Sword Art Online
Sword Art Online, also known as Sword Fart Online, is a "light novel" written by a Jap known as Reki Kawahara, which later got adapted into a really shitty anime.
In The Beginning
When Reki was a 13-year-old boy he was often bullied in school for being an autistic retard, and thus he spent a good deal of time alone in his room. Being a friendless loser, Reki discovered the joy of video games. He filled his days with Wizardry and Phantasy Star Online. He decided to write a book about his dorky games featuring a guy he wish he could be like as a form of wish fulfillment in 2001. Other Hikikomori just like him bought the book to imagine a reality where you could play vidya IRL and get bitches doing so.
In 2012, he conjured the abomination up from the deep grimy pits of his mom's basement and begged several producers to adapt his work into an anime, after sucking several cocks for the CEOs of a Japanese company named abec, he finally got his way.
Plot
"Original" Story
The story follows an emo nerd named Kirito, who lives in Japan in the year 2022, there is a massive hype about a Virtual-Reality MMORPG called Sword Art Online being released on the NerveGear; a virtual-reality console that puts the user in a hyper realistic 3D environment.
On release date, Kirito is playing the game, after 4 hours of gameplay he realizes the game is absolute shit and that he just wasted good money that he could instead have used to buy the also-newly-released Half Life 3 on steam, but as he is about to log off and put the game on the shelf forever, he sees that there is no option to log off.
That is when the Game creator summons every player to the world spawn to bring out the news that they can't log off unless they beat every boss in the game, and if you die in game you don't respawn, you die IRL.
After at least 100 episodes (of which only 3 have actual plot progression), Kirito predictably defeats the final boss and wakes up from his gaming comatose, the first thing he does is to try and locate his internet gf. He succeeds in doing so, but she hasn't waked up from her comatose because an evil Japanese businessman is keeping her trapped in his virtual sex dungeon and plans to fuck her IRL, Kirito again sets out on a journey to prove his manhood.
It actually is as boring as it seems.
Sword Art Online II
After beating two MMOs the Japanese government realizes that Kirito is literally good for nothing besides playing video games so he gets asked to join League of Duty to get the attention of some faggot(s) named DeathStroke Blade Knight Eater Egg-Robo Gun, who's pawning only the most autistic retards that play the MMO. Kirito must investigate the super secret hax that Death Gun has to stop more people from being pwned within an MMO. It's a lot like .hack//Roots, except that was boring so it didn't happen.
Kirito becomes a trap for the lulz and meets up with a delicious jailbait named Sinon who's using video games to become a violent MLGer so she can cope with the fact that when she was a loli she needed to take three shots to irl-pwn someone. This causes Kirito to emotionally bond with her because in Sword Art Online he killed 6 7 12 at least 100 3 people! So Kirito gets a lightsaber and kills all the bad guys. The end.
Typical Episode Synopsis
- Kirito is wandering around an area that isn't where the previous episode takes place. All of the exciting shit has happened offscreen right before the episode begins.
- Kirito (and possible allies) meets character of the day about 2 minutes in.
- Character of the day has a problem.
- Character of the day spends literally 5 minutes explaining what the problem is.
- Kirito attempts to solve that problem, but we don't get any scenery change until about 10 minutes in.
- Something from the game escalates the problem after a 5 minutes of jacking off.
- There is a fight.
- The fight ends in 2 minutes when Kirito pulls some special move out of his asshole and saves the day
- Character of the day either dies right in front of Kirito (cue the sad music and 2 hours of crying) or thanks Kirito for being more powerful than your average WoW basement dweller. The rest of the episode is devoted to this.
- Kirito is revealed to have gotten just a little bit closer to completing the game.
The only notable exceptions to this rule are when Kirito spends about half of the episode making a grown man pretending to be a fairy piss himself crying, and when Kirito and his bitch go on honeymoon and have sex by a lake. Prove me wrong, faggots.
Characters
- Kirito: The author's shameless self-insert of a protagonist, you know this guy is srs bznz because he wears black clothes and has a hueg sword, he is completely devoid of any personality besides a desire to stopping things from raping his girlfriend. Despite being a quiet guy who plays vidya all day, he gets hordes of wimminz wanting to suck his dick, giving teenagers the impression that they too, do not need confidence, or even an interesting personality, to get laid.
- Asuna: Kirito's bitch, at first she seems like generic tsundere, but in the latter half of the series she has less personality than your typical dish sponge, living for apparently no reason other than wanting to fuck Kirito. She is also in an arranged marriage with Sugou. Oh and she literally doesn't do jack shit for the last 100 episodes (other than get ass- raped by the antagonist).
- Yui: A computer program that starts to feel human emotions thanks to the power of love from Kirito and Asuna. Sees Kirito as her daddy, which makes her literally the only female in the series to not want Kirito's microdick... yet.
- Klein: Typical highschool fuckboi who goes to /v/, he only gets around 10 minutes of screentime for the duration of the series so he plays the role of cannon fodder and is there only for comic relief.
- Agil: A huge fucking nigger who found his way to the internet, he miraculously doesn't die during the first episode. Gives Kirito the game that season 2 takes place in, so he probably has a thing for little boy cock.
- Kirigaya: Kirito's adopted sister that wants his cock. She's not really his sister, though, she's his cousin, so it's all good.
- Kayaba: Creator of SOA (the game, not this anime shit). Causes a lot of people to die for the sake of his power phantasy. An heroes so that he can become a program and live amongst the internet pron. His name sounds suspiciously similar to a completely different game entrepreneur from a different series.
- Sugou/Oberon: In real life, he is nothing more than your average hard-working Japanese man, but In videogames, he is a game admin and appear as a fairy, letting his true sexuality come forth. He keeps Asuna trapped in his rape dungeon to literally rape her self-insert for teh lulz as he bides his time for his ultimate goal: to get legal permission to rape her unconscious body 24/7. Needless to say, for whatever reason he does not violate Asuna at all since he's ashamed of his micocawk. Kirito eventually manages to defeat him using h4x, he then tries to fight Kirito IRL but fails because he got stabbed in the eye. No Really, go ahead and look it up.That shit actually happens
- Sinon - A delicious schoolgirl from the second series who got away with murder by getting all of the virtual headshots, or some shit. In an odd twist, she wants Kirito's dick until she learns that he's a trap, then wants his dick 7 episodes later. Good try.
- Death Gun - Actually two people who pawn the leaderboards for some game called Gun Gail Online, which is enough to call the attention of the Japanese Government, who apparently have nothing else to do. One of them is a cuck who wants Sinon's butt and the other is a surviving member of Laughing Coffin, a bunch of neckbeards who preyed on newbs on SAO.
- At least 500 other characters that appear once or twice and were killed off moments after being introduced.
See Also
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