Catfish

Never trust Myspace angles

A Catfish is a person so lonely for sex but too entitled to fuck other rejects, resulting in it posting Fat Girl Angle Shots or pics of people slightly more attractive on dating websites and apps to lure desperate losers into weird sexual encounters in back alleys. Casualties of a catfish encounter include broken hearts, missing organs, and/or dead boners.

Who's Desperate Enough to do This?

Doing it right

Classic

The main culprits of Catfishing are closet homosexuals, fatties of both sexes, and the diseased, who use sites like Plenty of Fish or Tinder. Because the amount of charming young men on these sites is quite high, they find it easy to prey on dick that hasn't been wet in a while. Most of them are just looking for a root, so they'll roll with putting their dicks into any stinky vagoo. Afterward tricking an unsuspecting victim into having sex with the monster, the catfish will often go to Tumblr to cry about how "fat is beautiful."

Most cases of Catfishing are one off encounters for a quick date or hook up with an ugly, but longer internet relationships are not rare and quite lulzy. These are often perpetuated on Facebook and Instagram. They will develop weird online relationships with targets, sending them (fake) n00dz, and claiming that their relationship is just as good as a real life one. However, whenever they bring up the issue of actually meeting in real life, the Catfish will swim into the night, looking for new prey.

Why Catfish?

Aside from the obvious issues of hiding their "lovehandles" from other people, or keeping their closet homosexuality near the coats, Catfish have a variety of motivations including:

• They're just bored, and boring people
• They're trolling
• Scaming jewgold off of a person
• They're tricking others into dishing out their personal information for reasons
• Society has otherwise deemed them too ugly to breed.
• They like play out their sexual fantasies on the internet
• They are trying to rape and/or kill you
• They have Assburgers and being a keyboard warrior mildly hides that fact
• They're furries
• Its their job as repo men or police officers
• They cut off their dicks and now can't get any

Examples of Catfishing

“   Sunny, a 21-year-old nursing student from Arkansas, has fallen in love online with a man named Jamison King. She has talked to him for months on Facebook and on the phone and she considers him to be her boyfriend. The cameras are rolling as she shows up to Jamison's house in Alabama teeming with excitement about finally meeting the man of her dreams. But 'Jamison' turns out to be Chelsea, a young woman seeking female companionship. Sunny is first crestfallen and then angry. She threatens to physically hurt Chelsea - a scene that is played out repeatedly in the show between scammers and their victims.   „     —The Daily Mail     “   In 'Catfish' creator Nev Schulman's case, he fell in love with a girl named Megan, a gorgeous blonde from Michigan. He spent hours on the phone with Megan and even sent racy texts and messages to her about kissing her and having sex. But months into the relationship, he began to grow suspicious about her identity. He discovered that a song she had sent him, which she claimed to have written, was in fact a single released by another artist. When a few other details didn't add up, he decided to surprise 'Megan' with a visit to her home in Michigan. The person who met him at the door was Angela Wesselman, a middle-aged overweight mother who admitted to creating the profile for Megan - as well as orchestrating an entire network of friends and family members to make Megan seem more authentic. Angela said she was lonely and enjoyed the personal connection that the scam provided her. She later said that she was diagnosed with schizophrenia.   „     —The Daily Mail     “   I work for a repo company and I have a fake Facebook set up to lure people who have been hiding their cars from us out on dates. We make plans to meet up, and then when they arrive to meet up, I repo their cars. Hahaha. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯   „     —Some bitch off Buzzfeed     “   Lori Drew’s daughter had a falling out with her teenage friend Megan, and Mommy decided that the sanest way to react was pure vengeance. With the help of her daughter and a friend from work, Drew created a fake MySpace profile under the name “Josh Evans.” The plan was to use this account to create a fake relationship with Megan so they could screw with her head. Eventually, Drew had the fake boyfriend say horrible things to Megan, which is believed to have led directly to the girl’s suicide. Due to legal technicalities, Drew essentially got off scot-free, ending up only with misdemeanor charges that were eventually thrown out. However, while the law may not have meted out much of a punishment, Drew and her family were basically run out of their neighborhood.   „     —TopTenz     “   A woman from St. Paul had recently gone through a nasty divorce, and was looking for love online to fill the void in her life. She met a man she seemed to have great chemistry with, and things were going well. She opened up to him, allowed him to see her on webcam, and told him all about the trouble she had with her ex-husband. The woman had an alleged physical altercation with her ex-husband, and was planning to get a protection order in court. When she confided this to her new boyfriend, he convinced her not to go through with the protective order. It was shortly after that when things started to get a little weird. She started seeing her ex-husband pop up wherever she went, when the only person who should have known her movements was her new boyfriend. She investigated and found out that the new boyfriend she had been opening up to was actually her obsessive ex-husband. This time she went through with getting a protective order, and her ex-husband faces stalking charges for his criminally insane behavior.   „     —TopTenz Previous Quote | Next Quote

Notice that they all run away when she's not looking, or pretend to go to the bathroom. Surprisingly, even the black guys run away from her. A guide on catching catfish IRL. Celebrities are not safe either Catfish in the New Media. Previous Video | Next Video

Am I being baited?

You are being baited by a catfish if any of the following happen to you

• They claim to love you
• They refuse to send full body photos
• They ask for money
• They have any profile photo or information from this site
• If they talk like Chris Hansen

If you're the type of person who think that you can start an honest relationship with internet strangers, you're most likely being catfished by a chick with a dick, or a fatty.

What to do with Catfish

• Throw them back in a river
• Counter troll them by sending inflated dick pics so they're disappointed as well
• String them along when they ask for money, getting mad when they don't receive anything and acting like they lost your money
• Send them on wild goose chases to get cock
• Repay them in kind with a brand new Powerbook
• Cook 'em

Public reaction

While the issue of catfishing came into the spotlight with the rise of average people bothering to log onto the internet, the TV industry took advantage of idiots who thought that their eternal September would result in getting their dicks wet. With TV shows like the originally named [Catfish] coming out, people began to realize that they may just be http://www.hollywood.com/tv/catfish-mtv-catfishing-america-59085718/ [capitalizing on a stupid phenomenon] happening to idiots on the internet.

	“	"...we found that in every instance except one, the catfisher — not the catfishee, as the series claims — has been the one to contact MTV first."	„
	—Hollywood.com

Only serving to prove that the TV industry is lapping at the heels of shitty internet content to remain relevant.

Other snake oil merchants like [Dr Phil] are cashing in, by airing sob stories told by troll victims, often telling them the harsh truth that no one will love them, and to stop deluding themselves. Unfortunately people like [Dr Phil] have to tell people the basic concepts of not believing people on the internet, instead of people using their common sense.

Legal uses

Butthurt internet newbs who take the internet too seriously have taken to prosecuting these catfish in court, with the first mention of 'catfishing' in court taking place in 2013, where a prank between ex-roomates turned into a potential kiddy fiddling shaming on [youtube]. However, catfishing has also been used as proof in the prosecution of potential murder, rape and revenge porn, and extortion

See Also

• Tranny
• Peter Coffin
• 419 Nigerian Email Scams
• Social Networking
• Online Dating
• Ugly
• Fat Girl Angle Shot

Catfish is part of a series on Trolls Visit the Trolls Portal for complete coverage.