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No More Heroes
No More Heroes is basically the internet on a disc in the guise of a vidya game created by a true blue American nicknamed Suda51. In the "game" you take the role of Travis Touchdown, a basement dwelling, lightsaber wielding, anime watching, wrastlin' viewing, vidya game lovin' honky who fucks people up and permabans them from IRL for major lulz and profit.
The Plot
Travis Touchdown literally won a fucking lightsaber off eBay, and goes and kills a bunch of fucks, and by extension their henchmen, to get some bitch to sleep with him. I'm serious. The game takes you on a trippy, gore-tastic journey that either gets the adrenaline going or makes you wish you were dead (i.e., the sub-missions to earn cash).
Why the Fuck This Game actually Exists
Because Americans and their stereotypes are fuckheads, Real Life sucks ass, everyone loves non artistic vidya games, America has no real taste in entertainment nor literature, aside from the occasional TERMINATORZ RAMBOZ AN TOTAL REKALL REHASHES and EPICZ LULZABOUT SITCOM.
This game is also the fucking Internet on a disk, in which while everything around the awesome Travis Touchdown sucks major balls, minus his favorite stores and hangouts, he enjoys his work of raidin' and killin', much like the Hackers on Steroids Group Anonymous. That part is played by You.
What does the title mean?
NO MOAR HEROES. Your emo ass could be put to great use one day, if you stop listening to your shit music and creating something other that shit that has to do with black leather, chains and bats.
Gameplay
The game is like Maximo or Devil May cry, just go around slashin' shit. You typical enemies will be pussy ass fucktard white bodyguards, cocky shithead high school jocks, niggers that you will love jamming your weapon into, fuckhead baseball fans, Mexicans in purple, and shithead nerds wearing Darth Vader costumes. When an arrow appears on your screen, swing the remote that direction, and Travis will fuck up the enemy, and the enemy will yell, "NO MAS", "MY SPLEEN", "I DON'T FEEL SHIT", BOBBA", or "I'M STILL A VIRGIN". Niggers will most likely say the last two on the list. The enemies then blow up into shit soup.
After killing the enemy, you then automatically play Slots and see which limit break you can get. The following are these favorites:
- ZERG RUSH: Travis will yell "STRAWBERRY ON THE SHORTCAKE", go fukin Over 9000 Super Sayin and will tear enemies a new asshole.
- Columbine:Travis will yell "BLUEBERRY CHEESE BROWNIE" and will get fukin serious business and will use his lightsaber as a gun, automatically fucking up the enemy crotch up.
- Pain Series: Travis will yell "CRANBERRY CHOCOLATE SUNDAE" and will slow down time, and will walk around like Jason Voorhees, automatically chopping up any poor feederfucker into shit.
- IT'S REALLY OVER 9 FUCKING THOUSAND: ANARCHY OF THE GALAXY
Places to go to
Motel NO MOAR HEROES
The place where Travis lives, like every anon. The owner of the motel was pissed as shit when people started to kill themselves here, so that's the reason why he changed the name of it.
Doctor Naomi's LABORATORY
Doc Naomi's lab, where she tests to find the greatest dildo ever made. She yells at Travis to not touch anything or she'll fucking kill him, most likely because he might stumble upon the hidden dildo storage room.
BeefHead Videos
Travis' favorite place to rent and buy porn, anime, wrestlen' videos and vidya games. The man who owns the place is ironically Travis' best friend.
Gold Town
Travis and every Japanese and Weeaboo's favorite place to hangout, it's called the Little Tokyo of Santa Destroy. If you find seven Lolicon balls, you get a great prize! It's not painless.
Job Center
Despite who you might get hired by, a shitty town like this doesn't have any lavish jobs.
K-Entertainment
Work your ass off, however, and killing people can be a dream come true! Despite hearing that this place is Santa Destroys advertisement agency, this place is also the big TV station where you can participate in Live Death TV Game shows! Don't expect to live, however.
Iron Claw Point
The place that inspired the new Jackass Movie, starring Travis Touchdown as Johnny Knoxville. They say if you jump your automobile off the ramp, you'll get free prizes!
Places of major shit
Santa Destroy Stadium
The most favorite place in all of great American pastimes, the Post Game Riot. Who knew that there would actually be a fuckhead led gang of shitheads violent enough to start one every time they won OR lost? A great place to start the Government Project of Depopulation. Ironically, there are cloning labs in the basement.
Santa Destroy High School
Typical average American High School, just like your own high school, where everything is taught but a real education. And how the fuck Travis gets away fucking up the local jocks and preppos, I'd love to know. Yes, this game lets you get away with tearing jocks and steroid using homos the fuck up.
Body Slam Beach
Ahh, the beach. Who the fuck would know that the water's toxic enough to make you catch more than just a tan? And I'd best recommend that you WOULDN'T come here at all. There are soldier remains from the landmines the fucking Military were too pussy to remove entirely.
Bear Hug Studios
Film studio that got shut down after filming a Furry porno flick, which was called Bear Hug Humps: Gone Wild Edition. Now inhabited by bums, wiggers and self-important ass actors.
Speed City
I think all the people here died because they all did speed. A fucking ghost town.
WHOULD YOU LIEK SUM VIDEOS WITH YER KATANAZ?
The People
Travis Touchdown
The embodiment of every weeaboo's wet dream, which they could never become. Travis is the most fucking awesome person who ever lived in the history of the USA, surpassing Elvis and Johnny Knoxville, because he looks like them. If he stares at you and scoffs that you're a fucking piece of shit and a fuckhead, your head comes off, and if you try to kill him, the Universe declared that this human being's chances of dying and your chances of winning are null and void. Liek,
He's that fucking cool. If Anon chose another disguise over their Afros, this man is the next candidate. He owns over 9000 anime models and videos, video games, wrestling tapes, lightsabers and trading cards, but we know how he fits all of that in a small ass motel room. Winning the power of the Internet, Travis goes outside and fucking permabans any fuckhead that tries to take his place in the world of killing, and raids to pay his bills. His primary goal is to get laid.
Silvia Christel
The pussy that Travis is chasing after. She is an agent of the United States Assassins Association, which is a association that allows people to kill people in the US. Fukin' hot, she is actually a gigantic cocktease, and literally conned Travis to pay her money, liek, OVER 9000 MILLIONS. Travis actually raeps her after he's done humping the final boss.
Thunder Ryu
An 80 year old Chinese man in panties, who is actually Japanese for once, he is Travis' sensei and personal trainer, who actually used to be a Pro Wresteler and is now a Yakuza. He also likes getting happy with Travis' ass in the shower room, because, he's Japanese! Dies in an epic attempt to block shoop da whoop.
Henry
Travis' twin brother, who's more like Dante's faggot ass. He's Silvia's husband and lover, but when she goes, that's because Henry's money can't feed her dick lusting appetite.
Doctor Naomi
The local, young and scantily clothed scientist who is actually a big slut (also see Yuki Nagato if you aren't a fucking weeaboo, you constipated toughshits.). Despite being a bitch to Travis, she makes and develops Lightsabers for him to use. That must mean that she gets happy with her ligthsabors, and she must have a thing for Travis. Hardcore fans cannot await the day when No More Heroes: Doc Naomi Gone Wild edition comes out next Thursday.
Jeane
There are three Jeanes, for what fucking reason I don't fucking know.
Jeane the Person
This Jeane is actually Travis' used-to-be-Loli half sister, because he had a crush on her. When she and Travis were kids, Travis' mom and dad got a divorce, and Travis' real dad did what every Anon might do to a loli: Get fucking happy with her vagina and mouth, and spank her so that she can do it again. When she got enough money to buy actual martial arts lessons through selling herself, she tore off Travis' new dad's face off and disemboweled Travis' actual mom, and painted his house with their entrails, blood and feces.
When both got old enough to actually kill each other, Jeane punched a fucking hole through Travis' chest, but if there's anything to know about Travis, HE CAN'T FUCKING DIE. Shinobu, like how every nigra can appear out of nowhere, cut off her arm and Travis cut the twat up, leaving her legs and crotch untouched. Travis finally got happy with her in the end, and went full force on Silvia the next day. THE END.
Jeane the Cat
A cat is fine too. Travis' gray striped cat. Meow.
Jeane the New Loli
Either Travis' or Henry's daughter. Like the fuck I know. Silvia's the mom.
The UAA Guys
Death Metal
Death Metal is the embodiment of the attention whore, and the old faggot who used to fuckin' rule, but now just sits in his mansion sipping wine and have lots of sex. He gets his head and hands cut off. Is Number 10.
Dr. Peace
Dr. Peace is the embodiment of what every wigger and wannabe gangster wants to be: a corrupt cop that sells crack and kills people legally for the Mafia. Despite having guns, he forgot that LIGHTSABORS KICKS A GUN'S ASS ANY DAY, and died painfully to death. Is number 9.
Shinobu
Shinobu is your Female Weeaboo wet dream, complete with katana, Japanese School Girl outfit and is a Kogal. She is also a nigger and and 16-year old girl. She attends the local fuckface collection known as Santa Destroy High School, known for their fucking insane and criminally mental jocks. Her clique is the pissed off Weeaboo elites and bitchy fuck Rich Girl groups. Deciding that being a sadistic whore isn't enough, she stays in the fucking school. Since Santa Destroy High is filled with niggers and whiteboy jocks that have nothing else to do but make shit, Travis actually helps the school's discipline problem by pulling off a legal VT and gets away with it. He then gets to Shinobu, and only cuts off her arm. Because she is a gigantic weeaboo, she wants Travis to kill her after cutting off her right arm and the fact that someone with a lightsabor banned her pro wrastlin' father, but Travis says that he didn't do shit and that she can go after Travis when ever she likes. Is Number 8.
Destroyman
NAH-NAH-NAH-NAH-NAH-NAH-NAH-NAH DESTROYMAN! Destroyman is actually the embodiment of a sick cosplayfuck and comic book fan. He likes to kill anyone that disagrees with him and files a complaint, especially complaints about how Magneto's helmet changed looks across time. How he looks buff is because he takes 'roids everyday and has a machine suit that can hide his fatass and acts as his Superpowers, because we know that Batman does the same shit. He greatest weapon is his Destroy Buster, which is dick powered Kamehameha machine. Sadly, his super leet powers and Machine Gun Jubilees couldn't save him from being cut into two from the crotch. Is Number 7.
Holly Summers
Another attention whore, Holly is a Swedish model, who decided after whoring herself in public, why not to the world by sticking a missile launching leg to her body and getting happy with one? She was also used in the military's ultimate ad campaign to get moar moneys by enlisting more and more jocks and fucknuts. After making sure that the new recruits now looked like strawberry jam, Travis couldn't kill her, because, well, he had a boner. Holly then broke the game's rules and title and became An Hero by sticking a grenade in her mouth, thus becoming the greatest attention whore in all of gamer history. Is Number 6.
Letz Shake
The embodiment of Myspace bands, Letz Shake is a punk rock singin' pussy who couldn't fight and WIN even if he found a fuckin' leet ass Top Secret US Military Doomsday weapon to defeat Travis. And that did happen. THE END. Is Number 5. Also he's the German fish from American Dad.
Harvey Moseidwitch VOLODARSKII
What a mother fucking name. Harvey is a stage magician and Las Fagas Superstar, most likely successful because he is a gigantic Otherkin and Magickfag. Harvey likes killing his opponents by trapping them in his Yu-Gi-Oh-inspired Magical Hats and Magic Boxes, but even if you blinded him, chained his ass to a board and there was just a fucking large ass buzzsaw you could hear from miles away, he died like Codey Porter, only ripped in half, with a bloody and torturous death, and not in a sandbox. He fuckin' SUCKED. Is Number 4.
Speed Buster
Most possibly Your Mom. A now fat, ugly ex-member of the Leather Mamas Biker Gang of Speed City, California, Speed Buster haets men with a passion, possibly meaning that she's a lesbian. She also has a fucking Doomsday Shopping Cart which can transform into a nuclear powered Chicken Head lazer cannon, probably earned when she was in the 1950s sucking her husband's cock. As she killed Thunder Ryu, which is the most blatant ripoff of Star Wars, but who gives a fuck, YOU NERDS, Travis avenged his master by cutting off her head. Is Number 3.
Bad Girl
Every parents worst nightmare when you mix a 15-year old girl with Myspace, Alcohol, hardcore S&M, baseball bats and the greatest case of unwarranted self-importance and attention whoring you could find on the Internets. Bad Girl is every MySpace girl's wet dream, and she's fucking proud of it. This bitch is even fucking hard to beat, especially when she cunt teases you into your DEATH. Yes, you dipshits, IT IS AN ACTUAL MOVE. What happens is, once you beat the fucking shit out of her, she starts crying like a bitch. If you go near her while she does this, she fuckings trips your leg, hits you with a bat about 9 times, and then you die. Seriously, Travis can survive fucking grenades and shit, but when it's a baseball bat SHIT GETS REAL OH FUCK. So you have to be a nice, chivalrous gentleman when she falls over. But when you do slap the shit out of her like the cockteasing bitch she is, Travis kills her by just stabbing her pelvis. It's also likely that he got happy when she got on top of him. Good for her, that bitch. She was fucking asking for it. Is Number 2. She is also most likely Zoe Kimball in disguise.
Dark Star
Darth Vader. That's about it, unless you don't count the 9000 Buster Sword long Dragon Lightsaber and the gold armor he's wearing. The only problem is he doesn't even fucking look like Travis at all and is a supreme faggot. He dies when Jeane's fists leave a hole where his gigantic nuts would be if he had any. Is Number 1, until Jeane smashes his dick off. Also, MOTHER FUCKING STEVEN BLUM DOES HIS VOICE. YOU GOT THAT, FAGGOTS?
THE FUCKING PORT OMG
A port of the game already came out in Japan for PS3 and 360, and now it's coming out in real countries like America and the United States Of Europe as well! It's called No More Heroes: Hero's Paradise, and while it's coming out here for the PS3 and Playstation Move, 360 fanboys will have to watch, sobbing, as they are left the only console without the TOUCHDOWN.
THE FUCKING SEQUEL OMG
Yes, they're making a sequel of this game called No More Heroes: Desperate Struggle. It shouldn't really be any surprise to Anon unless you are either someone who has never played the game, or some retard who actually played the game, but thought it was total shit, which is what 16% of all Wii players think because this game series hasn't gained enough win yet (obviously). Anyway, the teaser trailer shows Travis wearing leather and he is seen fighting this random-ass braud with A FUCKING JETPACK!!!111ununun Then, for no apparent reason, he comes at you like some pissed off motherfucker and says a famous line from The Terminator, but in a gay and yelly tone. Srsly, this guy needs to calm down. You know what, I'll let you see the teaser for yourself.
Unfortunately for the NMH fans, they'll have to start cutting themselves in epic BAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWW, as this game won't be coming out until January 2010. HAHAHA DISREGARD_THAT, I SUCK COCKS the game is already out. Nope.
—rattamierda, BAWWW-ing because his Hitman series is reduced to shitty porno fanart. | ||
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No More Heroes is part of a series on Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage. |