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Sword Art Online

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This article is boring. You can help by placing relevant pretty pictures and adding more lulz/drama.
This page contains spoilers — important plot secrets and/or conclusions may be revealed. For example,
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HEARTCLIFF IS ACTUALLY THE CREATOR, LEAFA IS ACTUALLY KIRITO'S SISTER WHO IS NOT ACTUALLY A SISTER BUT A COUSIN AND YUI IS AN AI WHO GETS DELETED BUT IS REVIVED LATER ON!!!!!!!!!!1
Kirito is a completely original character, most definitely not inspired by anything ever done by anyone else before.

Sword Art Online, also known as sword fart online, my little teenage power fantasy, sordo artu onrain or shit wank online, is a "light novel" written by a chink known as Reki Kawahara, which later got adapted into an anime.

In The Beginning

When Reki was a 13 year old boy he was often bullied in school for being an autistic retard, and thus he spent a good deal of time alone in his room. Since internets didn't exist at the time, he was forced to do boring things like read books, collect stamps or capture pokémon.

One day, having nothing better to do, Reki decided he would put time and effort into writing a deviantART-tier novel.

In 2012, he conjured the abomination up from the deep grimy pits of his mom's basement and begged several producers to adapt his work into an anime, after sucking several cocks for the CEOs of a Japanese company named abec, he finally got his way.

Plot

The story follows an emo nerd named Kirito, who lives in Japan in the year 2022, there is a massive hype about a Virtual-Reality MMORPG called Sword Art Online being released on the NerveGear; a virtual-reality console that puts the user in a hyper realistic 3D environment.

On release date, Kirito is playing the game, after 4 hours of gameplay he realizes the game is absolute shit and that he just wasted good money that he could instead have used to buy the also-newly-released Half Life 3 on steam, but as he is about to log off and put the game on the shelf forever, he sees that there is no option to log off.

That is when the Game creator summons every player to the world spawn to bring out the news that they can't log off unless they beat every boss in the game, and if you die in game you don't respawn, you die IRL.

After at least 100 episodes (of which only 3 have actual plot progression), Kirito predictably defeats the final boss and wakes up from his gaming comatose, the first thing he does is to try and locate his internet gf. He succeeds in doing so, but she hasn't waked up from her comatose because an evil Japanese businessman is keeping her trapped in his virtual sex dungeon and plans to fuck her IRL, Kirito again sets out on a journey to prove his manhood.

It actually is as boring as it seems.

Typical Episode Synopsis

  • Kirito is wandering around an area that isn't where the previous episode takes place. All of the exciting shit has happened offscreen right before the episode begins.
  • Kirito (and possible allies) meets character of the day about 2 minutes in.
  • Character of the day has a problem.
  • Character of the day spends literally 5 minutes explaining what the problem is.
  • Kirito attempts to solve that problem, but we don't get any scenery change until about 10 minutes in.
  • Something from the game escalates the problem after a 5 minutes of jacking off.
  • There is a fight.
  • The fight ends in 2 minutes when Kirito pulls some special move out of his asshole and saves the day
  • Character of the day either dies right in front of Kirito (cue the sad music and 2 hours of crying) or thanks Kirito for being more powerful than your average WoW basement dweller. The rest of the episode is devoted to this.
  • Kirito is revealed to have gotten just a little bit closer to completing the game.

The only notable exceptions to this rule are when Kirito spends about half of the episode making a grown man pretending to be a fairy piss himself crying, and when Kirito and his bitch go on honeymoon and have sex by a lake. Prove me wrong, faggots.

Characters

  • Yui: A computer program that starts to feel human emotions thanks to the power of love from Kirito and Asuna. Sees Kirito as her daddy, which makes her literally the only female in the series to not want Kirito's dick... yet.
  • Klein: Typical highschool fuckup who goes to v, he only gets around 10 minutes of screentime for the duration of the series so he plays absolutely no role whatsoever and is there only for comic relief.
  • Kayaba: Creator of SOA (the game, not this anime shit). Causes a lot of people to die for the sake of his power phantasy. An heroes so that he can become a program and live amongst the internet porn. His name sounds suspiciously similar to a completely different game entrepreneur from a different series.
  • At least 500 other characters that appear once or twice.

See Also

Sword Art Online is part of a series on

Anime

Visit the Anime Portal for complete coverage.

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