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Achaea
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Achaea is going to be fixed up later... So stay tuned! |
Imagine shitty roleplayers on World of Warcraft. Now put them all in IRC where they keep roleplaying in chat. What you now have the text game Achaea, a chatroom filled with the loneliest males and cow-whales the internet has to offer. When attempting to categorize text game players, we found one thing glaringly in common amongst them: they're all fucking retarded and are delusional about their bodies needs. For example, while your typical MMORPG gamer might sit on the toilet with their laptop to keep gaming, a text game player will probably just shit their pants and not even notice - or worse, leave it for the dog to clean up.
What The Fuck Is This Shit Anyways?
Most people who play Achaea will tell you it's like "reading an interactive story", likening it to the Choose-Your-Own-Adventure books. ED has the following rebuttals; one, reading is gay and for retards, and two, reading is gay and for retards. Text gamers suffer from the worst form of Claw-Hands, since they can't click shit and have to actually type what they want their character to do; most spend hours sending the same simplistic "kill goblin" command to their character for upwards of 10 hours a day. Upon reaching level 9999, players can turn into a dragon and fuckraep like 5 people with 1 shot. While Achaea promises there is no endgame, most people quit the game after becoming dragons because the only thing to do after that is fuck furries with your monstercock.
How2 Tr0ll
- Make lots of characters with dirty names. Just keep doing it. It will keep the volunteer staff busy, otherwise all they do is look at porn all day.
- Make new characters in evil cities and join good classes like Priest/Paladin. Tell them to shut the fuck up when they say you can't do that.
- Talk about anything from real life on the game's public channels. They will react like a vampire exposed to the sunlight (ironic right?)
How They B Scamming U
The game itself is free to play, however it supports itself by letting players buy ultra-hacked armor and weapons with irl cash. So while you don't have to spend a dime, there are players who have spent thousands of dollars and are virtually superior to you in every way shape and form. In fact, some of these items let players solo entire groups of other players and not lose 1 health point.
The staff argues that you can buy these ultra-l337 items with enough gold, but you have to quit rl and grind for 5 years, 24 hours a day, to be able to equal someone who borrowed moms credit card in 1 day.
Blog Marketing
Iron Realms, the company behind Achaea, has been venturing into the blogosphere. They release an "article", usually 5 paragraphs of why you should give them your soul, and then threaten to delete the game if all 300 of their players don't Digg the articles. Luckily, since Digg is already controlled by elite Jews, they can only manage to get on front page of Upcoming Stories, instead of Top News. This is probably a good thing since Achaea would shit itself and explode if they got over 1000 hits.
Typical Iron Realms article on Digg: "Hi there. Have you ever played text games? Iron Realms has the best text games, you should check out our text games, we operate the best role playing text games, we'll text game your brain so full of text games, if you ever text game again I'll take a text game and text game you till your text game is leaking out of your skull. Suck my text game, mother text gamer."
^they dont stuff keywords at all amirite?
Related Links
External Links
- Achaea's shitty homepage - fueled by Java
- Their wonderful blog that highlights important events in the roleplay universe - syke its all shit
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Achaea is part of a series on Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage. |
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Achaea is part of a series on MMORPGs. | [Ding!] |
