Stardew Valley

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Stardew Valley is a boring as shit farming simulator created last thursday by some faggot named ConcernedApe (Powerword: Eric Barone). The game starts when your grandpa dies, probably of shame from having you as a grandson. In revenge, he wills you his shitty ass farm in the middle of buttfuck nowhere so you're tasked with the job of fixing it up. The game then goes completely off the rails by assuming its target demographic could try to date one of the 12 available characters that live in Pelican Town without predictable results. You can date and marry any character regardless of gender.

The game itself, looks like shit.

The Game

Gameplay consists of wandering around trying to clear-cut as much of the forest as possible to make room for your farm. Because a day in this game is only 15 minutes, you'll race to do this until you pass out. When you're not both enjoying and destroying the outdoors, you can go to town to find the villagers you can date, though the game adds realism by not letting you date most of them. The game lets you date villagers regardless of sex, but the same female characters you can date playing as a woman can still be dated playing as a man and vice versa. This proves the developer thinks being gay is a choice.

After at least 100 years, you might have a decent fake farm and wife if you avoided picking the Beach Farm map.

Characters

Dateable

Elliott - Not to be confused with the Supreme Gentleman, Elliott has long ginger hair and lives in a cabin by the beach playing piano and writing shitty novels, he'll even dedicate one of his novels to you if you make the mistake of romancing him. He also will rape you during his 10 heart event and tries to woo you with a bunch of fake deep quotes about love like he's a ripoff Jaden Smith.

Shane - Anti-social retard who lives with his aunt Marnie. When he's not butt raping chickens, he is often seen working at the JojaMart in Pelican Town. When you try to talk to him he scolds you and tells you to leave him alone, leaving some players to believe he's autistic. People often try to date him because they think they can fix him or they want the blue chickens he gives out when you become close enough friends with him.

Sebastian - Emo loner faggot who lives in his mom's basement like most Stardew Valley players. He spends lots of time playing vidya games on his computer and cutting himself offscreen because even his family hates him. When he does go outside, he's usually seen smoking by the mountain lake. People often marry him out of pity because no one loves him and he would kill himself otherwise.

Sam - Sam is the only reason Sebastian hasn't killed himself yet. Out of all the other male dateables, Sam is the least insufferable. He spends most of his time playing guitar with Sebastian or playing vidya games on a Gameboy lookalike. He also plays pool at the saloon with Sebastian and is overall a pretty cool guy.

Harvey - The town doctor in Pelican Town. He spends most of his time at the clinic doing nothing but waiting for you to pass out on your farm or in the mine so he can charge you out the ass for passing out nowhere close to his clinic. If you get to know him he might actually be more autistic than Shane but without the chicken rape. According to his 8 heart event, Stardew Valley is in Russia.

Alex - Originally named Josh, Alex spends his time thinking he can go pro in football (which is named Gridball in Stardew Valley) or lifting weights. His ego is bigger than the black hole at the center of our galaxy, but that's just to mask that he's a sad drunk who has sports in place of a personality. Right after marriage, he'll walk out on you to go to the saloon so he can watch Gridball all day and spend YOUR MONEY on beer.

Emily - Blue haired feminazi that works part-time at the saloon. She likes making shitty clothes with her sister Haley with the sewing machine in her house. She has a pet parrot and after marriage she will set up a crystal garden on your farm to meditate in which goes to show how batshit crazy she is. She will often talk about horoscopes and other spirituality bullshit to make up for the fact she is a crazy bitch with no personality whatsoever.

Abigail - Like Sebastian, but female. Abigail lives in the General Store with her parents. She is the archetypal purple haired tumblr feminist who is often seen at the town graveyard by herself or being total shit at the flute she plays. During her two heart event, she will either comment on you much you jack off if you're playing as a male or call you a Whore if you're playing as a female. She's friends with Sam and Sebastian who are probably using her for a quick fuck. ConcernedApe likely only added her so losers can live out their virtual fantasy of having a goth girlfriend.

Haley - Emily's sister. She and Emily live at their parents house who have been traveling the world for the past 2 years, probably to get away from the disappointment that is their daughters. Haley is a spoiled rich kid who peaked in high school and is a self centered whore with an ego larger than the fucking sun because of it. If you tell her the truth, She gets triggered and calls you a stupid jerk because she can't handle anyone criticizing her.

Maru - the autistic nigger half-sister of Sebastian. Maru sometimes works at Harvey's clinic so she can help him steal your hard-earned money. She is obsessed with building machines and in her spare time works with her dad in their laboratory, probably cooking meth or inventing new flavors of Kool-Aid. During a cutscene, Her dad calls her his "special little girl" which implies Maru is autistic.

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