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Romance of the Three Kingdoms
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Romance of the Three Kingdoms (abbreviated as ROTK, RO3K, ARR-OH-TEE-KAY, or shit) is a PC/Console game franchise failure based on an over 9000-year old novel about a bunch of Azns of some historical import conquering, pillaging, forging and breaking pacts, engaging in various devious political intrigues and committing many other acts of general chinkery. Many "historians" contend that the novel itself was supposed to illustrate Chinese cultural values that have existed from long long long ago, but we know this is a lie because the novel severely lacks any real azn values, such as the inexistence of Engrish style-writing and angry azn parents griping about how their childrens' GPAs aren't higher than 4.0.
This franchise also gave birth to the Dynasty Warriors games and that whole genre of pseudo-army "strategy action." In other words, they tried to sucker out a bunch of videogamers into buying a game that would make them look smart and oh so intellectual because they learn about Chinky history via a GODDAMN VIDEO GAME.
The Plot
The story centers around the sword-fights that took place during the Three Kingdoms Period. In Chink history, it's like the Azn /b/-day, which happened around 2nd and 3rd century after Jesus' Time (whom they didn't know about; Ancient Azns had some dumb gook (Year N of Emperor Chinky McGee) calendar).
Anyhoo, the lulz started when Emperor Sulu, fighting a rebellion by the kung-fu master from Kill Bill, got his sister's old man to get together some pipe-hittin' niggers to take care of these faeries. This felicitous band of faggots are the merry trio of Brothers (ie gay): Liu Bei, the incestuous lover of Emporer Chinky (who Dong Zhuo replaced Sulu with), Guan Yu, and the bulldyke Zhang Fei.
So anyways, these zany guys and their Boytaur army go and whoop up on the rebellion. And then Emporer Chinky's brother-in-law, who got the gay army to kill jet-li, get's murdered by the Emperor's own gay army of eunuchs, after which time the original gay trio rebels and starts fuckin' shit up like it's Somalia.
None of this really figures into the gameplay. The premise is pretty much that you woke up screamin' FUCK THE WORLD and are gonna slay a bunch of niggahs and take over ancient chinkland for great justice.
Gameplay
You get to pretend to be like a political genius and kill little angry looking azn guys by sending hordes of your own little angry looking azn guys, or you can mindfuck your enemies and make them do your bidding. Either way, like any other vidja gaem, you'll be wasting your time, but at least you'll look smart while you do it, rite?
Honestly, I've seriously invested hundred of hours in this game and I could never figure out what the fuck was going on. I guess like you're moving your army around and trying to take shit over. You can bribe/give gifts or threaten people and do other kinds of pseudo-diplomatic bullshit. It doesn't make a lick of difference. After you play this game for like 30 minutes, there are already like 278 different characters, each with like 10 screens of backstory. Ignore this shit, just know that GET THE CRAZY MATHEMAGICIAN CHINK! He's the best fuckin' general around. Generally speaking, if their portrait looks like a pussy, they probably are. Except if they have a goatee and funny hat, then they're definately win.
Door Battle
A new gameplay element was introduced in the Playstation installment, Wall of Fire: The innovative door battle mode. In this exciting new mode, you have the opportunity to pick a fight against the undefeatable, indestructable door of a fortress. After a 10 years game-time, the door begins to fight back, proving that this new addition is not without challenge.
Controversy
This game is Fucking Stupid and doesn't Make Any Sense
You actually have to read the damn novel to understand any of it. The basement dwellers that play this game can make plenty of time to read it since they've got so much time in their lonely pathetic lives.
But srsly, this game franchise does suck. Go play Starcraft instead. You'll find that requiring moar vespene gas and having to construct additional pylons will be a better source of entertainment
Nobody But fikky-fikky Me Ruv You Rong Time Ricers and their Egg Enablers Like This Game
Many people who play this game (if not all) often end up becoming interested in the Chink histoly. They then end up doing their own learning of the whol story, and once they do, they feel like they're historical geniuses and are completely immersed with Chinese culture. This also gives birth to their incredible and inexplainable high sense of egotism, where they then go and write fanfics about gay relationships with chink 1 and chink 2, all while throwing in some intellectuallness and historical accuracies. And everyone knows the best way to show off your intelligence is by writing fanfics on such a thought-provoking game.
Trivia
- George Takei is totally a fag
- There is no way to win this game. Just a bunch of hairy, overfed Chinese plunderers show up at your house and raep you.
- A more appropriate titled would have been Romance of the Three Dongs
- This game was first released on the MSX system. Which you only know about if you're some kind of fanboy faggot and actually wanted to play Metal Gear 2: Solid Snake to get the straight dope on snake's faggotry (He looks like Mel Gibson (sadly with no Mullet) in that game! But on a positive note, Gray Fox is -totally- Tom Berringer and Big Boss is Sean Connery with an eye-patch)
External Links
- The Unfunny Version of This (not that this page is that funny, either)
- George Takei is, in fact, quite fond of the fellahs.
- Three Kingdoms forum. Everyone has long ass gook nicks and talk about Chinese history. This place is just asking to be trolled the fuck out of.
- SimRTK. Some terminal loser who calls himself Xiahou Mao decided that the games aren't actually shitty enough, and need to be re-enacted by a bunch of whiny emo faggots. More astonishingly, this shitty site spawned a bunch of knockoffs. All these boards are rife with idiots, and trolling will be certain to yield rich lulz. If you can find an admin called Elysia over on SimRTK (not hard, as she is a fucking fat cow), be sure to cyber with her in IRC and post the chatlogs somewhere nice and public; Lollercaust will commence.
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Romance of the Three Kingdoms is part of a series on Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage. |
