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Flame Warriors
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Acne.jpg | |
AcneAcne constantly whines about how, like, life, the universe and everything really sucks and stuff. Usually a middle class teenager with an allowance, unlimited access to a computer and WAY too much time on his hands. Acne’s vague existential arguments about the meaningless of life and emptiness of existence are culled from the lyrics of the 20 gigs of MP3s he has squirreled away on his hard drive. It's useless to talk to Acne because there’s no point, is there? |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Admin.jpg | |
AdminAdmin is the janitor, the cop, the mayor, the judge and sometimes even the forum doctor who tends to Warriors injured in battle – in other words, Nanny on steroids. Because he runs the forum and sets the rules Admin has the power to pull the plug on any Warrior who gets a little too frisky. Sometimes his efforts are appreciated, but like any authority figure he is also resented – especially by Jerk, Evil Clown, L'Enfant Provocateur, Ego Rebel Without A Clue, Yuk Yuk, Troller, and other Warriors who would like to turn the forum into their personal playground. Most Admins are generally fair and even handed, but the adage that absolute power corrupts absolutely is as true on the internet as it is anywhere else, and it is a rare Admin who can resist bringing the hammer down if seriously pressed by a determined foe. Sycophant and other suckups will also attach themselves to a strong Admin to form a defensive perimeter around him, and more often than not Admin’s enemies will be driven off without him ever having to brandish his axe.
CAUTION: Admin is the most powerful of all Warriors and drawing him into direct battle invites almost certain defeat. Rebel Leaderdoes pose a limited threat to Admin’s power by fomenting a revolt and causing forum members to jump ship. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - ALLCAPS.jpg | |
ALLCAPSALLCAPS attempts to compensate for his limited rhetorical weaponry through the extravagant use of capitalized words – something netizens refer to as SHOUTING. Sure, a sprinkling of capitalized words can add spice to an attack, but overuse is like too much tarragon in the stew. Even worse from a tactical point of view, too much shouting alerts other Warriors to the opponent’s verbal WEAKNESS and emotional EXCITABILITY. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Android.jpg | |
AndroidAndroid doesn’t anger, nor does he engage in actual combat, rather he will merely point out the logical inconsistencies of other Warriors. Irony and sarcasm are completely lost on Android, and being impossible to insult or injure in any way, he is invulnerable to conventional attack. If, for example, someone were to call him a pinhead, he would get out a tape measure and after finding that his cranium falls within normal size specifications Android would dismiss the comment as erroneous. Android’s circuits are not equipped to process ambiguous or aesthetic input, consequently any extensive discussion involving personal feelings, intuition, art and metaphorical allusions will quickly drive Android from the field of battle. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Archivist.jpg | |
ArchivistArchivist saves and squirrels away each and every discussion forum message. Do you remember having a bad day back in 1996 when in one of your messages you may have said a few things that were…well, perhaps a little…hasty? Don’t worry, Archivist still has it and will post it to the forum if you begin to get the upper hand in battle. Archivist can be a very effective and fearsome Warrior. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Artiste.jpg | |
ArtisteArtiste has an unshakeable faith in his own artistic gifts, and is very pleased to share them with everyone else. Frequently his own insipid poetry will appear in his email signature, and at other times, and to no apparent purpose, he will be overcome with the urge to post a poem in the midst of battle. Artiste, in his need to demonstrate his aesthetic sensitivity and cultural sophistication, will reference obscure artists to drive his point home. He assumes that the mere mention of, say, Pollaiuolo (Italian,1431 –1498), will confirm the breadth of knowledge and thereby cow his opponent in battle. Actually, he is universally regarded as a pretentious blockhead.
CAUTION: Artiste often has serious mental problems and, though easily defeated in battle, may be unpredictable in defeat as well as in victory. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Atheist.jpg | |
AtheistAtheist is Deacon's cyber-doppelganger. Deacon and Atheist hold equally fervent, though diametrically opposed beliefs about religion, and both feel compelled to share those beliefs at every possible opportunity. Should an unsuspecting forum member make even a passing comment about faith or spirituality of any flavor, Atheist will descend like one of the Furies, mercilessly hectoring all of the ignorant and delusional believers about the sordid history of the church and the pernicious effects of religion on society. After a few of Atheist’s anti-religious jeremiads most other Warriors will avoid the subject altogether, though Evil Clown may egg him on a little, and Philosopher may amuse himself by pointing out flaws in his reasoning. If a forum has the misfortune of having both Deacon and Atheist as members, the bickering often continues until Nanny or Admin pulls the plug. Bliss Ninny can also sometimes squelch the conversation by saying, “Well, everyone has a right to their [sic] opinion.” |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Big Cat.jpg | |
Big CatBig Cat would rather not fight…he enjoys peacefully observing forum conversations and laconically participates when the moods strikes. He playfully chases interesting threads, and from time to time uses a Newbie or Propellerhead as a convenient scratching post. He enjoys being stroked or petted, and tends to purr loudly.
CAUTION: Don’t be fooled by his fuzzy, playful exterior. When provoked, Big Cat reacts with lightning speed and almost always lands on his feet after an attack. Big Cat often indulges himself by toying with his victim before delivering his lethal blows. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Big Dog.jpg | |
Big Dog And Me-TooBig Dog is a bully who doesn’t hesitate to use his superior strength to intimidate other combatants. Big Dog may be smart, articulate or just plain mean, but in any case he is a remorseless fighter, brutally ripping into even the weakest of combatants. Once Big Dog securely fastens his powerful jaws on a hapless victim, Me-Too will join the attack. Me-Too is far too weak and insecure to engage in single combat, and must ally himself with Big Dog or a pack of other Warriors to bring down his quarry. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Bliss Ninny.jpg | |
Bliss NinnyBliss Ninny doesn’t understand why people just can’t get along. While it is entirely unintentional, Bliss Ninny’s utterly vacuous comments can drive the more pugnacious Warriors into a frenzy of aggression. Often in the heat of battle Bliss Ninny will discuss her cat. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Blowhard.jpg | |
BlowhardBlowhard feels the need to present his credentials before entering the fray – even if they are irrelevant to the discussion. For example, in a movie forum conflict he might attempt to settle the matter by saying, “As a Ph. D. candidate in particle physics I believe I can say with some authority that the ‘Beavis and Butthead’ movie represents the emergence of a new cultural paradigm.” Huh? |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Bong.jpg | |
BongDoes the writer seems to babble on and on? Does he lurch from one non sequitur to another? Are you baffled by his obscure metaphors? Are there so many typos you think that maybe he was typing while wearing a catcher’s mit? Can he really MEAN what he just said? What in the hell is this guy talking about, anyway? Is this guy smoking something? Well, yes…in fact he is, and placidly tethered in high orbit Bong remains far beyond the reach of the even the most powerful Warriors’ weaponry. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Capitalista.jpg | |
CapitalistaCapitalista is not always a wealthy fat cat; being a Capitalista is a state of mind rather than a reflection of affluence. A strident and extraordinarily self–satisfied Warrior, Capitalista takes every opportunity to extol the superiority of the free enterprise system and has a powerful aversion to the welfare states of Europe. Capitalista fiercely defends the market economy, bludgeoning “fuzzy-minded socialists” with Adam Smith, Milton Friedman and Friedrich Hayek. Though rather limited in his range of interests, Capitalista’s command of carefully selected historical facts, abstruse statistical comparisons and arcane economic theory make him a formidable foe. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Centurion.jpg | |
CenturionCenturion tries to gain tactical advantage in battle by asserting that he is, or was at one time, in the military. He affects the brusque demeanor and clipped style of a drill sergeant, and intimidates opponents by sprinkling his messages with military verbiage and obscure acronyms. He reinforces weak arguments by constantly reminding other Warriors that he has “done his duty”, or “served his country”. Sometimes Centurion may even post pictures of military hardware or images of himself in fatigues brandishing a weapon. Centurion may actually have a military background, or he may just be a nut case – no one really knows. Centurion loathes and is loathed by Weenie, Artiste and Fragile Femme. His natural ally is Troglodyte. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Coffee Klatch.jpg | |
Coffee KlatchFor Coffee Klatch the discussion forum is a social gathering – like Mah Jong or the Wednesday morning canasta club. Coffee Klatch prefers a friendly, chatty environment and almost always limits her participation to non-technical forums. Whether inadvertently or by design, Coffee Klatch prepares the battlefield in her favor by making it soggy with pleasant, but vapid messages – her favorite phrase often being, “thanks for sharing”. This renders the battlefield rather slow going for many of the swifter and more powerful Warriors, and if war does break out she will shed her benign facade and strike mired Warriors with great ferocity. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Compost.jpg | |
CompostCompost has few weapons at his disposal and must resort to expletives and gross vulgarities to amplify his rhetorical thrusts. His tactical approach can occasionally rout Innocence Abused, but it is generally ineffective against other Warriors. Combatants know when he has spent the fury of his attack when he suggests that his opponent’s mother is a professional sexual services provider (although he will put it in different terms). Nanny has little stomach for Compost’s ordure and will quickly eject him from the forum. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Crybaby.jpg | |
CrybabyAlthough sometimes a male, Crybaby is usually a female, and often a close ally of Innocence Abused. When teased or attacked Crybaby will pitch a loud public temper tantrum, holding her breath and kicking her feet. If that defense fails she will run to Nanny for comfort. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Cyber Sisters.jpg | |
Cyber SistersCyber Sisters are an extremely fierce confederation of fighting females who act something like a shrill Greek chorus, echoing and amplifying one another’s voice until their foes retreat in disarray. They are generally leaderless, but anyone who challenges one Cyber Sister can expect to be savagely attacked by the others. Only the most powerful and battle-hardened of Warriors is strong enough to weather a Cyber Sisters attack. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Deacon.jpg | |
DeaconBe he a Baptist, Scientologist or Zoroastrian, in the heat of battle Deacon will call down divine retribution on all net sinners, and will never miss an opportunity to tell everyone about his personal savior. Deacon is fervent and earnest, but never has anything of interest or substance to contribute to a discussion. Occasionally Tireless Rebutter or Philosopher will engage Deacon in battle, but mostly he is ignored. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Diplomat.jpg | |
DiplomatDiplomat butts into hot disputes, presuming that the combatants will welcome and appreciate his even-handed and eminently reasonable mediation. Frankly, he gets what he deserves. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Duelists.jpg | |
DuelistsIn a perpetual closed-loop feud, the Duelists generally don’t menace anyone but each other, unless, of course, another Warrior foolishly attempts to mediate. Like the Hatfields and McCoys, they probably don’t even remember the source of their mutual animus, nonetheless they enthusiastically loathe one another and seize every opportunity to exchange vitriol. When the other Warriors eventually weary of their endless kvetching the Duelists will be shouted down or Nanny will ban them. Even after getting the heave-ho from one forum, however, it is not unusual for them to find each other in another discussion group and the fighting will begin anew. Hate is sometimes as mysterious as love… |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Eagle Scout.jpg | |
Eagle ScoutEagle Scout is a positive, constructive Warrior who endeavors to submit original articles which contain useful content and relevant information with supporting citations and links, thus initiating meaningful discussion threads. Eagle Scout regards the internet as an uplifting, egalitarian, worldwide arena for the exchange of ideas among intelligent, thinking individuals. He does not openly attack, but will (ever tactfully) chastise disruptive comments, gratuitous insults and cretinous insipidity. He is always kind and helpful to Newbie, and will shrug off even the most egregious insults. Eagle Scout is loathed with a poisonous intensity by Evil Clown, Jerk, L'Enfant Provocateur and Ego.
CAUTION: Sometimes Imposter, Evil Clown or Troller will masquerade as Eagle Scout. There have also been reports of Eagle Scout becoming Jekyll And Hyde. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Ego.jpg | |
EgoFor Ego, the discussion forum is all about him and his issues, and he regards discussions that stray from those topics as trivial dalliances. Although tolerant of an occasional shift in focus, Ego grows increasingly restive from extended inattention and will often provoke conflict to reestablish himself as the subject at hand. Ego dismisses with only a cursory reading any forum traffic that doesn’t relate directly to him, but replies at length to everything else. Ego is one the the fiercest of all the Warriors and will fight to the death when attacked. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Ennui.jpg | |
EnnuiEnnui only rouses himself from his torpor to cajole other Warriors to be more interesting – without, of course, ever contributing anything of interest himself. Ennui has limited weaponry at his disposal, but his majestic affectation of boredom provides an effective defense to attacks. When pressed in battle he will announce his intention of moving on to a more stimulating forum, but instead he will generally lurk quietly until the threat passes. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Ethnix.jpg | |
EthnixEthnix is an extremely powerful Warrior who effectively exploits his minority status and the general nervousness about race to gain advantage in battle. Ethnix deftly wields his ethnicity and can instantly shift from defense to offense, keeping even the most skillful Warriors off balance. Impostor, covetous of his power, often impersonates Ethnix, but he can seldom maintain the ruse. While all Warriors are wary of Ethnix, he is most feared by Weenie. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Evil Clown.jpg | |
Evil ClownEvil Clown is very quick with a joke, but his jests always have a barb. He has little patience for in-depth discussions and will often disrupt exchanges between serious forum participants by introducing irrelevant topics, fatuous quips, and offhand comments. His greatest thrill is to taunt and humiliate weaker or more plodding Warriors with his snappy ripostes. When a strong Warrior finally corners him Evil Clown will attempt to escape by accusing his attacker of having no sense of humor. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Ferrous Cranus.jpg | |
Ferrous CranusFerrous Cranus is utterly impervious to reason, persuasion and new ideas, and when engaged in battle he will not yield an inch in his position regardless of its hopelessness. Though his thrusts are decisively repulsed, his arguments crushed in every detail and his defenses demolished beyond repair he will remount the same attack again and again with only the slightest variation in tactics. Sometimes out of pure frustration Philosopher will try to explain to him the failed logistics of his situation, or Therapist will attempt to penetrate the psychological origins of his obduracy, but, ever unfathomable, Ferrous Cranus cannot be moved. |
See Also
