Manos: The Hands of Fate

Promotional poster showing the origins of the shocker, as originally devised by Torgo.

Manos: The Hands of Fate is a movie made at least 100 years ago that is so incredibly epic in its fail that it has gone full circle, creating a time paradox and emerging as a film that feels much like a traffic accident; viewers often seem to want to move along to something else, but find themselves unable to as they become caught in the stupefying rapture that is Manos: The Hands of Fate.

The Man Behind the Manos

Harold P. Warren, creator of Manos: The Hands of Fate. Literally.

Manos: The Hands of Fate was not just any movie- not just even another shitty movie. No, a pile of steaming crap this large had to be crafted by a true sculptor of the poo inspired by the very essence of fecal matter itself. It is thus fitting that the movie was conceived in Texas by a shit salesman out of El Paso named Harold P. Warren who found his fetid muse over a cup of coffee with Oscar winning writer Stirling Silliphant. Perhaps the fumes from the crap he was selling had gotten into Harold that day; some theorize that he'd been experimenting with the mushrooms that inevitably grow in cowshit the night before. Regardless of the reason, Harold got the courage to stand up to the man and proudly exclaim the words that would forever change the world of cinema:

	“	Making a horror movie can't be that hard- I bet I could write, direct AND act in a horror film that would make millions!	„
	—Harold P. Warren, lighting the flames of inspiration below the bubbling cauldron of shit that would soon become Manos: The Hands of Fate

Anticipating the lulz that would ensue, Stirling thus spoke:

	“	I bet you can. You're a very special person, Harold, capable of very special things. Hey, why don't you write the script on some napkins here, you know, to get a good head start?	„
	—Stirling Silliphant, after hearing Harold's challenge and anticipating the lulz but before leaving quickly, for he almost ruptured his kidneys trying to contain his laughter.

After being left alone by Stirling, Harold took the advice and began to scribble the mad scribblings of a Texan on a mission- a mission to break boundaries, to stick up for the small man in Hollywood, to become a bright beacon of light for those underfinanced directors that would follow. Thus was Manos: The Hands of Fate conceived- The Butt Baby of a Texas fertilizer salesman high off shrooms and cow shit trolled by a successful Hollywood Screenwriter.

Elements of the Fail

Manos: The Hands of Fate was originally intended to be an educational video on How to Treat Your Wife. Here, The Master shows us the ropes of good husbandry.

Plot:

Manos commands his worshipers to smoke lots of crack and to NEVER, EVER use eyedrops. Ever.

The plot, as such, can best be described as something written in sidewalk chalk by a retarded five year old with bees in his helmet-in other words, a Texan.

Exhibit A:

Dialogue:

Given a handicap of having no previous screenwriting experience and being Texan, the dialogue of the film as written by Harold is considered by some to be quite exceptional. We have places for those people and their NPOV ideas, and it's not here. We will, however, parse the title using a Spanish/English dictionary: "Hands, the Hands of Fate".

Characters:

Torgo Stares into your Soul

The only character that matters is Torgo. The actor who played Torgo, John Reynolds, apparently showed up for work high every day, and eventually took a dose of shotgun mouthwash and became an hero. The world shall nevar forget Torgo.

Exhibit C:

Fox News has CONFIRMED that Manos: The Hands of Fate is a product of the internet hate machine.

Exhibit D:

The Fail

After spending his 19,000 dollar budget and drawing his talent from such illustrious places as local theater groups and the esteemed Mannequin Manor Modeling School (where the women were interrupted from posing, cooking and making babies to be given the chance to work on the set of a movie in an occupation other than "fluffer"), Harold realized that he would have to pay his actors somehow. He resorted to the following to do so (possibly upon the advice of Stirling-if this is true, it only bolsters Stirling's reputation as a Classical Troll):

• Shares in the profits that the movie would make
• 50 pounds of dog food (for the actor playing "The Master")
• A red bicycle for one of the actresses; historians debate to this day the symbolism of the red bicycle, and such a debate should be initiated when discussing fine films to display one's own intelligence.

The actors eventually figured this out:

	“	...we all started talking and realized that everybody's percentages added together equaled, like, 300 percent!	„
	—Bernie Rosenblum, an actor on the set

Because they suffered from the tragic malady of being Texan, the entire staff went on with the show as scheduled. The film was hyped heavily in the city of El Paso, Texas and once again displaying the true intellectual fortitude possessed by all residents of the Lone Star State, they bought it hook, line and sinker. At the Capri theater in El Paso on the movie's release date, spotlights were showing, red carpets were rolled out, Harold was given a badge and made an honorary deputy Sheriff by the city, and a single limo picked up the entire cast and dropped them off.

Yes.

That's right.

A single limo.

For the whole cast.

Having spent all of his cash, Harold could only afford one limo, and decided to drive the same one with the same driver around and around the theater, knowing that his audience, being Texan, wouldn't notice. As the film progressed, watched by the elite of El Paso, the lulz ensued and Stirling's trolling came to fruition:

	“	...It was very quiet, and then there was one snicker, then a couple, maybe two guffaws, and then just out-and-out laughing their asses off.	„
	—Bernie Rosenblum, actor describing public reaction to the first screening of Manos: The Hands of Fate

	“	...Nobody told me that the voices were being dubbed. So here I am all excited, and then I come on the screen and my mouth opens and it's some squeaky lady's voice. I just sat there and cried.	„
	—Jackey Neyman Jones, actress, describing her reaction once seeing the crappy dubbing in Manos: The Hands of Fate

	“	...perhaps by scrapping the soundtrack and running it with subtitles or dubbing in Esperanto, it could be promoted as a foreign art film of some sort or other.	„
	—The El Paso Herald Post review of Manos: The Hands of Fate the day after the initial screening

Fandom

A movie, created by a trolling, now the subject of et moar epic trolling. Manos: The Hands of Fate is truly a shining example of the cyclical nature of the universe.

Having been featured on an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000, Manos: The Hands of Fate accumulated a fanbase, particularly with regards to Torgo, spawning fansites and even (god help us all) Torgo cosplay. Musicals, plays and other adaptations of the film focusing mainly on Torgo have been documented, and no one knows just how deep the Torgo fandom will spiral down into in the near future.

Torgo Live Musical: "Good Night, Sweet Prince"

Torgo Cosplay:

Manos: The Hands of Fate Rock Opera:

See Also

• Cult
• The Hand of Clod
• The Hand of Dios
• Mr.Hands
• Mystery Science Theater 3000
• Pedophilia

External Links

• http://www.amazon.com/Manos-Hands-Fate-Bettie-Burns/dp/B0000AGWMF
• http://www.torgo.org/
• Mimosa fanzine: The Hand That Time Forgot and Growing Up Manos
• A recap of the film at the Agony Booth, a site that "recaps" movies in such depth that it takes longer to read the recap than to watch the movie. See this link.

Manos: The Hands of Fate is part of a series on Television Visit the Television Portal for complete coverage.