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Aurora Theatre Shooting
Following death threats to critics who scorned The Dark Knight Rises, fans were disappointed to learn that the poor reviews were accurate. One particularly dedicated fan known as James Holmes decided to take out his crippling dissatisfaction out on other moviegoers- with the help of an assault rifle and a canister of gas.
The Attack
With the power of the Internet and help from some gun shops, Holmes managed to buy four guns and 6,000 rounds of ammunition 60 days prior to the one-sided game of bullet-tag. Adorned in protective gear that even the finest FPS cosplayer would be jealous of, the man bought a ticket to see a midnight showing of The Dark Knight Rises (because paying for a ticket is completely worthwhile if you're getting arrested anyway) and walked into the movie theater. He then walked out to gather his weaponry from his car. Seemingly oblivious to the attention he had already attracted to himself and irregardless of the fact that he had already purchased a pass, Holmes opted to borrow a leaf from Chuck Norris upon reentry by kicking in an exit door and then unleashed a flurry of smoke bombs and bullets upon the vulnerable crowd. About 70 casualties have been counted, and to date 12 people have died as a result of the attack, which makes Holmes' score pretty average on the spree killer scoreboard. Sorry man, better luck next time!
Unable to muster the courage to off himself and add another point to his killcount, Holmes was apprehended by the police about ten minutes after the massacre. He is now in custody and probably tucked within the well-oiled arms of Bubba.
The Man Behind the Gasmask
Those acquainted with Holmes overwhelmingly mentioned how quiet and reclusive he had been, suggesting that he was strongly familiar with the darker corners of the Internet. While the man had been enrolled in a Neuroscience PhD program, he had recently dropped out (and subsequently spent hours training for action on Call of Duty).
Apparently Holmes had created an Adult Friend Finder account prior to the attack in which he was dressed as The Joker. On this account he asked for a fuck buddy who'd visit him in prison. Luckily for Holmes, his sexual impulses will probably be handled by his future cellmate.
Although Holmes was a quiet neighbor, police found that his apartment was filled to the brim with booby traps. This suggests that, instead of being batshit insane, Holmes is simply a Libertarian trying to protect himself from the long arm of The Man.
Motive
None are known at this time, but some say he did it because he was liberating the residents of Gotham City.
Warner Bros. DID AURORA
Watch minute 2:00 O_O
The Media Reacts
As per usual, old media decided to molest this story until it was put into foster care. Profound questions have been posed, such as 'did film violence cause this to happen?', and 'should we be exposing children to violent media?'. Of course, within a week this parent-baiting rabble will be abandoned as a new violent news story grips the attention of the public.
