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MyFreeImplants
The brainchild of two San Jose State grads, MyFreeImplants.com takes philanthropy to a new level...giving the hope of chests to those born chestless. The site is based on traditional social networking methods with the lofty claim that they provide an altruistic service for fugly chicks who can't otherwise find a sugar daddy or get the loot for a boob job through traditional tried and true methods (hooking, stripping or p3rning).
'Models' join the site with the goal of raising money to fund a boob job through online donations from horny old men (the "Benefactors") who think that if they own the boobs, they own the girl (and her vagoo).
Difference Makers
—MyFreeImpants | ||
—MyFreeImplants | ||
—Adam Carolla, The Adam Carolla Radio Show | ||
Boob Jobs
Boob jobs (pka breast augmentation or breast implants) are what you get when you're about as well endowed breastically as a five year old school boy or adult Azn, you're a male faggot wanting to be a girl-beast, or you're already endowed enough, but want to look like you've got "halogen headlamps".
Breast implants are science's way of righting the wrongs of an uncaring, misogynistic God who failed to include such essentials as self-confidence, high self-esteem and a positive body image lacking in the modern female's basic 'tool kit' for survival. In the good old days, breasts were strictly 'function over form' but when baby formula was invented in the early 20th century, the breast became a redundant gland -a useless appendage.
However, it didn't take long for women to discover that those with the bigger unemployed milk bags were able to manipulate the men around her to her advantage. Post-WW2 Japanese hookers were the first to attempt to level the playing field by injecting shit into their concave chests to lure horny GIs into their octopus-filled vaginas, since fucking boys hadn't really taken off with American males like it did in the 60s.
Now vital to the liberated, modern working women of the world as they find themselves in the position to compete in a formerly male dominated world, breast implants are probably man's greatest gift to all of womankind. And as with most things in America, the bigger the better; go to any strip club and you can see this theory in action. Bigger tits = bigger tips. Another undeniable 'law' in the field of Boobology, is Captain Benjamin Willard's Law which states that the bigger the tits, the easier it is to overlook a woman's faults, be they mental issues, or fugliness.
Who Wants them? Who needs them!
There are as many reasons for women (or ladyboys) to "rack 'em up!" as there are choices of implant (materials, size, shape, number etc) and technical surgery choices (under the nipple, through the armpit, black magic etc) once the decision has been made. They range from your mother of two whose once proud Bristols have been reduced to the kind of leathery flaps usually associated with Massai tribeswomen to your breast cancer survivor whose once proud 'twins' are now a lonely sweater orphan thanks to the mastectomy, to your tragically flat-chested stripper who nobody wants a lapdance from and goes home at night with a fistful of 'pity dollars' from pole dancing to Portishead, ashamed to face her unemployed drummer boyfriend with her night's take. Then you have your women trapped in men's bodies and recent divorcees who feel that unless they reinvent themselves and "get back on the horse", they're destined to die alone.
Apart from transsexuals, many men want boob jobs too. Not for themselves per se, (although the thought of getting your own set to play with 24/7 does have a certain appeal to it) but because they want their lady to feel special for their own, selfish enjoyment.
If done properly, some implants can look rather pleasing, but the majority look like two jellies stuck on a bitch-stick. They're either placed too high, too far apart, or are just too fucking mangled to be anything other than FAIL. The main problem is, that most chicks fail to realize that getting anything less than a D cup will result in a gaping chasm where a third tit could go. Besides, every single chick in the history of boob jobs end up aiming low (say, a C-cup) and immediately wish they'd gone bigger. Just get a fucking D-cup already! It doesn't matter if you're only 5'2" and weigh 100lbs, tits on a stick is fine too.
Celebrity Boobage
Examples of celebrity twats with baps include but are not limited to:
- Victoria Beckham
- Lindsay Lohan
- Lindsay Lohan II
- Appollonia
- Nicollette Sheridan
- Susan Ward
- Tori Spelling
- Kate Beckinsale
- Jordan
- Ivanka Trump
- Courtney Love
As you can see, they look like a bunch of fucking freaks, with misshapen pairs of socks shoved down their shirts. It's like the male equivalent of shoving bunched up football socks down the crotch of your jeans. It's fucking retarded, looks glaringly fake and is about as sexy as a syphilitic elephant with added AIDS.
It would be nice to say that the lady-fags are responsible for some of the worst tit-plants EVAR, but they're not. They ARE responsible for many --but sadly it is the fairer sex mostly ruining themselves with such absurd plastic surgery. Without further ado, we present you with a gallery of horrors...
The Gallery Of Horrors
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Jesus, why bother?! -
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How thinly spread do you think the insides of her natural titties are, around those grotesque silicon filled beachballs? -
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Seeing a topless ladyboy isn't all that different from seeing a man who's taken his shirt off. -
That woman doesn't shave her balls! -
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When boob jorbs go rong. Anything under a D-Cup is usually instaFAIL. Meanwhile, tits on men = DO NOT WANT! -
typical breast implants.
TITS OR GTFO!
Perhaps you've HAD a boob-job, or you're thinking of having one? If you have and they're fucking awful, we want to know. Of course we'll mock you into oblivion, you stupid cunt! If you're into ritual humiliation and degradation, then this is the place to stick your babies's dinners. If you've had tit surgery, you're a fucking whore plain and simple. Yes you are, especially if you've had to have them because you got cancer. Everyone knows that you only get cancer from sucking too much cock and taking it up the arse from niggers.
See Also
External Links
- Stephen Colbert weighs in.
- MyFreeImplants.com A place for broke, skanky trailer trash and gold diggers to get boob jorb money from pervs.
MyFreeImplants YouTube Channel.deleted
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MyFreeImplants is part of a series on Visit the Sex Portal for complete coverage. |
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| Featured article September 26, 2009 | ||
| Preceded by Camille Marino |
MyFreeImplants | Succeeded by xkcd |