Online Bingo

Online Bingo
is part of a mini-series concerning
Online Gambling.

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“I-69…I-69?” I say the word “BINGO” and you probably think of a dark, ancient, smoke-filled hall packed with ponderous, aging housewives, cigarettes and markers clasped in their claw-like hands and their purple hair swaying as they gossip amongst themselves, that can sometimes go horribly wrong. While this picture is still true all across America and the UK, there is a new kind of bingo, a friendlier kind of bingo, that, believe it or not, brings in close to a billion dollars a year in total revenue for online gaming companies. Gone are the spinning chrome baskets, and gone are the big red markers, because, Catholic jokes aside, today’s Online Bingo is a game for the 21st century.

Old school bingo played with real live balls.

Basic Rules

What person has never played bingo? This perfect game, a game so simple even first grade teachers use it to keep a class of spastic retards collective mouth shut on a rainy afternoon, has been played in some shape or form as long as the Pope (in fact, they think bingo was invented in Rome) has been wearing that kick ass hat. Why has this game been around for such a long time? Because of the sense of community it generates and also because of the simplicity of the game play. All you need to get started is a set of balls, a wicker basket, some cards with a grid of random numbers, a pack of Pall Mall 100’s, and either a church recreation room or an old school gymnasium.

Once you have all of those things together, number your balls and put them in your wicker basket. Next, have a caller pick out those balls at random and announce the number that is scrawled on them. The players will sit around and mark off the numbers if they happen to be on their cards. The first person to block out a string of numbers; up, down, side-to-side, or diagonally has a bingo and is instructed to stand up and shout the word “BINGO” at the top of their menthol filled lungs. That’s the game play, plain and simple.

Online bingo is similar to IRL bingo, but is even more simple. You don’t even have to be at your computer to play it…but if you are reading this, chances are you are a basement dwelling creature of the dark and will burn if you ever leave the calming glow of your home computer’s monitor.

The Game

Queen Elizabeth enjoys a good game of bingo, perhaps you have played her online and you don't even know!

Unlike other forms of online gambling, bingo is more about enjoying the company of your fellow players. Of course if one player keeps winning all the time, the enjoyment flies out the window because online bingo players, a jealous and craven lot, tend to only like status quo. When you first sign up for an online bingo game, there are two types that you can choose from: 90 ball bingo and 75 ball bingo. The main differences between the two games (aside from the obvious) is the increased odds and the layout of the bingo cards.

75 ball bingo: Uses a standard card that reads five numbers by five numbers. The object is just like normal bingo, you want to have a single line marked out on your bingo card. It doesn’t matter what direction the line is in.

90 ball bingo: This game uses a card that has three horizontal lines and nine columns. Each of those lines has five numbers each and they usually go in numerical order (ie: the first column is numbered from 1 to 10).

Auto-Daub

The auto-daub feature is where an online player can have the computer keep track of and “daub out” the numbers that are called out if they correspond to numbers on his or her cards. This is a great feature because it allows the player to do other things (like get incredibly wasted on the cheap high gravity beer that most bingo players seem to favor) than concentrate on the 300 bingo cards they have purchased.

Auto-daub also allows bingo players to partake of the other main aspect of online bingo besides an exciting gambling experience, and that is the commonly accepted practice of bitching about your shitty life on a multiplayer platform. Also known as: chat.

Bingo Chat

Most of the time when you come online and decide to chat with your buddies, you can expect to be trolled, harassed, asked for nudes, called a homo, and kick-banned for any of several reasons, but usually it is because you are a tool. Bingo chat is not like normal online chatting services in that it follows a very strict code of conduct called “chatiquette.” A bingo chat channel moderator will monitor the channel, congratulate winners and make sure that things go smoothly in the channel. What this means is if you disagree with the moderator of the bingo chat, your bingo chatting experience will be just like AOL, MSN, or IRC because you will be trolled, harassed, asked for nudes, called a homo, and finally kick-banned because you are a tool.

Bingo Software

You can also play bingo offline...with this guy.

Most online bingo runs on either a Java Applet or a Flash file embedded into a webpage. Most free forms of bingo online will ask a player for demographic information and then pattern advertisements on the page they are playing on. Players who wish to play for cash will be asked to log in, provide credit through an E-Wallet or PayPal account and then purchase their cards. At this time they will also automatically be logged into the bingo chat that is attached to whatever particular site they are on so that they can begin gossiping about their shitty new postman and how fat their son’s wife is.

Variations of the Game

Like most other online games of chance, people like to mix things up to make them more exciting. Also, gambling sites like to confuse and intimidate newer players to extract as much cash out of them as possible before they quit in disgust. Nevertheless, there are several variations on the old standard bingo that should be mentioned:

Odds and Evens—in this game, the bingo caller decides which numbers will be discarded, odd numbers or even numbers. As the game starts only odd numbers or even numbers will be called. If you choose to play this game, the cards you have will always have the exact opposite of the numbers being called.

Birthday Bingo—a game that uses pretty pictures instead of letters and numbers. Kind of like concentration mixed with bingo, only mostly children play this game.

Keno – this is a variation on a standard form of lottery games. Just like the television lottery you watch every night, gripping your ticket and hoping for a win, it is as complicated and as hard to win.

Bonus Bingo—this is a game attached to the bingo game you are already playing. You pay an extra fee and some specific thing must be met for you to win the game. Because criteria to win bonus bingo is so specific and strict, there are stories of bonus bingo games lasting for decades with no winners.

T-Bingo—a game where the object is to form a cross or a "T” on your bingo card. Since this game decreases your odds of winning, it will increase the jackpot that you probably won’t win.

Picture Frame—a game where you try to get all of the numbers that form the outside rows and columns of the bingo card. Good luck with this one, pal.

Double Column or Double Row—games where you try to daub out either two full rows or two full columns on your cards. A sucker’s game, only hardcore grannies and old codgers hooked up to oxygen tanks play this one.

Pattern Games—a pre-picked pattern, such as a flag, a seven, goatse, or a diamond will be chosen by the bingo caller. All players must attempt to fill in the pattern on their cards.

How to Win at Bingo

Her name must be Margaret.

Besides the obligatory “don’t play” answer, there are some practices you can adopt that will increase your chances of winning online bingo games:

Buy as many cards as you can and turn on auto-daub. Go out and get yourself lunch.

Play on Mondays when there aren't many old biddies playing.

Forget playing odd even games. They are stupid and will fuck up auto-daub necessitating your total attention to your cards.

Forget playing bonus bingo games as they are a drain on the wallet and will not allow you to use auto-daub.

Saturdays and Sundays are the days when most prizes are won. So they are probably good days to avoid as somebody will almost always win before you do.

Buy numbers. Some online bingo games will allow players to purchase numbers for the duration of a game or even the duration of the session. Because this is expensive, don’t go and purchase a bunch of numbers in a line. Also, you will be banned from bingo chat because most people will think you are a douchebag for doing this.

Hold cards over. Most online sites allow a person to keep their purchased bingo cards. While this will not affect the game statistically, it will increase your ability to find numbers on your card because you are familiar with them. Just don’t keep your cards in a folder where your roommates will see them because they will finally understand the depth of your nerddom.

Don’t play against anybody named Margaret.

How Online Bingo Works

Several online bingo companies will franchise out a site to any number of domain owners. What this means is when you go to an online bingo site, it is usually a front-end site that leads to the original company’s site where everybody else is playing. While this will increase the amount of jackpot winnings, it also vastly increases the number of people playing, so the odds of your winning go down.

Bingo companies such as the Catholic Church make money by taking a small percentage from the jackpot, by charging money for the use of the caller and by selling bingo cards. Since bingo is wildly popular, these transactions add up to a billion dollars a year in revenue and several billions in winnings.

Facts About Bingo

Britain's national pastime is bingo.

While IRL bingo is the number one source of community fund-raising (for such causes as The Salvation Army and The March of Dimes) in North America, online bingo companies don’t do shit.

Statistically, more online winners are named “Joe” or “Margaret” than any other name. If your name is “Brock,” “Chance,” or “Slate,” you might as well not play at all.

In the UK, bingo is more popular and generates more money than soccer.

The most popular activity for women aged 20-25 in the UK is bingo. One may infer that this has something to do with most British men being gay.

Following that trend, it seems that a lot of Brits like bingo and homosexuality. There are more than 2 million online bingo players from the UK alone.

Bingo is the only legally sanctioned form of gambling in the British military. So much for “don’t ask, don’t tell.”

If you are looking for online cybersex via chat, remember that almost 50% more women play online bingo than men, so your chances of getting trolled by some trap or 15 year old EDiot goes significantly lower if you choose to look for chicks on bingo sites. The downside is that you will probably be cybering with your grandmother.

Gallery

Often times, people feel the need to express their feelings about a subject in terms we can all understand: a bingo card, because everybody understands bingo cards...from the Mayor of California all the way down to a lowly dirt-farmer in Afghanistan. Here are some online examples of some very old office tricks.