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Aurora Theatre Shooting
The Aurora Shooting (aka: Batman Shooting and other retarded names) occured last Thursday when our hero, James Holmes decided to liberate the citizens of Gotham by going on a mass act of pwnage in an epic quest to achieve the all time high score, currently in possession of Anders Breivik. Sadly for him and his country, he was nowhere near the pwnage achieved by the Norwegian hero, and America must continue waiting for the hero that will restore her pride as the most batshit crazy country in the world.
Besides getting the high score, other motivations for this act may have been the death threats to critics who scorned The Dark Knight Rises, fans were disappointed to learn that the poor reviews were accurate. The particularly dedicated fan James Holmes decided to take out the crippling dissatisfaction of other moviegoers, American style, by giving them a taste of REAL 3D expierience.
The Aftermath of the Lulzfest
The Attack
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Gameplay Action
With the power of the Internet and help from some gun shops, Holmes managed to buy four guns and 6,000 rounds of ammunition 60 days prior to the one-sided game of bullet-tag. Adorned in protective gear that even the finest FPS cosplayer would be jealous of, the man bought a ticket to see a midnight showing of The Dark Knight Rises (because paying for a ticket is completely worthwhile if you're getting arrested anyway) and walked into the movie theater. He then walked out to gather his weaponry from his car. Seemingly oblivious to the attention he had already attracted to himself and irregardless of the fact that he had already purchased a pass, Holmes opted to borrow a leaf from Chuck Norris upon reentry by kicking in an exit door and then unleashed a flurry of smoke bombs and bullets upon the vulnerable crowd. About 70 casualties have been counted, and to date 12 people have died as a result of the attack, which makes Holmes' score pretty average on the spree killer scoreboard. Sorry man, better luck next time!
Unable to muster the courage to off himself and add another point to his killcount, Holmes was apprehended by the police approximately ten minutes after the massacre. He is now in custody and probably tucked within the well-oiled arms of Bubba, being anally rehabilitated.
The Man Behind the Gasmask
Those acquainted with Holmes overwhelmingly mentioned how quiet and reclusive he had been, suggesting that he was strongly familiar with the darker corners of the Internet. While the man had been enrolled in a Neuroscience PhD program, he had recently dropped out (and subsequently spent hours training for action on Call of Duty).
Apparently Holmes had created an Adult Friend Finder account prior to the attack in which he was dressed as The Joker. On this account he asked for a fuck buddy who'd visit him in prison. Luckily for Holmes, his sexual impulses will probably be handled by his future cellmate.
Although Holmes was a quiet neighbor, police found that his apartment was filled to the brim with booby traps. This suggests that, instead of being batshit insane, Holmes is simply a Libertarian trying to protect himself from the long arm of The Man.
Motive
Although Holmes most likely did it for the lulz, others argue that he did it because he was saving the residents of Gotham City. Because he's the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we'll hunt him, because he can take it. Because he's not the hero. He's a silent guardian, a watchful protector. The Dark Knight.
Skip to 2:00
The Media Reacts
As per usual, old media decided to molest this story until it was put into foster care. Profound questions have been posed, such as 'did film violence cause this to happen?', and 'should we be exposing children to violent media?'. Of course, within a week this parent-baiting rabble will be abandoned as a new violent news story grips the attention of the public masses.
The Community Reacts
Judging by this photo, not everyone was too devastated. In fact, some background characters in this whole saga were laughing their way through, while others just were waiting for the next showing.
