Demon's Souls

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File:Demons soul profile.jpg

Trophy unlocked: You got shitfucked

File:Demons souls girl.png

Typical NPC

Demon's Souls, also known in Japan as “DEMONZU SOURU” is a role-playing video game created by From Software and published by Atlus for the Playstation 3 Gameboy Color, it is also notable for having a difficulty-rate so notorious for causing gaymers to shove controllers up their ass out of rage and despair.

Like your typical, run of the mill JRPGs, the game takes place in a dark, brutal world where the player goes around getting lynched by various monsters and traps, and occasionally bangs blind children. To the surprise of the developers, this piece of shit ended up being a sleeper hit, mostly due to the fact that the game caters to the Wapanese gamers who usually spend 36 hours on bossfights anyway, and saw the game as another chance at wasting their pathetic existences.

The difficulty is mainly a byproduct of the developers being lazy douchebags. You don't have a pause option, which means that you will have to quit-relaunch the game everytime you want to go take a piss. The enemies are vastly overpowered, shield blocking will work for a few seconds till your stamina bar drops only to be gangbanged by your AI opponent. Almost anything can one hit kill you off the bat. This can change of course if you are willing to dump a few hundered hours of your life into grinding for souls/ stones to level up enough so that the combat is in your favor. So yes, you will be killing those same 10 enemies again and again just to be able to barely be able to play this game and move on to the next stage. An earth shattering game mechanic that has never been done before!

The savepoints are stupendously far apart that they might as well not give you any. It should be a one shot run to the ending with no saving at all. That will make it, OMG THE MOST HARDEST GAME EVAR!!!111

There is no story to speak of. Its the same old generic crap about some evil that has taken over the world and you, the lone knight will save the day. No memorable charcters or plot to speak of.

All obese hipsters agree. This game is awzum!

Obs! Note the living lardsack talking to the camera.

The Introducton

Ghouls can be a nasty bunch

like any other JRpg games, you begin in an area where you get pretty useless tips on how to fuck shit up for your enemies, but, get this, you also have to simultaneously kill them while reading the tips. But due to the fact that the auto-aim option is pure shit, you must rely on SWINGING FUCKING EVERYWHERE! Then you realize that you cannot die in the tutorial, and realize you were skipping all the hints due to ghoul hordes going batshit insane at you (Ghouls, the most creative monster in the game). At the end of the tutorial you meet Vanguard, an ugly hybrid between the troll in Harry Potter, and the big motherfucking demon who, omg, almost killed Gandalf. Anyways, that shit ugly troll demon pwns the living manure out of you and you fucking die. Fagtastic!

Would have been a raging hit if they just stopped the bullshit right there, but absolutely not, you wake up as a soul in an underground cathedral at a place called the Nexus ( moar liek sex us, AMIRIGHT???). There are no more tutorials. You immediately get your first quest! The first mission is at the Boletarian palace inside a statue of a self proclaimed midget king. The first thing you see when you go up the stairs to the gates of the palace are sneaky fucking ghouls hiding behind wooden crates. You, being the naive stupid piece of shit you are, decided to attack the first ghoul hiding behind a crate you see, only to realize there were ghouls behind crates on the other side of the bridge who are ready to rape at sight. You lose half your lifepoints and gain 20 souls.

When you get past all of the ghouls on the bridge you find out that you DO NOT get to go directly inside the palace, but rather in a side door - only to get raped sum more. You keep going, and going, and going, for at least 40 minutes - and you have now figured out how to work all the options. Congratulations. When you get on top of the palace, you decide to go to the right, and kill a ghoul with a spear - the second most creative monster in the game. You are now a self proclaimed badass, and you decide to go ahead and kill the knight with red eyes, but instead get 1KO'd. You must now restart at the beginning of the quest, with no points. Repeat.

Steps to win

1. Begin Quest

2. Kill masses

Typical reaction after 10 minutes of gameplay

3. Get confident

4. Too confident, dead

5. Lose all souls

6. Retrieve all souls

7. Die twice

8. All souls are nulled

9. ???????

10. Profit!!

The Dæmon's Soul system

You: Are a raging faggot. Your character starts as a useless nigger that can be buttfucked by almost anything that moves on the screen. Its not until you defeat the first boss, that you are allowed to level up your character.

Maiden in Black: A horny succubus that constantly begs for your cock. She controls teh demons souls, and can power you up with the souls you have. The bitch can't die until the end of the game. She drops a red stone when killed allowing you to engage in PvP.

Unkown soldier by the Nexus portal: Bawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwws, and dies about halfway into the game, leaving behind a storied soldiers souls, which is worth about 2000 souls.

Stockpile Thomas: Is fucking handy because you won't have a god damn chance having the same gear in every archstone dimension. He takes care of your shit and YOU HAVE A HEART OF GOLD, DON'T LET 'EM TAKE IT FROM YA!

The Blacksmiths: twin brothers Boldwin and Ed, Both have the exact same voice actor - an Irish drunkard. But are essential when you wanna turn souls into swords, repair your armor when it turns to dog shit, and for buying basic buffs.

Ostrava Of Boletaria: Is actually the son of the faggot King Allant that started all this shit in the first place. He an heros and becomes a black phatom towards the end of the game. Will be the first NPC you meet within an archstone dimension. He's your stereotypical hero, with a subenglish/medieval accent, and over 9000 megabytes of compliments for you, his dear hero, for saving him - thrice. Kill him to get the geys that unlock the masoleum - an optional area where you fight Old King Doran for the powerful dildo; The Soul Brandt.

Sage Freke: Pronounced like FRAKE, asshole! Is the most useful NPC because melee < magic. Sorry, meleefags you don't stand a chance.

Saint Urbain: You will find him in a pit, and despite the fact that he can use God's Wrath, you will have to fight a black phantom to free both you and him from the pit. Miracles are so-so.

brb w/ more

Fanbase

Be warned that any crisitcism of this piece of shit RPG copypasta will immediately induce a shitstorm of nerd rage on any game forum. Many "hardcore" 13 year old boys think that playing the same level ad infintitum, until their eyes melt, makes them superior to normal people who don't see the point.

How to troll in Demon´s Souls

1. Trolling meleefags is easy. Put your shield up and spam spear attacks. For extra lulz use Scraping Spear to destroy armor and make them use Over 9000 souls to repair them.

2. Trolling mage fags. Spam clou spells and then hide. Causes EPIC lulz and RAGE. You will get message(s) complaining about how thats unfair style to fight.

3. Ultimate trolling. Use Soulsucker (requires skills to use) which makes other player lose the souls he used to get leval up. Repeatedly cast so the other player cant get up to maximize the lulz and RAGE

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