Pete Davidson

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Pete Davidson
Born	November 16, 1993 (32 years old)
Nationality	Americunt
Ethnicity	White devils
Gender	Male
Occupation	"Comedian"

Peter Michael Davidson is an American comedian, actor, and writer who thinks he can make us laugh at how "funny" he is, but ends up making us laugh at his stupidity. He began his career in the early 2010s with minor guest roles on Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Friends of the People, Guy Code, and Wild 'n Out before being hired as cast member on the painfully unfunny Saturday Night Live.

Life before fame

The good ol' days before 9/11

Pete's dad was a New York City firefighter for Ladder 118 who, along with the rest of his unit, crashed and burned during the September 11th Attacks in 2001. Daddy Davidson was last seen running up the stairs of the Marriott World Trade Center in Downtown Manhattan before one of the Twin Towers crumbled down from the impact of the airplane. Little Pete was so traumatized with the fact that he was going to grow up fatherless that he started to act out in school, ripping his hair out until he was bald. In October 2016, he revealed on The Breakfast Club morning radio show that he struggled with suicidal thoughts when he was younger and that the music of some walky talky chocolate rappist named Kid Cudi saved his life.

He first attempted stand-up at the age of 16 in a Staten Island bowling alley, where a group of friends, aware of his comedic dreams, challenged him to perform on stage. Of course, the skits didn't last too long thanks to then-undiagnosed Crohn's literally getting the best of his asshole. It wasn't until a year later that Davidson was professionally diagnosed with Crohn's disease, which could explain why he couldn't help but smell like rotten eggs each time he went to school. To take care of it, he has tried getting stoned off his ass on medical marijuana for pain management. But failed miserably, so now he has to rely on intravenous biologic therapy to prevent his digestive system from not holding in his stool every hour.

After graduating from high school, Davidson enrolled at St. Francis College in Brooklyn Heights. However, he only attended for one semester before deciding to drop out to chase a full-time career in comedy, which also explains why he made so many stupid decisions after entering society's shitty "Get yourself a significant other to be considered cool" games.

Pete being like the cool kids of 2014!

Pete roasting Justin Bieber like a raw turkey

As Justin Bieber was acting out as a result of getting fucked in the ass by P Diddy, having his butt cheeks violated by multiple celebrities, and getting mistaken for some random jailbait lesbian, Pete decided to cater to all the people shaming Justin for having idiotic ways of coping with childhood rape by joining Comedy Central's roast of Justin Bieber. Luckily, Bieber found the roasts funny because he knew what a douchebag the pain from Diddy rubbing baby oil on his chocolate salty dick, preparing to shove it up Bieber's ass, was turning him into.

Relationshits

	“	It was pretty humiliating and upsetting, honestly. Everyone is dating everyone and it’s Hollywood ... But because I’m ugly, they wrote about me. I was harassed for like five years and it made my life a living hell.	„
	— How each relationship for Pete went in a nutshell

Cazzie David

How did ugly ass Pete pull in such a hottie like Cazzie?

Aww, he even got a little kid doodle of a tattoo based of of her.

Cazzie Laurel David (born May 10, 1994) is some nepo baby scriptwriter and actress who co-created and co-starred in some obscure web series called Eighty-Sixed. From 2016 until Ariana miraculously seduced Pete away from Cazzie with her grande-sized sex drive, they were deeply enamored with each other. Pete was so obsessed with Cazzie that he had her cartoon likeness tattooed on his arm, her name inked on his ring finger, and her favorite emoji permanently etched on his skin. Cazzie, on the other hand, struggled to convey her genuine love for him and feared ending the relationship, recalling that Pete was threatening to audition for the Golden iPod Awards if she decided that she was going to dump him for being a borderline simp for her.

Eventually, David found the strength to initiate a breakup, but just days later, she called Pete back, admitting she had made a mistake because now he was moving to date someone with an even bigger following (and far more sexual desire) than her. Instead of giving into the option of taking Cazzie back, Pete gave into too much sex with Ariana and her powers of making any man that comes her way to think about nothing more than getting naked and under the covers with her. Under Ariana's spell, Pete told Cazzie that he was “the happiest he had ever been”, putting an end to his 2-year relationship with Cazzie, 2 days after Cazzie realized her mistake.

The next day, Cazzie discovered he was now with Putana Grande, having posted photos on Instagram showing that he had covered up his tattoos he got in honor of Cazzie. She was so heartbroken. On the flight to her sister’s college graduation, her father held her as she shook uncontrollably in his arms for the entire journey. In the hotel bathroom, she curled up, crying and using her vape pens. She awoke “screaming in agony,” with her father having to pull her from the bed to prevent her from spiraling further, reminding her that their ancestors survived to Holocaust.

Social media only compounded the pain Cazzie was feeling over time. On Instagram, Whoriana's fandom full of jailbait in the process of getting virtually molested by their unexpected sugar daddies and faggots wearing every layer of dick cheese they squirted during arousal as a second layer of underwear were harassing Cazzie nonstop, saying shit like Davidson had upgraded from Walmart to Chanel. She struggled to stop the sickening footage playing in her mind of Gaveintosex and his new lover immediately falling in love, accompanied by audio of that grande putana's voice whispering sweet nothings in his ear, dubbed over his past declarations of love and trust to her.

Cazzie's book chronicling her breakup with Pete and dealing with unstable faggots and pieces of jailbait as a result of it

	“	It was a really pivotal moment in my life, and writing about it has caused me a ton of anxiety, especially because I talk so much about hating the attention it brought me. Why would I bring more attention to myself by writing about it? But there’s nothing that’s gonna be worse than what I already experienced with that.	„
	— Cazzie on getting harassed by the Urinators

In the end, Pete got lucky upon the fact that Cazzie didn't hate him entirely despite how much trouble his relationship with someone as devious as Ariana brought onto her path as the two have since rekindled their friendship after Mac Miller's suicide caused Ariana to dump Pete after only 5 months together, which lead to so many jailbait Urinators turning against Pete after initially opening warm, welcoming arms to him when he started dated their idol.

	“	Pete. I love you ... Your bravery inspires me, and your friendship means everything to me.	„
	— Cazzie not being a bitter bitch like anyone else would after a breakup

Ariana Grande

We already covered how that grande-sized disaster of a relationship went over here!

Kate Beckinsale

Don't be fooled! She's old enough to be his mother!

Embarrassed with people no longer seeing him as one of the cool kids in the entertainment industry as a result of Ariana's grande-sized sexual desires getting the best of her yet again, Pete's own desires caught up to him when he came across the freshly divorced Kate Beckinsale, who was TWO WHOLE DECADES his senior, making Kate not only a cougar, but also old enough to be Pete's mother. Pete was so high up into cloud nine about being taken again after a very humiliating breakup that lead to him almost erasing his existence from our world, that he suggested looking into the personal lives of Leonardo DiCaprio, Alec Baldwin, Larry King, and even everyone's favorite pussy grabbing troll, all of whom specialize in dating women young enough to be their daughters. Unfortunately for Pete, this relationship lasted even shorter, with Kate and Pete calling time on their romance just three months later. Luckily, Pete is not as salty as the average person when it comes to breakups, so likewise with Cazzie, Kate and Pete were able to stay friends. Ariana, however, doesn't really consider Pete to be a friend of hers because in her big ol' raunchy comedy of a mind, men and women cannot be capable of being "just friends" and the only way an opposite-gender friendship can work out is if the man in the friendship likes the feeling of dicks touching their poop baby that's just a waiting to take a long waterslide journey from the toilet all the way to the septic tank.

Kim Kardashian

Kanye was THAT pissed being bitchless.

Get fucked, Kanye!

Khloe, you are not in middle school anymore. Knock it off!

Big booty Kim was so devastated with her divorce from that Hitler loving nigger, Kanye West, that she decided to say yes to a guy that was THIRTEEN YEARS HER JUNIOR out of overwhelming desperation to get some dick to give her dry vagina some of that milky moisture. That guy, was none other than Pete Davidson, who failed to satisfy several more whores after Ariana decided to try again luring some chocolate flavor dick to her hyperactive poonani. During an episode of Saturday Night Live which Kim Kardashian hosted on October 10, 2021, Davidson and Kardashian shared a kiss while playing Aladdin and Jasmine in a sketch. As usual, it was painfully unfunny and made us want to by a crap ton of memory bleach. As if that wasn't enough, Jasmine is only 15 according to the creator of Aladdin, and SNL thought it was brilliant to have a 40+ year old woman with a fatter ass than yo mama to portray her.