Minneapolis Bridge Collapse

NEVAR FORGET 35W

Has anyone noticed it kinda looks like a penis

Rescuers continue their search for victims

It looked pretty bad even BEFORE it collapsed

An official picture of Minneapolis officials rescuing automobile wreckage and survivors

A few months ago, Voldemort and maybe God , tired of non-believers, attempted to punish the unholy fags and muggles of San Francisco by melting a fucking section of freeway to the ground, but sadly failed to actually kill any deserving cunts, or, for that matter, anyone at all. Butthurt after being mocked for his ongoing failure by a mob of faggots, Christ Himself descended to Minneapolis, and did cause a major freeway artery to collapse on August 1st, 2007 around 7:10 p.m. EST. Fox News immediately declared that it was a terrorist attack.

During rush hour traffic, as the highway fell into the Mississippi, 'Murricunts cried a fucking river while they ran around screaming terror Terror TERROR TERROR. It also caused the worst case of mass-whiplash in recorded history. What a TRAGIC DAY FOR PLANET EARTH. OH THE HUMANITY!!! WHY DOES GOD LET SUCH TERRIBLE THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE? Disappointingly, the Minneapolis police will only confirm that eleven people have been squished to death or suffocated in the vile Mississippi goo, while two (one of the "missing" showed up at work today) people are unaccounted for. The Minnesota Twins baseball game went ahead as scheduled, much to the delight of their roughly 300 fucktarded fans.

The bridge was ruled structurally deficient in 1990, but it is believed that it held up due to 17 years of snowpack. A heat wave eliminated the last of the snow, sending the bridge to its demise and Al Gore straight to his hugbox to wail about global warming.

In honor of the dead, the bridge has been renamed "The Ted Stevens Memorial Bridge to Nowhere".

Recent conspiracy theories of the idea that the bridge never crashed and that it was a covert local cover-up to make the bridge invisible is spreading around the internets. With little proof that the bridge is now invisible and not collapsed , more research is needed to prove that "they" wanted invisible bridges all along because THE GOVERNMENT HATES US.

Coverage

Currently every news channel in America is devoting SOME coverage to this horrible tragedy. After all, FIVE FUCKING PEOPLE DIED! and the WHOLE FUCKING WORLD revolves around America's daily business. Such a TRAGEDY, of course, requires the world to stop revolving and look at 30 crappy American cars floating down a hick city's dirty-ass river..

Sixty children, ages four to over 9000, were riding a school bus that was on the bridge at the time of the collapse, returning from a weekly field trip to a water park. The bus made it most of the way across the bridge before the roadway collapsed underneath the vehicle.[1] Reports indicate that all children on the bus escaped safely[2]-- but still, isn't that fucking HORRIFYING?!! Children could have almost died!!!11 [but they didn't]. This school bus incident was not included and blown out of proportion just to scare you, no srsly. But it does reinforce the old joke: What's black, yellow and really funny? A school bus full of niggers driving off a bridge.

Out of respect, all the world's problems have been fixed including the Iraq War being put on hold by all Arab. Russia is not going to steal all the oil and other goodies from "their" freshly claimed land (the North Pole) until the mourning period is over, and the Chinese economy has stopped the march to its eventual pwnership of America for the glory of Capitalist Maoism dead in its tracks, though (they've thoughtfully sent us lead paint-covered Tickle Me Elmo dolls) in our time of grief. Meanwhile, in Africa... over 9000 niggers died in a train wreck.

Meanwhile, pedophile transsexual sperm bank Nancy Grace will be conducting a special on how the Duke lacrosse team did 35W.

Also according to the media, every bridge in the United States will fall tomorrow.

The Internet Reaction

The internet reaction was swift, as people not currently covered in rubble or suffocating in the mud of the Mississippi realized the inherent corruption of lol in the situation, and appropriately and promptly, began shopping the overused 4 photos of the now-deceased bridge. Posting them in various forums and chatrooms followed, in hopes that others would join in laughter rather than tears.

Ludicrous Theories

Certain segments of the population, rather than learning the obvious lesson of WORSHIP CHRIST OR HE WILL FUCKING KILL YOU, have chosen to believe various untruths and lies.

Pre-Existing Structural Problems

The Governor of Minnesota, in his infinite wisdom, recently vetoed a bill which would have provided additional funding to repair bridges and freeways, which are a fucking mess in Minnesota because it fucking snows bricks and knives every winter and erodes the structural integrity of the roads. However, the people of Minnesota are so fucking stupid that they would prefer to fail at preventing disasters, and elect dumbshits like Jesse Ventura and Tim Pawlenty to the highest elected position in the state.

Jews

It turns out that right before the bridge collapsed, it was undergoing resurfacing, in order to once again keep the residents of Minneapolis from noticing that the bridge was GOING TO FUCKING FAIL.

After the bridge collapsed, one of the construction workers, a Jew, was unaccounted for. Naturally, this has aroused grave suspicion among noted scholars, who note the underlying similarities between this situation and the absence of four thousand Jews at their jobs on the morning of 9/11.

George "Fuck You" Bush

Another possibility is that #America chanop George W. Bush, with his administration under multiple investigations and with a disapproval rating approximating the percentage of people who believe the moon landing was faked, decided to have the bridge destroyed in order to take all the attention off the sheer ineptitude of his administration.

He set the wheels in motion by delegating the maintenance of all of Minnesota to ex-FEMA director Mike "Heckuvajob" black person, and quite naturally everything else took care of itself. In support of this theory, the Department of Homeland Security stated that terrorism was not the cause of the collapse, which of course means a) it was, and b) they're covering it up.

Domestic Terrorists

Some have claimed that a band of domestic terrorists is responsible for the collapse. Over the course of several months, the terrorists are claimed to have been slowly chiseling away at the base of the bridge until it eventually collapsed. Their motivation is unclear, but it's believed that the terrorists mean to incite mass panic and hysteria among the American populace. The FBI is hard at work locating the Secret hideout of the evildoers and bringing them to justice.

Sum say it was Anonymous, who did it for the lulz. Take that Fox News!

Furries did 35W

Butthurt furries, disappointed that Faux News didn't immediately partyvan all the /b/tards who raided their DA accounts last Thursday, decided to take matters into their own hands. As it is common knowledge that trolls live under bridges, the solution to the trolling problem was clear: the furries must blow up all the bridges in America, finally ridding the country of trolls. Plans to blow up dams are also in order, as these would surely wash away whatever trolls managed to survive, and would also create a suitable playground for inflatafurs to yiff in harmony.

Airlines Did 35W

Faced with the massive lulz of pending bankruptcy, airline executives (who formerly enjoyed raping American taxpayers with fares and money from Congress (over 9000 USD per capita)) decided to promote the lie that flying is safer than driving. This plan was drafted by Jews who, through their accounting, had audited all of the bridges in the USA. This plan has been in the books since last Thursday.