Buy a Dog
You've really gone and fucked things up, haven't you? Have you realized that you are a worthless piece of shit, a total fucktard, a subhuman creature, and the absolute worst kind of person there ever was yet? Because you are.
See that dog over there? That little puppy? It's happy, and it's not a total douchebag like you are. It will go places in life. It is intelligent, respectible, and a pretty cool guy. IT IS BETTER THAN YOU WILL EVER BE.