User:Cobaltcat/soccer

Football (known as Soccer to uneducated people who like to change the name of things because they obviously have nothing better to do) is a sport that consists of people chasing a ball for 4 hours only to end with a score of zero-zero. It was invented by public school children in the Land of Poofs to determine which team would get to fuck the others' sisters. Losers who showed particular valour on the field got a reach-around.

Is there crying in Football?

I didn't win the tournament, daddy.

Yes, there is.

The world cup only comes every four years, and even players with long careers may only play in two or three world cups. But that doesn't mean they should fucking cry about it every time they lose. For example, take Cristiano Ronaldo: a famous young player from Portugal. He gets more money than a Hassidic Jew in one Speed Stick commercial and more ass than a toilet seat, and yet he cries like a little bitch. The reason is because he keeps getting sick of being pwnd in the ass by his teammates, and thus plays well in the hope they will finally get him out of the club. Instead, the only club he gets is up his ass every Friday night.

Victoria Beckham and the entire Argentinian team also became infamous for crying during the 2006 World Cup. That's right. Beckham's wife had to do his crying for him. He had failed to bring home a few other young studs for a gay orgy and one Gentleman.

Zidane was crying on the inside when Materazzi called his sister a whore that got it in the ass last night from the whole Italian side. FIFA decided in favor of the Italian, since he who speaks the truth deserves no punishment.

A little spank on the ass by their coaches and teammates usually cheers the "players" right up, though nothing could ever take away from the massive ignominy of having cried in front of a billion people because you couldn't get your ball inside the goal.

As a playing strategy, professional soccer players routinely throw themselves on the ground in a spastic tantrum. The objective is to make a perceived foul committed by a player on the opposing team appear far more egregious than it actually is because they broke down and cried rather than taking it like a man. The performance is reminiscent of a 3 year old child in the supermarket whose request for candy is denied.

Epithets with Explanations

• Goalkeeper — one who is nonconsensually fellated. Or might have a dildo up his anus.
• Defender — A player who tries to prevent sodomisation of his team mates.
• Midfielder — Any player who is fucked in the mouth and ass simultaneously.
• Striker — someone who sneaks up and then fucks you in the ass.
• Bend (it like Beckham) — British slang, where "bent" means gay (because it's literally "not straight").
• Dutchie — it is a proven fact that the entirety of the Netherlands plays way too much soccer.
• French — the entire male population of France is soccer mad, which is why studs are imported from Algeria. Unfortunately, most Algerians are Muslim, a religion that bans consensual sex with women except in Paradise.
• German — it is a know fact that Germans are playing the most shittiest soccer of all, but still almost always win due to unknown reasons
• Vuvuzela — BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!
• Goal — possibly rhyming slang derived from the idiom smoke a pole, meaning "to fellate".
• Score — this refers to penetration of the anal sphincter.
• Foul — Any act of heterosexuality during a match.
• Yellow Card — Too many penises in the mouth.
• Red Card — Liking women.
• Pitch — The field of "play." Alternately, an anal DP.

Popular Football leagues

• Brazilian League
• Italian League
• Emo League UPDATE: No longer exists, killed themselves after realizing that they can only have have gay orgies in the lockers.
• French League
• b/tards League

Trolling the Footballfags

Have you ever been in the internetz and all of the sudden some British soccerfag appears? He's now speaking of OMG HOW COOL SOCCER IZZ OMGG!! Well here's the best way to make them epic butthurt, really trust ED; it works 100% all the time!

From here, you can obtain some smart quotes to make any soccer fan butthurt.

How to troll them? Easy. Pick any quote of your choice, copy it and paste it. In seconds you'll receive an epic butthurt. Follow the example:

	“	Twenty-one guys stand around and one guy does a tap dance with the ball.	„
	—Jim Murray

	“	There's no honor in soccer	„
	—Alex Lalas, soccer participant

	“	The human body has arms, hands, shoulders, and a brain - why can't you incorporate these into your sport (sic) of soccer?	„
	—John Leinaweaver

Previous Quote | Next Quote

All of these above and more can be located here

Practice

In order to master the game of soccer, one must practice. See the following for instruction:

In this video, as in all soccer contests, balls are touching.

This is how soccer should be played by all players.

Previous Video | Next Video

Lulz

Despite its inane faggotry, Soccer occasionally provides lulz. It's mainly when the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.

In football, the field is watered down with golden showers

Typical crazed soccer hooligan really trying his best.

Soccer players are sick fucks, that's why they like porn on the pitch.

A typical soccer player

Soccer players in the wild

More Soccer players in the wild

Previous Video | Next Video

Alright, well i should have bought this up earlier...does anyone have a screencap of his FB page before he put it on private? That will get him pissed if we can since he denied his name was Daniel Harris when he was directed to this article - Deckard200 08:31, 16 August 2013 (EDT)

Not on this PC it looks like, but I'll have a look on my other one tomorrow. If you happen to know the exact URL of his facebook account, you could try to wayback that shit. Atomicnumber27 16:46, 16 August 2013 (EDT)

I FOUND IT! I found it easily here. http://sdgamersbaseball.lockerdome.com/members/daniel-harris/bio i at one point had him on Skype for a brief while. This also gave me the evidence to prove his real name is Daniel Harris. As you can see the birth date on that bio is May 31 1985. Now when i had him on skype i remember seeing it was his 27th birthday on that date so i decided to say happy birthday to him (just to be nice...when i disliked his personality immensely) like a typical dicksucker...had this lying around the whole time so here it is. Don't care if he will know who is editing this article now, but i am happy that i have this to show. Deckard200 17:55, 16 August 2013 (EDT)

The evidence he is Daniel Harris.

Good fucking job. I'll still try to see if I happen to have a screenshot of his Facebook, when I finally get out of bed. Atomicnumber27 01:52, 17 August 2013 (EDT)

This is how he reacts to polite criticism

inb4 razorfist sees all this shit in the talkpage and then proceeding to bitch to his fans and his friends.--milwin 08:04, 17 August 2013 (EDT)

Teamplay

Looks like Daniel is very very butthurt

Atomicnumber27 16:46, 16 August 2013 (EDT)

Lol this is not how someone with a brain would act about this. Just why in gods name is he giving us more ammunition against him?! The people who endorse him are fucking children. Deckard200 17:06, 16 August 2013 (EDT)

How did you discover this sock anyway? Deckard200 17:23, 16 August 2013 (EDT)

Well, Daniel just couldn't keep the ED name out of his mouth, so no way we can keep it the same. And that is the difference between Daniel and others. Atomicnumber27 01:52, 17 August 2013 (EDT)

GOOAALL

Granted, I haven't been able to find the video, but I am in no doubt that it actually existed.
here it mentions Razorfist and Daniel Harris in the same vein
this is apparently the same thing

Only a shitty thumb image exists now, I think. Atomicnumber27 04:44, 17 August 2013 (EDT)

I am speechless...no better than the permavirgins he always makes fun of. Either hes trying to bait us, or this was him genuinely doing it for fun (which it is...but lets be honest, no one who is sane would upload it for everyone to see), either way we have to see this video since it would destroy his reputation. Deckard200 08:06, 17 August 2013 (EDT)

lol, someone needs to find the video ASAP.--milwin 08:11, 17 August 2013 (EDT)

It seems to have disappeared from the original place, called slutload.
This is the original file name: here Atomicnumber27 08:19, 17 August 2013 (EDT)

My god he can't possibly be this retarded can he?--milwin 08:22, 17 August 2013 (EDT)

I think he jerked off to what he believed was a ... the fuck ever gender/species she/he is interested in. And then they lulzied it by posting it online. Atomicnumber27 08:26, 17 August 2013 (EDT)

I tried calling that number, didn't get a response. Must be an old number or something. Deckard200 08:28, 17 August 2013 (EDT)

Are one of you fine gentlemen going to write this shit, or should I stop watching girls sucking penis for a living, and write it? Atomicnumber27 09:03, 17 August 2013 (EDT)

I will since i haven't edited a ED page for a while. And its done! Deckard200 09:19, 17 August 2013 (EDT)

Yeah sorry i didn't contribute all that much...feeling lazy today. But still what we got on him is great. If the dude wasn't such an overreactive and arrogant idiot this wouldn't have happened. Deckard200 12:01, 17 August 2013 (EDT)

Well, i found one of his drone's deny this crap. "IT doesn't matter, ED is evil and Razorfist is right blahblahblah", the comment in a nutshell. I bet if it was someone they hated they would be all over it. I know Asa's drones would heh. I say we should screencap comments like this, especially for more retarded shit. Deckard200 07:12, 19 August 2013 (EDT)

link to the video where the comment was found?--milwin 07:16, 19 August 2013 (EDT)

nvrmind it was in that video where he wants to diagnose ed.--milwin 07:18, 19 August 2013 (EDT)

The fact he brings up The Amazing Atheist is pretty funny too, since that guy is another pathetic idiot with a case of USI. Its like they pay these idiots to suck their dick. Deckard200 07:55, 19 August 2013 (EDT)

Lol, a friend of mine who bought up the video to Razor (not directly, just asked him for his dick size) said he had his comment removed! While The Amazing Atheist is a jackass at least he had the balls to come out with the sex shit he did. This coward is just too...well cowardly to admit it! Deckard200 11:13, 19 August 2013 (EDT)

Fans

I say its about time we start going after his fanboys. I noticed many of them accuse us of being assholes for trolling Daniel yet they themselves are assholes to other people (this goes for Danny too). A very obvious case of pot calling the kettle black yet no one seems to notice this...or they choose to since they are unintelligent. Deckard200 16:17, 17 August 2013 (EDT)

Ain't no disagreement from me Atomicnumber27 16:30, 17 August 2013 (EDT)

I will say though, during a skype call that involved Razorfist i was in he boasted about how awesome his fanbase was. This was with a bunch of aspies who were angry at me for trolling them and...TemplarGamer, a well known Razorfist/Asalieri fantard. I do have a recording of the skype call but honestly, its not something i like to look back on, i was being an ass in the call and not really a whole lot of useful information was in it. Deckard200 17:16, 17 August 2013 (EDT)

He has an editor name "Terran Gell" whom we have yet too see and is more than half the reason most people watch his videos. I'm sure if we find Terran we can also find more info on RazorFist. Also does anyone think we should make a page for TemplarGamer? He has his own rip-off of "Reviewing a Reviewer" and had disputes with Jfreedan. Another look at his twitter reveals that he has an obsession with Movie Bob. I think Templar has enough relevance for his own article. User:Arethemus 19:24, 17 August 2013 (EDT)

I agree, i can tell you from experience with TemplarGamer (his personality) is that he couldn't let go of when i decided to stop doing this cannibal trolling a year ago. During the call he sounded very angry and whiny before he left as he wanted me to continue doing the same trolling. Later on when i trolled Asalieri with a rather lame but funny trolling attempt, he was in this skype call with him i got invited to by one of Asa's haters and he still went on about it. I can tell from experience that people with aspergers then to act like that. But anyway, i say we try getting more dirt on Templar. And no i don't care if they know who this is anymore, i say bring it on. Deckard200 06:42, 18 August 2013 (EDT)

Now, from his steam account he used to be called CGCF Havoc_91 or Havoc_91. If we google Havoc_91 we get this Photobucket profile And just to prove that Havoc is the same as TemplarGamer we have this So it does seem that his name is Aaron Alejandro. I think there are pictures of him here
Atomicnumber27 06:59, 18 August 2013 (EDT)

Yeah thats Templar alright, damn he looks messy as hell with that neckbeard. Deckard200 07:15, 18 August 2013 (EDT)

If you write something, then I can put more stuff on it. I do my best writing bouncing off previous incarnations. Plus I know nothing about Aaron, where as you might have some experience with him, so you don't need to watch his shitty videos. And neither do I.
Atomicnumber27 07:50, 18 August 2013 (EDT)

Very little experience, but i can write some stuff...but not right now. Not really in the mood to think too much about it. Maybe later. Deckard200 07:57, 18 August 2013 (EDT)

How about we make the fanbase section attacking and mocking the fanbase and THEN we bring famous white knights later on in the section?--milwin 08:00, 18 August 2013 (EDT)

Like intro, other shit, dickpics, fanbase, white knights, gallery ?? Atomicnumber27 08:03, 18 August 2013 (EDT)

yeah, it should contain shit like that.--milwin 08:05, 18 August 2013 (EDT)

But should it be a new article? Atomicnumber27 08:08, 18 August 2013 (EDT)

hmmm, I don't think so, the article itself is short, but if the fanbase section is long beyond limits then we can make a new article about them and add this template:

Razorfist is an Epic Lolcow One page alone is not enough... ...his autistic fanbase now have their own page!!!

but like I said the article is short so I don't think it might happen.--milwin 08:13, 18 August 2013 (EDT)

Just make a new section, not worthy of a whole new article i don't think. But there are too many insane fantards of his to count.— Preceding unsigned comment added by deckard200 (talk • contribs)

I was looking at Daniel's Xbox profile and I noticed that several games that he reviewed are unfinished, like Resident Evil 6, Dead Island and Call of Duty: Black Ops. If you look at the Achievements for completing sections of the game and how many Daniel got, it's clear that he did not finish them. We could use this on the article; he bashes Zero Punctuation (as Yahtzee admits he almost never finishes his game for his reviews) yet he commits the same hypocrisy as ZP. Arethemus 12:20, 18 August 2013 (EDT)

I totally agree. The best pointer is the average score thingy. It would also be good if we could somehow prove that he did not play those games on PC. (Why would you both play a game on the PC and the consoles) when you are not a big budget reviewer? Now, I can't be bothered to go through any of his videos, so any of you fuckers need s to do this. Also, does he have an on-screen score or something? Atomicnumber27 12:33, 18 August 2013 (EDT)

I watched some of his videos, all what he does is bitch and whine, and no he doesn't have a score or shit like that.--milwin 12:46, 18 August 2013 (EDT)

What I was thinking was doing some form of wikitable, with his video thumbnail in one side, and the xbox score in the other, just so people could easily see it. Kinda like in the Skateboard article. We should also address his pathetic stab at ED, I don't know what else to write than "oh look Daniel is butthurt here is video".
Atomicnumber27 13:02, 18 August 2013 (EDT)

I dunno when im gonna contribute anything else to this article again, not really in the best mental state. But thats an interesting discovery. And yeah about his videos...quite frankly they are impossible for me to get through, they remind me of the average whiny gamer with USI. Too many assholes like that these days. The fact people follow what he says however is rather depressing. Deckard200 13:26, 18 August 2013 (EDT)

Maybe we should change his profile pic on the article (and his video game reviewer article as well) to the thumbnail of him jacking off. Because of the video he recently put out, a lot of his fans are checking out his ED page and this could be the perfect opportunity to troll his fan base. Daniel will obviously deny that the thumbnail is him, but it will cause a huge controversy with his fans and YouTube partners like Asalier(given the fact that asa's kids know Daniel). Arethemus, 18:20, 18 August 2013 (EDT)

I think we should do a rewrite on parts of the article at some point, make it more harsh and provoking to him and his fans. Just some parts of it feel a little too soft for a ED article. Deckard200 14:41, 19 August 2013 (EDT)

GAMES

here ya go, I think there might be more, but yeah this is proof he didn't complete resident evil 6 yet he bitched and whined about it like it's the worst game ever.--milwin 04:24, 19 August 2013 (EDT)

oh boy! more!!

--milwin 04:33, 19 August 2013 (EDT)

Soccer brutality

So, shall we do some articles on the circlejerk hes a part of? He has AlphaOmegaSin (Powerword: Bill Arensberg) on Facebook...think you know where this is going. — Preceding unsigned comment added by deckard200 (talk • contribs)

Well, I don't know how much we can say about AOS, because unlike Daniel Harris, he comes off as a regular guy, who isn't a complete douchebag. I don't think AOS will give two shits about an ED page, except maybe laugh at it. So yeah.

Atomicnumber27 00:45, 20 August 2013 (EDT)

True, AOS apparently blocks people though but he hasn't acted in a way that warrants our attention. Deckard200 05:28, 20 August 2013 (EDT)

watched some of his videos, I don't think he deserves an article on ED. he isn't exactly a pretentious little tool like razorfist.--milwin 05:33, 20 August 2013 (EDT)

He's harmless and not all that lulzy for a ED subject. Razor on the other hand is a lulcow that never stops giving! Deckard200 12:46, 20 August 2013 (EDT)

Famous soccer players

I got his avatar, where do I put it in the article?
also there should be a video section and a gallery section in the article, I'm surprised this article lacks it.--milwin 05:40, 20 August 2013 (EDT)

Then get cracking, you lazy sod. We need to piss his entire fanbase off. Atomicnumber27 05:47, 20 August 2013 (EDT)

should I move the XVidYAx section down the end of the article like every video section of an article?--milwin 05:51, 20 August 2013 (EDT)

GAHAHAHAAHAH, Oh my god, I was laughing my ass off when I saw this fanart :D--milwin 06:17, 20 August 2013 (EDT)

I thought I was shit at Photoshop. Anyway, should I find more evidence of his name, or do we have sufficient? Atomicnumber27 06:21, 20 August 2013 (EDT)

anything can help, currently I'm trying to build a gallery.--milwin 06:22, 20 August 2013 (EDT)

Well borrow a lot of his shitty DA art as well, then. Atomicnumber27 06:24, 20 August 2013 (EDT)

I think we have enough evidence of his name. Also who made that pic? I remember an old friend of mine (who was a Razorfag fantard) who did a video with a similar picture of Razorfag. His name is SeriousHedgehogCo, he's a teen with a really dumb brain and he annoyed the living daylights out of me (constant IMs about random games i had no interest in...yeah thats what he pretty much did). I removed him since i got tired of his shit and his ilk. Deckard200 06:38, 20 August 2013 (EDT)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bgruaR1NWP0 Here it is, too lazy to embed it. Deckard200 08:11, 20 August 2013 (EDT)

George Best

Considering the latest chink picture, I just put into the article who is verifiable one of Daniel's friends, could this picture indeed be of Mr. Harris? here It mentions him as Daniel, right around the same time as Daniel wrote on her DA. It should be noted it is 10 years old. Atomicnumber27 07:02, 20 August 2013 (EDT)

Ain't gonna jump to conclusions here, but i think we need to do some more research on this. I mean, he looks too old for someone around 20. I actually just had a look on her comments, Daniel (our one) left a comment on his captainspandex account...even saying his name is Daniel. Deckard200 07:07, 20 August 2013 (EDT)

--milwin 07:10, 20 August 2013 (EDT)

Yeah, that is what got my attention, but I think there is another Daniel. This guy. Atomicnumber27 07:14, 20 August 2013 (EDT)

wait wait wait, is that OUR daniel?--milwin 07:16, 20 August 2013 (EDT)

Probably not. Different birthdays. Atomicnumber27 07:17, 20 August 2013 (EDT)

Then what, she slept with two daniels?--milwin 07:26, 20 August 2013 (EDT)

Well, she does look like a whore. So probably. Atomicnumber27 07:28, 20 August 2013 (EDT)

I didn't think it was him, usually metalheads develop during teenage years. And he doesn't look like one to me. Deckard200 08:10, 20 August 2013 (EDT)

I honestly think we should do more research before we say anything else about this. Its likely he was in love with her but until we get some concrete evidence we can't be sure.

There is no doubt, that they knew each other, on a personal level. So yes, it is mere speculation that they were romantically engaged, but I don't think it is too far of a stretch, to suggest that Daniel wanted a lesbian relationship with her. Atomicnumber27 09:11, 20 August 2013 (EDT)

Like what was written, if that was he case it would explain his hate for weeaboos. Normally with people if one person causes emotional pain they will hate anything associated with that person, including what fandom he was a part of. But still i suggest we look into it a bit more.

He's seeing this Canadian chick by the name of Nocturnalcurves, who also guest stared in a few of his livestream videos. A few months back she took a trip to Phoenix to meet with Daniel and posted the pictures on her tumbler. Looking into this might yield some lulz worthy material. Arethemus, 20 August 2013 (EDT)

Good going there, hahahaha oh i think things are gonna get good now with that information. I mean, think about it, Danny is insanely defensive about himself, so surely hes the same with this girl who will probably dump him in a few months or so. Deckard200 12:40, 20 August 2013 (EDT)

This is what I could find on her tumblr, which fucking sucks BTW. on tumblr on DA Atomicnumber27 13:20, 20 August 2013 (EDT)

hahaha, oh boy razorfists's love life is worth making fun of.
also more proof of the abusiveness that the poor dog recieved.
--milwin 13:25, 20 August 2013 (EDT)

And just to show that I am the docmaster´is her google plus profile Atomicnumber27 13:26, 20 August 2013 (EDT)

wait, how about we dox his girlfriend and then we threaten razorfist and we say that we will take her dox down if he posts his own dox?

kinda like sexlord except instead of nudes it's dox, and we know what will happen.--milwin 13:29, 20 August 2013 (EDT)

thats so evil...I LOVE IT! Also that pic shows how similar his bedroom is to that of a angsty teen lol! Deckard200 13:30, 20 August 2013 (EDT)

Already doxed. her facebook. Proof she loves to call herself "drake" And prove that she lives in alberta. Atomicnumber27 13:34, 20 August 2013 (EDT)

alright, all what we have to do is threaten razorfist with her dox.

honest question gentlemen:

nudes or dox?--milwin 13:35, 20 August 2013 (EDT)

Nudes -Uberfukken 13:36, 20 August 2013 (EDT)

What the fuck do you want the dox for? If we really cared, we could gather up a couple of shitpennies, and buy some on intellius or shit like that Atomicnumber27 13:39, 20 August 2013 (EDT)

so you're answer is nudes?--milwin 13:40, 20 August 2013 (EDT)

While i am not against the idea, i only think we should do it if we can think of something good. Also may be best to not plan this out on the discussion page. Deckard200 13:42, 20 August 2013 (EDT)

alrighty then, everyone come to the forum so we can discuss more there, if you don't have an account deckard then you can join in.--milwin 13:43, 20 August 2013 (EDT)

Doing that, btw i would suggest we remove these messages before his ilk see them. Deckard200 13:50, 20 August 2013 (EDT)

Link to the thread and then remove the recent crap we spoke about. Deckard200 13:51, 20 August 2013 (EDT)