- Portals
- The Current Year
- ED in the News
- Admins
- Help ED Rebuild
- Archive
- ED Bookmarklet
- Donate Bitcoin
Contact an admin on Discord or EDF if you want an account. Also fuck bots.
Aurora Theatre Shooting
The Aurora Theatre Shooting (aka "The Batman Shooting") took place last Thursday following our hero, James Holmes, taking it upon himself to liberate the citizens of Gotham City through an act of mass pwnage. Some argue that his 'epic quest' was in reality nothing more than an attempt to achieve the all-time high score; currently held by Anders Breivik. Sadly for Holmes and his country, he came nowhere near the figure achieved by the gallant Norwegian and America must therefore continue to wait for her champion in order to the reclaim the rank of 'most batshit-crazy country in the world'.
Besides aiming for the high score another motivation for the act has been telegraphed by a number of death threats made to critics who poured scorn upon The Dark Knight Rises; fans were devastated to learn that the multitude of poor reviews were infact 100% accurate. Holmes, in an original take on the situation, decided to express his crippling dissatisfaction to other movie-goers and so attended a midnight screening in order to supply them with a trully 'interactive 3D' experience.
—Awestruck Patron | ||
The Attack
| Class Setup | |
|---|---|
| Item | Accessories/Bonus |
 |
|
 |
|
 |
|
 |
|
 |
|
 |
|
 |
|
Gameplay Action
With the power of the Internet and help from some gun shops, Holmes managed to buy four guns and 6,000 rounds of ammunition 60 days prior to the one-sided game of bullet-tag. Adorned in protective gear that even the finest FPS cosplayer would be jealous of, the man bought a ticket to see a midnight showing of The Dark Knight Rises (because paying for a ticket is completely worthwhile if you're getting arrested anyway) and walked into the movie theater. He then walked out to gather his weaponry from his car. Seemingly oblivious to the attention he had already attracted to himself and irregardless of the fact that he had already purchased a pass, Holmes opted to borrow a leaf from Chuck Norris upon reentry by kicking in an exit door and then unleashed a flurry of smoke bombs and bullets upon the vulnerable crowd. About 70 casualties have been counted, and to date 12 people have died as a result of the attack, which makes Holmes' score pretty average on the spree killer scoreboard. Sorry man, better luck next time!
Unable to muster the courage to off himself and add another point to his killcount, Holmes was apprehended by the police approximately ten minutes after the massacre. He is now in custody and probably tucked within the well-oiled arms of Bubba, being anally rehabilitated.
Aftermath of the Lulzfest
The Man Behind the Gasmask
Those acquainted with Holmes overwhelmingly mentioned how quiet and reclusive he had been, suggesting that he was strongly familiar with the darker corners of the Internet. While the man had been enrolled in a Neuroscience PhD program, he had recently dropped out (and subsequently spent hours training for action on Call of Duty).
Apparently Holmes had created an Adult Friend Finder account prior to the attack in which he was dressed as The Joker. On this account he asked for a fuck buddy who'd visit him in prison. Luckily for Holmes, his sexual impulses will probably be handled by his future cellmate.
Although Holmes was a quiet neighbor, police found that his apartment was filled to the brim with booby traps. This suggests that, instead of being batshit insane, Holmes is simply a Libertarian trying to protect himself from the long arm of The Man.
Motive
Although Holmes most likely did it for the lulz, others argue that he did it because he was saving the residents of Gotham City. Because he's the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we'll hunt him, because he can take it. Because he's not the hero. He's a silent guardian, a watchful protector... a Dark Knight.
Skip to 2:00
The Media Reacts
As per usual, old media decided to molest this story until it was put into foster care. Profound questions have been posed, such as 'did film violence cause this to happen?', and 'should we be exposing children to violent media?'. Of course, within a week this parent-baiting rabble will be abandoned as a new violent news story grips the attention of the public masses.
The Community Reacts
Judging by the following photographic documentation, not everyone was "devastated" by the incident; some managed to laugh their way through the entire ordeal whilst others were just hanging around waiting for the next showing...
See also
