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Alexander Jahans
Intro
Alexander Gordon Jahans is a left wing, autistic person who is against the alt-right and hates racism. He is the mastermind behind Green Nothing Productions and online fan-fiction which is nothing like an autistic version of Dr Who. He came to prominence when a video entitled "Why Donald Trump is So Terrifying" was posted on 4chan's /pol/ board. Since then retard polacks and Brit/pol/ have had an odd fascination with him. Jahans Generals are posted daily on /pol/ after every new video is released, the goal of which is unclear. Some just wish to observe the animal in his natural environment, while others try to enrage the beast with the goal being to red pill him, make him become an hero or simply obtain lulz. So far there has been limited success with Jahans transformation into a God, with him claiming that "he will never ever become alt-right" but this is likely him trying to fight the red pill suppository. Either which way hearty bantz are had.
Body progression over time
At first Jahans had the voice of an 8 year old boy and the body of a fat Welsh slag, with his tits being quite prominent. He attributes his condition to his "fucked up genetics". After a few interactions with /pol/ they recommended that he get tested for low testosterone levels. The madman actually did it and now his body seems to be morphing, his voice is deeper and his arms are a little less flabby. What is also of note is that he's now a lot more aggressive with his viewership, wishing that they come to harm (not that he'd ever be able to provide it). Funny how when you take testosterone you start getting more manly and red pilled.
Jahans has expressed a desire to live a healthier lifestyle; this has lead to him buying a set of 5lb weights and lifting them over his head with no set schedule or routine using very bad and inconsistent form. He has gotten irked when viewers implied that he is not physically active, and responded by saying he often goes on walks. He has gone as showing off a children's exercise bike beneath his desk that he says he uses whenever he plays Skyrim (which is very often).
Political views
Jahan's claims that he's an outcast from every group despite being your average "deep" teenager and mildy SJW. He is pro-immigration and ready to "accept communism with all his heart". In reality, he's a lazy fuck that wants the state to fully provide for him and is just another example of how England has failed. He has stated repeatedly that the United States should "get rid of the guns" and that the gun problem is so bad in America that dogs regularly shoot people. This is a great example of how generally uniformed he is, but that does not stop him from forming very strong opinions. After several Dallas police officers were shot, he sympathized with the shooter because black people were "dying in the streets" at the hands of police, and that something needed to be done. Some may argue this flies in the face of his stated pacifism, but the left wing media hates the police, and therefore so does Jahans.
Esoteric Jahanism and the Alt-Right
Jahan's first came into contact with the far-right through Brit/pol/. He first become famous for a video entitled "Why UKIP is racist"; further antics involved Gordon demanding that UKIP voters 'have a good wank' on him after flashing his 'grotesque body horror tits'. Jahan's would later provoke the alt-right further in a video entitled 'Why Donald Trump is so terrifying'. Jahan's proved incapable of handling the savage banter dolled out by his new found followers and began moderating his comments, regardless, the alt-right continued to hound him, one of the most notable cases involved generous alt-right activists delivering free pizza to Jahan's home as an offer of peace. Jahan's would later comment 'I kind of just want pain on the alt-right now. Just pain. horrible horrible pain' in regards to the incident. His flappy mantits grew three sizes that day.
Esoteric Jahanism refers to the teachings of Jahans that cannot be learned by simply listening to everything he says as-is at face value. Those who follow the practice call themselves Esoteric Jahanists, who are almost exclusively politically far-right. As the name implies, following the true nature of Jahan's teachings can be difficult, especially to those who have not been exposed to Jahans in the past. Members of the Esoteric Jahanism community eagerly await each new video release by the Farsh-Nuke and follow his every social media update (of which there are many). Jahans himself is aware of the community, and seems to have mixed feelings about it; on one hand, he is flattered, but on the other, he seems to believe this is just another way for people to bully him, likely feeding further into his constant victim-mentality. The highest tenants of Esoteric Jahanism are nearly impossible to grasp, and require intense meditation and dedication.
Personal life
Jahans lives on benefits in a shitty, small, flat with his mother. He used to live with both of his parents before he was royally BTFO'd by his dad for being a human sack of shit, after which his dad promptly abandoned ship. Briefly touched apon in this video, Jahans explains that his dad had threatened to off himself if he didn't quit acting like such a bitch. Frankly, its a massive shock that the whole Jahans family haven't killed themselves yet ruining a once great nation. Of course to no ones surprise, Jahans doesn't think that maybe he should look to himself to see why he's driving his parent to such madness but instead twists the situation into one in which it's his father attempt to get him to be normal. His justification for all this being a quote from Dr Who, because what else could it be.
Jahans once had a boyfriend but that ended as apparently kids don't want to date a fat, miserable, bisexual and autistic man-baby. Nobody is really sure how Jahans has managed to survive on his diet of crisps and orange juice but he could probably be able to live off of the fat stored in his body for a year if he were to ever stop eating. He also has a qt sister who is proper wife material. One popular feel is "never getting to fuck Jahans' sister and then ask how he is afterwards". His sister is widely speculated to have stolen all the good genes available, leaving him with what you see before you.
Rumors
As with any celebrity or e-celebrity, rumors about Jahans are rampant. One of the most common theories is the many bottles seen around Gordon's unkempt room are piss bottles. Jahans has tried to dispel these rumors by showing one of the bottles full of purple liquid, but this has only lead to further questions about his health, and if that is in fact the color of his urine. Another commonly thrown around accusation is that Jahans has had inappropriate physical contact with his cats. So far absolutely no proof has been shown for this, but it is obvious from photos of him holding the cats that they have seen some shit.
Lending some (frightening) legitimacy to the cat story is an August 2008 post on DeviantArt by someone using the name farsh-nuke. The poster claims to have brought their hamster to climax. He claims to "gain no pleasure" from the act but that his hamster "really loves him now". He acknowledges it might sound a little gross, but encourages another poster to try it, and that if he does he may see its not so gross after all, and is just making the hamster happy. To date, this is one of the most fucked up things Jahans may or may not have done, and has left some in the Esoteric Jahanism community wondering if he is the prophet he once seemed.
The Infamous Bog Roll
Jahans is frequently seen with a roll of toilet papers behind him in the videos, sometimes pre-rolled out on his bed in what he referred to as a "landing strip" for when he fancies a wank. Wads of used toilet paper can be seen carelessly thrown about his room. The bog roll has become such a point of interest from the fans/hate base that if it is NOT seen in the video, questions arise. This led to Jahans giving us all a lesson on camera perspective, showing off that he has masterfully hidden the roll on his bed behind his large body.
Career Achievements
Career achievements can be found on his pornhub (for which he used the same name as he does for his blog and everything else) include:
- The Virgin
- The Porn Buff
- 1 year Old Account
