JonBenet Ramsey

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There once was a prostatot named JonBenet, whose parents fail at naming. However, someone, possibly from /b/, decided to terminate her career ~~prematurely~~, causing much lulz, some internet drama, and resulting in some fucktard creating a 'Who killed Jon Bennett Ramsey page' which may have attracted up to 6 hits. This unfortunately didn't even make fail in terms of internet drama. At least they could have let her create and delete an LJ account first. Of course, massive amount of vids have been posted on YouTube by the emos.

JonBenet's Retirement

A TL;DR of the case

JonBenet Ramsey retired from being a prostatot in 1996 during X-Mas. She was found dead after a kidnapping note that looked exactly like Patsy Ramsey's handwriting was found next to a trashcan full of thrown away practice ransom notes on paper written on Ramsey family stationery inside the home. Her body was found in a windowless/doorless wine cellar after John Ramsey found her there searching rooms with entrances and exits for the police. The family was so distraught their little cash cow retired early that they popped Xanax like it was 1999 and called their friends to come over and clean their house. JonBenet's body was found to have a massive strike cracking the skull, a heart in pen on her palm, goo in her vagoo that according to autopsy doctors was getting tapped hard and rough regularly, marks on her neck from that kinky ass choking shit she was into, and stun gun marks all over her back that in no way were related to a video John had in his home called "How to create a mind slave using a stun gun".

Ramsey's fight false accusations

Conspiracy Dipshits will constantly point fingers at the family saying that they killed their daughter. These accusations are false and completely unfounded. It is completely normal to hire a lawyer and refuse to answer questions when your child is found dead. The blame game got so nasty that when the Ramsey family were taken to court a jury bullied the Ramsey's by finding them gulity of gross neglect, however luckily the D.A. assigned to the case stood up to those bullies and refused to sign the paper that would press the charges and dropped the case. Reasons why people keep saying the Ramsey's did it are:

Stun gun marks all over JonBenet's back and a videotape John had in his home called "How to create a mind slave using a stun gun" which was about using a stun gun to brain wash someone into being your mind slave
Pinapple in her stomach from the breakfast that was on the table that morning
A vagoo so loose and torn up judges might stop letting her win her little miss prostatot competitions and suspected to be the reasons for JonBenet's retirement
The ransom note being in mommy's handwriting, with a trash can full of practice ransom notes, asking for a ransom of $118,000 which was the exact ammount of Daddy's bonus
Daddy finding the body in a room he wasn't asked to search and contaminating the body full of DNA

Rest assured, these are just coincidences. The real killer is out on the lose and this is the completely normal behavior of innocent victims.

Suspects

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A list of possible suspects in this case has come about, yet despite an ungodly amount of coverage, limitless resources and multiple eyes on the case no one saw anything durring Christmas in 1996 when no one really had internet to distract them and everyone was home for the holidays.

Burke Ramsey - A litteral pants shitting retard who fingerpaints with his own turds, it's suspected in a fit of tard rage he headshotted his gutter slut sister with a heavy flash light found next to where he was eating breakfast cause the bitch took his pineapple. Autopsy reports however show that the cumdumpster dies of strangulation not tard strength pwnage. For this to of happened the parents would have had to choked out their daughter instead of saying the bitch fell down the stairs.

Patsy Ramsey - While the "how" is not clear, her DNA and handwriting is all over the ransom note that was written at her writing station on her paper with tons of practice notes in the trash can. Naw, no way this bitch knew shit about what was going on.

John Ramsey - Look, stop saying this poor innocent man did anything. It is completely normal for a father to have a daughter with a vagina more torn up than an Iraq war zone, stun gun marks all over her neck and spine, a video instructing how to create a mind slave using a stun gun, hire a pedophile to play Santa at your x-mas parties, live in a neighborhood swimming with pedophiles who carry around pictures of your daughter, let your daughter compete in beauty pageants so random strangers can talk to her regularly, and have your family on more Xanax than a Toy Box killer rape mind slave victim. There is nothing suspicious here, John Ramsey is a good boy.

Bill McReynolds - Daddy Ramsey paid this guy to dress up as Santa and was in the home a few nights before the retirement. His own daughter was kidnapped in 1974 which cause his wife to write some wicked hawt fanfics about little girls getting murdered and raped in basements. However there is no way Bill could of done it. Bill loved JonBenet so much he brought a vial of glitter he gave her to his heart operation, asked that when he die his ashes be mixed with the glitter, and talked about how much he loved her and how special she and how she made changes in him. Nope, nothing strange here.

Gary Oliva - A convicted pedophile who lived near by the Ramsey home. When he was arrested on drug charges police found a pic of JonBenet which he said is totally normal. Oliva also attempted to strangle a bitch once, but failed because it wasn't a child. A friend of Oliva also says Gary confessed and said he did it, but snitches are bitches and they probably just made shit up so In-Touch magazine would pay them for the exclusive interview. However, Gary Oliva was not a match to the super contaminated DNA samples.

John Mark Kaar - Said he did it to a journalist, but turns out he didn't and was fucking with journalist tards for the lulz. His DNA did not match the contaminated DNA samples, he was in Georgia the night JohBenet Ramsey was pwnd in Colorado, and his story of how he did it didn't match up to forensic evidence. While his confession was lulzy, he did lose all the sweet CP he had when he was arrested in Bangkok fleeing CP charges from California.

I guess the world will never know who killed JonBenet Ramsey

Daddy the ladies man

John Bennett Ramsey, not to be confused with his dead crotch fruit JonBenet Ramsey, for some reason just keeps having women disappear/die around him. Women in his life who mysteriously disappear include:

His first daughter who died mysteriously in a car accident
His daughter JonBenet
His wife Patsy who died of cancer
Natalee Holloway. No realy, John Ramsey was dating Natalie Holoway's mom when Natalee decided to be the next act in Jorn Vandersloots magic show where he makes women disappear.

As a successful man who sold an extremely over valued website to a top defense contractor, who has had every single one of his daughters die in odd circumstances I'm sure nothing strange is going on and you can feel 100% safe around this man if you have a twat.