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Cyber Nations
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This article needs moar lulz. You can help by adding moar lulz. |
CyberNations is a nation-simulation game with the added attraction of war and other aspects intended to add realism but which in fact have no rhyme or reason involved in their implementation or usage. Similar to NationStates, it is a browser-based game and about as exciting as fucking yourself anally with a cactus.
How to Play
1. Login at least once every 25 days. 2. Buy some infrastructure. 3. Collect taxes. 4. Pay bills. 5. Extort small nations for cheap technology. 6. Don't buy land, raid it. 7. Continue raiding and extract tears from unaligned nations.
Most alliances have, at this point, wasted fucking years devising intricate and complex methods to maximise collections and minimise bills, as well as coded elaborate parsers to collect data about themselves and other alliances. These people, coincidentally, often have so-called internet addictions and are unaware of what outside is. One particularly socially retarded player has created hundreds of wiki pages about various aspects of his fictional nation, up to and including creating individual detailed wiki pages for 21 imaginary men's football sides.
The Admin and Mod Staff
Kevin is the admin, a programmer whose abilities are renowned for being first-rate. His cult of hero-worshippers have thrown inordinate amounts of money at him for a game whose code is based off a guestbook application and have thus kept his child in platinum diapers. One prevailing explanation as to why any self-respecting human being would waste IRL money on a browser-based geopolitical simulator is that a donation is rewarded with stats in-game. It is also a little-known fact that nations who have donated to the game require Kevin's explicit approval for deletion. Kevin is also painfully insecure and likes to cry at his mod staff whenever they criticize him in the slightest.
The mod staff are notoriously up their own asses and tend to find reasons to ban people who are loudmouthed, trolls, or who they simply don't like. When users complain of mod bias, they are also banned as that is against The Rules™. Also bannable is using the word "troll" or even mentioning anything remotely related to moderation issues. Revealing a mod's player account is an instant permaban. Users have a hilarious propensity to backstab each other in the report forum, mostly in an effort to kiss enough ass to become moderators themselves.
The arrival of users from SA and 4chan in 2007 prompted an incident known colloquially as Modgate. The tl;dr is that a few high-ranking users from the alliances known for lulz delivery were banned after a moderator leaked private moderation discussions to his alliance, then lied about it. An in-game war then ensued with the worthy alliances losing and a reign of faggotry that extends to this day beginning.
War
CyberNations' biggest draw is the ability to wage war with other virtual nations. Unfortunately, any player hoping that this feature will liven the game up will be quickly and cruelly disappointed.
- You may only attack nations within 75% to 133% of your nation strength statistic. This prevents larger nations from bonking on noobs but also inhibits combat-based growth.
- The combat itself is entirely abstracted, so there is no visual aid involved except text.
- It is random to the point that even when you win, you lose.
- The actual geographic locations of the combatants is entirely irrelevant; you can attack a nation on the other side of the world and capture land off it, which is somehow transported to your nation and glued crudely onto your borders.
War is frustratingly hard to come by, as the game's politics are extremely long and convoluted; many alliances have mutual-defense treaties with other alliances that make it almost impossible to wage a legitimate war without getting stomped to death by alliances who will insist your casus belli is shoddy and transparent no matter how solid it actually is. A few alliances work off their pent-up aggression by raiding other, unaligned nations in order to obtain tech and land. A moralfag brigade has risen in recent months to cry about the poor, innocent unaligneds being oppressed by the big, bad raiding alliances. What they refuse to realize is that raiding will never stop, mostly because receiving butthurt PMs and raging forum posts will never get old.
Trolling Cyber Nations
Sadly, Cyber Nations is surprisingly difficult to troll. Most trolling is done via in-game politics discussions and getting caught blatantly trolling will see you banned by mods who are convinced that having moderator powers on a game that is somehow worse than fucking Runescapemakes them the greatest and most superior beings on the planet when in fact they're glorified e-babysitters. Despite the existence of hundreds of fora, each devoted to a different alliance or team, the overwhelming lack of things to do makes it virtually impossible to annoy anyone. The earnestness and anal-retentiveness of some of the players may make you smile briefly, but if it's lulz you're looking for, you'd be better off turning your computer off and staring out of the window in the hopes of seeing a traffic accident.
However, if you're /b/, SA or LUE, merely bringing people from said boards to CyberNations and forming an alliance will be enough to cause a gigantic amount of drama and cries of "KILL THEM THEY'RE HACKING THE GAME!!!". Most of the players from these now-defunct alliances have consolidated into a single alliance. Naturally, this alliance has a reputation for being a pack of trolls. They are currently one of the top alliances in the game and therefore universally resented for managing to learn how to play it well.
/b/ Alliance
The /b/ Alliance was conceived by a namefag called "DurkaDONT", who was mutinied the fuck out of by KingRaptorJesus and his furry girlfriend Furseiseki. They played as a neutral alliance, and things generally got on well for at least 100 years, up until they got in one little fight with another alliance known as the Viridian Entente, which may or may not have members converted from the /b/ Alliance. War lasted less than a week, during which a nation called 519 Nigras went rogue and launched a nuke at another player. Furseiseki was quick to apologize for the alliance, but not for her furfaggotry. The players of other alliances respected the furry, and were damned to hell for their blasphemy. However, /b/ members and leadership were starting to get bored of the game, and thus a plan was set in march to cause much lulz.
The deciding factor to troll the fuck out of the CyberNations forum was made by a brave young lad called AnHeroPrime who launched another nuke, and Monkt, the man who started the raid by posting Goatse, and by the reaction he got from the rest of his allies over IRC, moar Goatse, CHILD FUCKING PORNOGRAPHY, Goatse, Zippo Cat, horsecock and other mutilations and awesome shit, he was quickly followed by the rest of the alliance and the result was something no less than epic. Equally as memorial were the laments and protests of the lusers of the CN forum, who were apparently virgins to the Internet, and had a lot of butthurt over the incident was caused by /b/'s raiders. The forum registration was closed, and all posts deleted. Eventually, CN users found out about the thread in 4chan /b/, and made such lame responses as:
It appears the lulz never ended, Cyber Nations was taken offline from March 31st to April 4th, 2008. From the admins:
Since the Cyber Nations forums have been disabled to give everyone a break from things due to the misbehavior of numerous individuals getting out of control recently I wanted to come here and give everyone an update on the status of the game. Along with the misbehavior in the forums over the past week Cyber Nations was also the victim of numerous denial of service attacks in an attempt to bring the sever down by increasing bandwidth beyond capacity. I worked for much of the night on 3/30 and felt confident that I had successfully stopped the attacks against the game. This morning, however, I received a report that something more serious had happened, that the source code for the game had been stolen. I have a good idea when and how this happened based on the date stamp of the stolen files and I do believe that the game databases have not been tampered with but since I cannot be certain of this at this time I have shut down the game to ensure the security of the site.) -- Kevin (admin)
There was a brief attempt to revive the /b/ alliance that ended, inevitably, in failure.
Serious Business
A misunderstanding occurred between Norway and the alliance known as Nordreich due to one of their recruitment videos using Norway's national anthem. The entire country proceeded to derive massive amounts of butthurt from the video, claiming that the alliance was "abusing [their] national anthem". Nordreich released a statement insisting that they are not neo-Nazis and shortly after, disbanded. Their members reformed as the alliance Norden Verein and promptly ceased to acknowledge Norway's existence, producing minor lulz.
ZOMG OOC ATTACKS!!!1!
It seems that the tight ass mods (Like the kiss ass Top Cat who's nation is longthing) don't like OOC attacks, and will ban you for attempting to make any kind of lulz. For instance, any mention of the word "Bilrow" and "AIDS" in the same sentence is an automatic b&.
See Also
Linx
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