Camera

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A camera is the single most destructive, dehumanizing piece of technology ever invented in the history of life on Earth, and the only reason that anyone without a Unixbeard gives a fuck about the Internet. Cameras do in fact steal your soul, as every pornstar's eyes can attest to. The amount of bullshit and degeneracy that cameras allow to infect the world is unprecedented, and the Internet would be nothing email telnet USENET FTP IRC Gopher copypasta books with no pictures deviantART without them. Cameras are the major reason anyone needs eye bleach, and the only reason dying children any children adults want to dress up as Batman, but that's just cosplay and you're no fun.

There are two main types of cameras: cameras that can take still or moving pictures of people being decapitated. Some argue that cameras are what make the Internet great due to porn, but as anyone who has spent 5 minutes on the Internet knows, the amount of shit on the Internet due to cameras far outweighs the good, which is why search engines exist and why content has to be "curated." Someone who "wants to be in pictures" or "wants to be on camera" is an ancient meme, older than shit, even older than the old meme of "23 skidoo." Attention whores and creeps depend on cameras to exist, completely supplanting sunglasses and binoculars. Cameras are the leading cause of camwhores, Internet Disease, attention whores, Unwarranted Self-Importance, propaganda, capeshit, video advertising, pretentious art/film school douchebags, Lemon Party, and Goatse.

	“	Cameras were a mistake.	„
	—Charles and Vincent Chevalier

Even more deadly than explosives, a camera is the main weapon in every terrorist's toolkit, and they don't even need to own one. Cameras make terrorism and Uwe Boll movies possible, Allahu Akbar. The main reason anyone kills anyone nowadays (whether real or simulated) is for the camera, and the notoriety they are guaranteed the camera will bring them, even if they didn't participate in the Saved By the Bell reunion. Another term for camera is "the fourth wall", since nobody reads books or watches plays anymore except fag snobs who hate cameras because they're ugly.

	“	in this singular event, in this disaster movie of Manhattan, the two elements that fascinate 20th century masses are joined: the white magic of movies and the black magic of terrorism.	„
	—some French guy explaining 9/11

There is no other piece of technology nothing that people are more willing to sacrifice their lives for than a camera. Whether it's elephants being electrocuted; tourists wanting to take a selfie on a waterfall; people falling into the Grand Canyon; presidents driving in motorcades; marchers in Selma, Alabama; stuntmen; reality TV film crews on a helicopter; reality TV contestants; news crews on a helicopter; journalists in warzones; Neda Agha-Soltan; documentarians on train tracks; pedestrians in crosswalks; Budd Dwyer; school shooters on security cam; extreme sports participants; thrillseekers wearing a GoPro; pilots at airshows; aerialists in Cirque du Soleil; victims of cop-killers; hostages decapitated by brown-skinned cartels; Microsoft Flight Simulator enthusiasts; or 12-year-old terrorists hamming it up with poor schmucks for the camera, a camera ensures that death means something as opposed to nothing. Because, I mean, it was recorded by a camera and that's something right? We got the shot, and in 100,000 years, it'll still be something right? If you answered yes, it's because a camera has destroyed your whole sense of perspective and replaced it with make believe because you're a Trekfag who believes living in space will be like Jews walking around a soundstage. On the other hand, to tell someone you weren't filming will send them into a sobbing murderous rage.

Some argue more people are willing to sacrifice their lives for cigarettes than a camera, but more people use cameras than cigarettes, and cameras are much more addictive. Some people have actually quit smoking, but nobody has ever quit using a camera once they start. Some argue more people are willing to sacrifice their lives for motor vehicles than cameras, but even people who can't drive use cameras. Cameras are also the leading cause of the manufacture and purchase of "selfie sticks", the greatest faggotry ever produced by mankind, which could only be gayer if they had a big black dildo as a handle and it was sticking out of your ass.

The number of cameras only increases every year, enough to even make other cameras go extinct, and efforts to stop this cancerous plague are useless. Cameras multiply like tribbles getting wet. Resistance is futile. There is no escape. Except suicide -- which the Internet prefers you do on camera. But if you're bothered by drowning in a sea of cameras, you must be ugly or have something to hide. Shouldn't you be grateful that you're famous? Being surrounded by cameras everywhere you go is the best part about being famous. If you don't love cameras or selfies with every fiber of your being, you're just not human. Cameras are so ubiquitous that Narcissistic Personality Disorder stopped being a thing. Cameras have the power to redefine mental illness. I, for one, welcome our new camera overlords. But first, let me take a selfie.

Gallery

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  The first contact.
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  The next logical step.
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  The infamous selfie stick also known as the "douche pole".
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  The next logical step.

See also

• Webcam

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