John Holmes

John C. Holmes was born August 8, 1944 and went on to become one of the greatest drug-addicted bi-sexual detectives and adult film stars of the twentieth century. He appeared in over 2,000 porno flicks (including some blatant film faggotry thrown in for good measure) while solving crimes with the help of his loyal penis, which he lovingly called “Doctor Watson.” Holmes died of fail and AIDS on March 13, 1988, after solving his last big mystery, the Cryptic Case of the Wonderland Murders.

Early Life

Holmes was born John Curtis Estes on August 8, 1944 in the small rural town of Asshole Fuzz, Ohio, located about twenty-five miles south of Columbus. He was the youngest of four children born to 26-year-old Mary June Holmes (née Barton); the name of his father was not listed on his birth certificate, although research both by Holmes and the prosecutors in the Wonderland Murders hints that the father may have been the father of Vern Estes, the founder of the Estes Model Rocket Company. According to pr0n historian and rumormonger Luke Ford, datamining ancestry.com has shown links to Holmes' maternal side of the family tree having at least one indentured servant or slave being a direct ancestor of Holmes. One of them, a male known only as "Spearchucker" or "Chuck", was the father of a very light-skinned 1/4 white girl who married into the Barton family. From that influx of "Spearchucker's" genes, every other generation at least one of the Barton descendents who was male had a larger-than-normal penis, normally accompanied by a natural blond afro.

Mary and her husband, Edward Holmes, the father of Holmes' three older siblings, Dale, Edward and Anne, were separated numerous times throughout their marriage. Mary changed John's middle and surname to Estes and Holmes when he was a child. It was not until 1986, prior to a trip to Italy, when his mother provided him with the hand-written copy of his original birth certificate that Holmes learned the name of his biological father, which was listed as Carl "Vernon" Estes. John's mother was a devout Southern Baptist, who regularly attended the Milport Chapel Church along with her children, where John had such a perfect attendance record that the local Catholic church tried to recruit John for altar boy duties. Or, at least that was the reason given at the time. According to Holmes in a 1982 interview, Holmes noted that just before the offer was extended, the priest and Holmes had both gone to the restroom, and the priest got a rather good view of Holmes' endowment.

John's stepfather, Edward Holmes, was an devout drunk who would come home totally trashed every night including Sunday, stumble about the house looking for a place to piss other than the bathroom or the sink, and even vomit on the children while they helped him undress so he wouldn't catch his short dick in the pants zipper. As a child, John enjoyed a reprieve from his turbulent home life when he would visit his maternal grandparents, where his grandmother reportedly first demonstrated just what his dick was for, and together wound up discovering just how endowed Holmes was going to become. By Holmes' account, he had his first erection at age three with the help of his grandmother, who measured his penis at ~6" when it became parallel to the floor.

Mary Holmes divorced her husband when Holmes was three or four and moved with her children to Columbus, Ohio, where they lived in a crack house, low-income apartment project with a hooker friend of Mary's and her two children. The two women worked as strippers, clerks and waitresses in order to support their young children. Mary's roommate and her one daughter also helped Holmes with his bathing and dressing, including showing him how to masturbate. All three disagree as to when Holmes finally achieved orgasm, but the minimum time from first stroke to first spooge was at least 30 minutes; a skill that would be needed in his later career in pr0n.

When Holmes was eight, his mother married a major po'white trash chump named Harold Bowman. Shortly after, the family moved from Columbus and settled in the small town of Pataskala, Ohio about 10 miles east of Columbus. Holmes recalled that Bowman was actually a good father until his younger half-brother, David, was born. At that point Bowman lost interest in his non-biological children and began neglecting them, and in the case of Holmes' younger sister, reportedly sodomized her after Mary Holmes refused to submit.

Disgusted with home life, Holmes left home at age 16 and joined the United States Army. He spent three years in West Germany in the Signal Corps, where he was one of the few friends of one Lee Harvey Oswald, whom he met during a bar brawl between two groups of Aaarmy and Jarhead shore leave parties. Upon his honorable discharge in 1960, Holmes had returned home to visit his Mother. When he discovered that his stepfather had physically assaulted his mother and then brutally sodomized her, Holmes proceeded to beat Bowman to a pulp, and then returned the sodomy unto Bowman with such force that Bowman was hospitalized and required some reconstructive surgery on his sphincter and bowels. No charges were filed by either Holmes or Bowman, and Bowman moved out immediately following his discharge from the hospital.

Holmes moved to Los Angeles, where he worked in a variety of jobs, including selling goods door-to-door, providing sexual favors to his landlord and her friends in exchange for free rent, and tending the vats at a Coffee-Nips factory as a "stirrer" - a position that his employer awarded Holmes several "Best Nip Stirrer of the Month" awards. However it was during his stint as an ambulance driver that he met a nurse named Sharon Gebenini in December 1964. After treating him for a gallstone that had passed but gotten stuck in his vas deferens, Gebenini proposed to Holmes and "wouldn't take 'no' for an answer". They married in August 1965, and according to Sharon Holmes, during the first 17 months of Sharon's marriage to John, while they had sex "at least 8-9 times a day" she suffered three miscarriages, all of which were due to cranial damage resulting from sex with John after the second trimester. This fits with the claims of two siblings, a pair of fraternal twins, that they were born out of wedlock, and that Holmes was their father. Both plaintiffs had dents in their foreheads that matched the size and shape of the head of Holmes' bellend.

Early pr0n Career

In early 1967, the Holmes' family came up short for their monthly rent due to Holmes' being laid off from his job as a forklift operator, As the landlord was both male and straight, Both John and Sharon were forced to turn tricks in order to get the rent paid. John was more successful than Sharon, as he found a rather rapid series of clients due to his satisfaction of a rich socialite whose eight full-term pregnancies had stretched out her vagina that the only way she could achieve orgasms during sex was to be fucked by a cock the size of the one John had. The socialite shared her good fortune with John by recommending him to some two dozen of her friends, and Holmes was able to not only pay the rent for the current month, but for the next *two* years in advance.

One of his clients was the widow of a Los Angeles detective, who had contacts in the fledgling pr0n loop industry, and arranged for John to meet with some loop producers. By the time he made his first big-screen appearance in Kama Sutra '71, he'd already performed in over 80 loops, and was making as much as $500.00 USD a loop for both the Danish Color Climax series and the then-new Swedish Erotica line marketed initially by Erik Imports, a 8mm loop distributor owned in part by another of Holmes' "Midnite Cowboy" clients. One of those other clients was the retired secretary of a very famous LA detective, and it was this client who knew of Holmes' hobby of wanting to become a detective. This client arranged for a meeting with a friend who would give Holmes a method of relaxing after a day of pr0n production. That friend was a forensic criminologist, Dr. Watson, who just so happened to be his 15" penis; a penis that had managed to become a symbiotic, sentient being unto itself.

Holmes and Doctor Watson

Doctor Watson after the death of Holmes.

The coke sniffing Holmes and Watson had many adventures and got into many sticky situations throughout their long and industrious career. It was said that the two would often argue about who was the bigger star, but it was generally accepted that Holmes would have been nothing without Watson, although at the time Holmes successfully argued Watson would not exist were it not for Holmes. Watson was later proven to be the correct one when, years after Holmes' demise, he went on to have an enduring career on British television when he scored the roll of Monty Hall’s sidekick on the BBC revival of the game show “Beat The Cock.” This was followed by an appearance on the pilot episode of Bullseye! for ITV in 1988 with Watson playing the 12" penis that contestants had 30 seconds to stimulate it to orgasm while aiming the shot towards the desired section of the dart board.

It was much later that Watson gained his biggest fame, standing in as John Kerry’s penis during the 2004 Presidential Election after Kerry's own strap-on, "Mr. Swift Boat" had a "wardrobe malfunction" and refused to stay either attached or erect. While Watson's efforts did not give Kerry enough support to attract the number of voters required to beat George Dubya Bush, Kerry has acknowledged with gratitude that without Watson filling in for the malfunctioning "Mr. Swift Boat", he would have looked more like the idiotic Herman Munster clone he actually is.

Dr. Watson's Actual Length

The actual length of Watson remains a topic of considerable debate a quarter of a century after Holmes' death. According to interviews conducted by Holmes' second wife, Laurie Rose, several of Holmes' female clients claim he was approximately 18" from base to tip when fully erect, and all of them used a tape measure and did not push the base inwards nor pull the shaft outwards. Several of Holmes' male co-stars claim that they witnessed Holmes repeating the measurements over the years, but never saw it longer than 13.5 inches. Holmes also used these measurements to help have his penis insured in case of damage or dismemberment with Lloyds of London for "A cool million bucks an inch!"

Some pr0n historians have noted that some of Watson's actual length may have been a bit of an illusion, as in the first five years of his career almost all of his female co-stars had an average height of 5'1", and were very narrow in the waist. While this made Holmes look as if he were about 6'9" tall, it did add to the illusion that he was perhaps greater than 15" in length. Especially when his diminutive co-stars could not get more than half of Watson inside any of their three orifices. As a result, when Holmes began being referred to by his name in advertisements and brochures for his loops, he was advertised as being 15" long. This had an adverse effect in regards to signing up co-stars; word quickly spread through the industry grapevine that

"...while [Holmes] is a very sweet, caring, professional performer, unless you've got at least a pussy that's already stretched out and deep, it's going to hurt like hell even if you're all lubed up. Refusing to fuck something that big isn't you being a snob, it's a simple case of self-preservation!"

In addition, there was another problem: Holmes had gotten into a partnership with a company that produces dildos and vibrators to produce a 100% accurate strap-on dildo that duplicated Watson from bellend to ball sack. When first released, the company could barely keep up with the demand for what was advertised as being 15" long. Holmes' share of the take ended up being a clear case of money coming in hand over fist, with Watson making him a large chunk of expendable cash from women - and men - who wanted to see whether or not they could take on something that big.

However, when some customers actually measured the Watson duplicates from the base of the shaft to the tip, it was found that the actual length was closer to 13". Complaints were filed not with the company, but with both the BBB and the FTC concerning the various "truth in advertising laws in effect. To avoid getting both sued and fined, Holmes took steps to change the advertised length of Watson. Within a year of the first inquiry by the FTC, Watson's length had been revised to 14", then 13.5" within the next 3-4 months. By the time Holmes passed away of AIDS in 1988, Watson's length had finally settled at 12.5" with a circumference of ~7.5".

This latter measurement is what Laurie Rose had conducted just prior to her first anal sex experience with Watson, but Holmes had in his collection of his favorite loop performances one particular loop that's in essence the "Zapruder Film" of the "How Long/Big was Johnny Wadd?" mystery. The loop had Holmes' co-star get Watson fully erect, then measure it using a tape measure. The results showed clearly that Watson was ~15 inches long! If one needs a visual aid for the acronym YMMV, this loop clip is probably it! LOL!!

The Wonderland Murders

Holmes' and Watson’s drug use began to negatively effect their ability to solve crimes and perform in porn, so in-between cases they started whoring themselves out to both men and women. The crime-fighting team then developed a friendship with a piece of shit drug dealer named Eddie Nash, who supplied Holmes and Watson with the coke they so adored. At the same time, Holmes and Watson were closely watching the Wonderland Gang, so-called for the location of their hideout; a rowhouse located on Wonderland Avenue in a neighborhood in Los Angeles. Unknown to the pair of detectives, the Wonderland Gang had followed them to Eddie Nash’s house, where they stole all that delicious cocaine.

Thoroughly pissed off, Nash showed the Wonderland Gang that he was hard core. Two days after being ripped off, four out of five of the Wonderland gang were found beaten to death with a claw hammer in their blood-spattered hideout, and became known as The Case of the Wonderland Murders. Holmes and Watson followed a tricky trail of clues, which led them straight back to Eddie Nash. Holmes then pwned Nash by beating him mercilessly with Doctor Watson, after which Holmes promptly died of AIDS. Watson survived, and was unhurt other than a minor concussion and some bruises to the helmet. Eddie Nash survived his pummeling and went on to form the hit musical group “Crosby, Stills, Nash, Young, Gifted and Black.”