Khalid Masood's Westminster motor massacre

This face only surprised his victims

Crappy carnage

On 22 March 2017 a terrorist outrage of almost unprecedented fail struck at the heart of the British capital. 52-year-old raghead convert Khqlid Mahood (born: Adrian Elms, in Kent) drove a car into a crowd, then jumped out and killed a police officer, before duly being dispatched within seconds by a police gunman who had been waiting years for such an opportunity. This sort of thing happens every day of the week in Manchester, but Mahood's impromptu game of GTA happened (a) in Westminster, outside the Houses of Parliament and (b) within spitting distance of just about every journalist in Britain, some of whom actually go to Parliament for a living. So despite the measly death-toll, this lamentable effort to strike fear into the capital in fact just struck outrage all over the media.

How shit went down

Soppy candle-lighting shit

Masood mowed down and injured 50 pedestrians on his rental-car rendezvous with martyrdom. Amusingly, most of them were foreign tourists and only 12 of them were British. The rest were three French children, two Romanians, four South Koreans, two Greeks, and one each from Germany, Poland, Ireland, China, Italy and the United States.

Only five have died at the time of going to press. But one of them was a police officer, so there has been widespread BAW about Our Brave Boys In Blue. This is typical in Britain these days, where everyone goes fucking stupid and sentimental over any death that appears in the media, as though they actually gave a shit about that person at any point beforehand.

Parliament in lockdown!

An MP is revived with champagne

Members of Parliament were tragically locked in the House of Commons all day, with only a heavily-subsidised restaurant and private bar for sustenance. By three pm, supplies of Bollinger, Krug and cocaine were at such low levels that it was feared they might not last the week. One MP told reporters: "It was terrible. I thought I might have to leave at some point, but fortunately the police told us to stay where we were. Is this interview on expenses?"

Early reports stated that Prime Minister Theresa May was seen being bundled into a car, leading to frenzied speculation that she was being kidnapped. No such luck, it was a security procedure to get her off the scene. There was some bleeding-heart weepiness among MPs when Parliament resumed its normal business, but they only do it to get on TV.

Related arrests

Ten people have been arrested and a number of addresses raided across London, Birmingham and elsewhere. Nine people remain in custody and one, a woman, has been released on bail. No prizes for guessing their skin color or religion.

Conspiracy theories

A tinfoil-clad theorist is led away

Since the attacker was a lone nut, this immediately led to speculation that he was part of a conspiracy. Within one hour, the first allegations of this being some kind of "False Flag" attack were spreading like wildfire on the internet. This was aided by the fact that the attack meant the pretend parliament of Holyrood suspended its debate on trying to gain so-called "Scotland's" independence from England. Naturally, the prospect of [{Brexit]] played a part, with claims that the attack was meant to swing public opinion behind leaving the EU. The flaw in this is that the attacker was born and bred in England, so he would have made a fucking retarded choice for an anti-EU patsy.

Media reaction

You can imagine. The highlight so far has been the headline of the next day's edition of The Daily Mail, which revealed to a shocked world that Google could be used to discover the deadly secret fact that it was possible to kill people by driving into them.

See also

Have you seen this man?

• Islam
• Nice Truck Attack 2016
• Sandniggers in Paris
• Terrorism

External links

Too many to choose from right now.