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Chav
Moar info: Wigger.
A chav is a kind of wanker that is rapidly becoming the new dickhead stereotype for the true English fucker, overthrowing the previous bowler-and-brolly archetype we all secretly wish were true. Chavs are typically inbred and known to swagger in large packs of similarly acne-ridden retards around the suburbs of England, attacking literally anyone for petty reasons (looking at them 'funny', etc) , but actually shitting themselves if ever challenged on their own. They are typically around the ages of 12 to 30, around 4 ½ foot high and dressed entirely in imitation Adidas tracksuits, mock gold jewellery and cheap cologne which stinks of cat piss. They are a complete plague and can be found lurking around literally any park, fast food outlet or off license, usually chain smoking, drinking or abusing civilians. Unfortunately, due to the promiscuous nature of the chav, they are becoming increasingly common and are even beginning to be seen as an epidemic in Britain. All chavs are hideous, extremely stupid, frequently acne ridden even in their 20s and completely amoral.
Somewhere between vermin and parasites, a chav earns its living by signing up for the social (British unemployment benefits), stealing things from its local supermarket, or (more commonly) combining the two. A few of the moar enterprising chavs eke out a living selling low-grade cannabis and heavily adulterated amphetamines to school children.
Note that while Chavs are essentially wiggers, they hate it if anyone calls them that. Their wiggotry is quite apparent in the way they walk: legs as wide apart as Dorian Thorn's, arms out like coathangers after the typical chav training regimen of holding black person under the armpits.
Etymology
The word "chav" is widely believed to stand for "council housed and violent" due to their lack of funds and aggressive nature, or possibly "Chalton average". It might also come from charivari. Other variations of the word "chav" include "charver" and "fucknugget" or "scratter", terms that may well have been introduced by mice fornicating in Burberry hats, given their Liverpudlian origin they come from Kent you fucking retard, don't get chavs confused with Scousers. Scottish people fondly refer to their equivalents as "Neds", or non-educated delinquents. Calling this hypocritical is a major understatement.
Chavs OTI
On the internets, chavs are most commonly found on Bebo, and all believe that tabloid newspapers are the world's ultimate form of truth. Trolling them can lead to massive lulz and makes them very butthurt - just see the An Heroes of Bridgend article for proof. Chavs make for some of the finest Internet tough guys. They all seem to feel the constant need to begin every word in every sentence with a capital letter (mainly because they are all retarded and don't actually know where the capital letter is supposed to go). They also enjoy spelling words like they would be said, making some words undecipherable due to their shitty speech and monkey brains.
Here's an example:
Translation:
A complicated language indeed.
Also, notice the use of double "&"s and "i"s. Annoying, isn't it?
The reason why they do a c-c-c-combo breaker with the & symbol can be seen on the right.
Note that:
- It's being quoted by a chavette
- She's easily butthurt
- She's interested in talentless twins who enjoy having buttsecks with each other
- She never gave a valid reason, she just said she just does
Appearance
In general, "chav-style" is all about blatant and ostentatious display, rather in the manner of lower order animals displaying plumage. This is why chav and chavette alike will always attempt to cover themselves in anything with a 'label'. Showy jewelery is an absolute must.
Spotting one of these social blemishes is easy: look for a curry-stained shell-suit and Burberry cock-sock. Other chav "rude boiz" identify themselves by tucking their trademark tracksuit-bottoms into the huge football socks they wear. All chavs wear a permanent frown because frowning makes you look "hard". Recently they have begun to devolve even further, deliberately scarring themselves underneath either eye or anywhere else on the face, but it's hard to work out if that makes them hard or just emo would-bes. No matter what stage of Chav-olution they may/may not have fallen to, they are all distinguished by their trademark "walk". Chavs without exception smoke cigarettes from the age of seven, due to a chronic inability to withstand peer pressure. This age also coincides with the first time most Chav females bear a child for the extra social payments. As an interesting anthropological note, it has been observed by many that the smaller a chav's head, the more he looks like he wants to rip your balls off.
The display of one's genitalia is a mandatory practice in the appearance of a chav. It is to send the message: However deceptive my high pitched, nasally, whiney, annoying-as-fuck voice and general lack of facial hair is, I am still male. Don't believe me? Take a gander at my package.
Often it is necessary to hold onto the genitalia to ensure it does not go anywhere. It is common for chavs to stand with both hands down the front of their tracksuit pants whilst talking to friends, police and social workers.
Female chavs wear excessive quantities of cheap make-up. Without fail, beneath that plasterwork lies a patchwork of acne and knife wounds borne upon the orange, irradiated glow of a sun sun bed fake tan worshipper.
Despite their simple nature, chavs do have a hierarchy. When they've sold enough stolen goods and drugs to pre-teens, they will spend their cash on shitty jewelry from Argos — commonly referred to as "Elizabeth Duke" in an effort to make it appear more expensive than it is — mainly to protect their knuckles from chafing as they drag them along the ground. The more gilded-plastic sovereign rings and chains a chav wears, the higher he/she is placed in said hierarchy. It is rumored that the chief of all chavs, though never seen, wears double his weight in cheap jewelery. Chavs are slavishly subservient to those higher up the jewelery-tree than them. Other factors affecting a chavs place in the hierarchy are based on the size of a chav's criminal record, the number of anti-social behaviour orders (ASBOs for short) he/she/it has accrued, how big a mustache the little rat bastard can grow, or how much "snout" he can stash up his ass (like any self-respecting /b/tard, a chav never knows when the peelers might come knocking).
It is often easy to spot a chav by name only due to their unique naming conventions, which includes naming their crotch droppings after things they like. Examples of this include Nokia, Burberry, Toyota, T-Mobile, JJB Sports, Citroen Saxo and White Lightning. Failing this, a chav may give their spawn an American nigra name such as Rohondra, Keiisha, Ty Ron or Fifi Lapussi. Unlike the wigger this is not because of an appreciation of nigra culture but is mainly because they heard it in Kanye West's song during Tim Westwood's power hour.
Attitude
—Chavs appreciate your charity. | ||
Incapable of sensitivity or remorse, chavs have no respect for anyone or anything other than England's football loser and fellow shaven ape Wayne Rooney, who would have made a better rugby (League Union) player anyway. Between getting drunk and/or high and collecting their dole money, they patrol their shit-hole sink estates in gangs making them even more unlivable by engauging in vandalism, theft and looking for lone folk half their age to assault and rob.
As with many animals, they hunt in packs; caught on their own, they have a tendency to mutter under their breath and stare at the ground like an asspie. If you happen upon a group of chavs, make sure to stare. Any seemingly harmless form of eye contact will initiate the chav's charity gland, which consists of first requesting money before resorting to violence in order to get it.
Most Chavs seem to keep this attitude as they grow into their early 30s, which marks the first major fork of their lives. Either they get a job and become builders or other unskilled laborers, leaving violence for inebriated weekends and football matches, or, end up in prison, where they learn which end of a knife is sharp and realizing that this is as good as it gets. Thankfully, due to the "Credit Crunch" (or Jews) chavs are turning rapidly into the homeless, and so are dying of starvation, natural selection ftw.
Much like dogs, they have a terrible attitude towards other groups, such as the "moshers", "sk8er bois", emo kids and anyone else not wearing half-mast tracksuit bottoms and a faded baseball cap. Do not let the whiny nasal voice fool you: if you're not a chav, be prepared for some IRL serious business. However, if a chav is alone or the number of their group of apes is lower than yours, they will shit bricks and in all likelihood run to the safety of their local McDonald's. If you find a chav alone, you know what to do.
Fighting
Chavs are often known for having pussy scraps in a little kids playground or a big large field. After feeding the toddlers dog shit and raping the whole family in the house next door, these 12 year old cunts like to come out to the big field and have a scrap, record it on mobile phones and post it to the JewTubez. Look at this stupid cunt Ryan Davison. He's 13 years old, getting very old to be a chav, innit?
GREETINGS
- Wa g'wan - "What is going on?", mostly used to mean "Hello, how are you?"
- Wussup ma homie? - "What is happening at the moment, my fellow compatriot?"
- Bo - Also used to draw attention.
- 'Ow son! - "How do you do my friend?"
- Ooo! 'Ere - "Hello there, could I have your attention please?"
- 'ere mate - "I am about to commence sponging/start a fight for no reason."
- Orite kidda!? - "Greetings my friend, how are you? Are you currently in a state of physical, social and mental well-being?"
QUERIES/REQUESTS
- Startin? - "Would you be suggesting that we engage in a physical confrontation of a violent nature?"
- The fuck you look'n at? "I would like to instigate a fight."
- Fuck you on about? "I'm afraid you may have sourced your information incorrectly."
- Yer gorra light? - "May I please borrow (steal) a cigarette lighter?"
- Yer got twenny pee, mate? - "Do you happen to have twenty pence Sterling on your person that I could borrow?"
- Set Me - May I inquire as to [one of] your [possessions]? Example, 'Set me a fag, bruv'.
- GEE/GIZ UZ YER PHONE - "Hand over your mobile communications device, or face a bit of rough and tumble."
- You wha'?- "Pardon me? I was unable to comprehend your elucidation."
- Twos on tha' - "I desire the latter half of your cigarette."
- Do a Nash/Do one - To make an prompt exit, usually on the rare occasion that outnumbering the foe 10 to 1 is not enough to win a fight.
- Gis a swig o' tha! - "Would you mind giving me a sip/portion of your beverage?"
EXCLAMATIONS
- amazin- The only word a chav is linguistically capable of using to describe an object or person. The first sign of a lack of vocabulary.
- Brap/Prap - Used to draw attention to oneself, representing the sound of a gun.
- Yezzir - "Yes, sir", imitated by Chavs upon hearing famous Nigra "Pharrell Williams" say the word himself in a few songs.
- Wickiiid - "I derive much enjoyment from that particular occurrence".
- Fuuuckinn' 'ell! - Usually said in a state of awe and/or when completely befuddled by a recent occurence.
- Bangin' choon! - "I find that melody rather entertaining and I am completely captivated by its composition." This would normally be said whilst simultaneously bobbing the head up and down and waggling a finger in accordance with said melody in the most retarded of fashions.
- Mint - "Wonderful!"
- Shockin - "I'm afraid I must disagree with your claim"
- Ee's takin' the piss - He has not yielded to us immediately, handed over his cash and cards, admitted all fault for the incident and apologized for the inconvenience! The audacity! The temerity!
- Ya bellend - "I find your nature disagreeable."
- Torture - Used to describe an inconvenient yet pressing task. eg: "I had to get up at 11 to sign on this mornin' it was pure torture!"
ACTIVITIES
- Moshy bashin - finding and starting a fait/fight with a "mosher innit".
- Missions - A great distance.
- 'Aving a Chew - Undertaking an arduous task, such as writing your name.
- Goin' on a burg/On the rob' - I am soon to be participating on a burglary.
THE AFFIRMATIVE
- yeah m8 - An automatic response received after insulting a chav (often followed by a punch to your face).
- Blatantly - The strongest word a chav has in its arsenal. If you're blatantly startin' with him, you should probably flee. A chav will not resort to a three-syllable word except at the utmost end of need.
- InnitEnnit - "Isn't it just."
- Proper/Pure - Used as the adjective in most sentences, declaring that something is good. "Lad lad lad, dat's a proper cat there, lad." (see below for "Lad")
- Orrrr M8 - "I am most impressed with this information." This may also be heard before being harassed for a cigarette, and then being questioned as to why you don't have any/won't give them one.
- Sound - "I find that agreeable."
THE NEGATIVE
- Fuck off - "I'm afraid I cannot see eye to eye with you on this matter, please depart from my line of sight, instantly if not sooner."
- Norr m8 - "No my friend, I disagree." Usually said when the chav can't sustain an argument. (The equivalent of NO U)
Jake: Why don't you stop acting so hard you fucking chav? You're an absolute pussy.
Chav: Norr m8
SOCIALISING
- Bruv - An abbreviation of "brother". They seem to be capable of calling anyone their brother. If they use this term too much it opens up the gate of being able to troll them by saying "you're all brothers? Your mom must have been a real slag to have had all of you"
- Blud - "Blood", announced in recognition as a follower of theirs being a so-called brother.
- Blut-blut - Also used to draw attention to oneself. Chavs crave the stuff.
- Bare - "A lot", "Big", "an abundance of", "copious".
- Lad - A chav's favorite appellation. Chavs will frequently use this to engage in a conversation, often repeating it several times until it can think of something to say afterwords. Usually followed by the question "Whar'ave ya bin' sayin' about us ma lad?"
- Dirt - A cigarette.
- Mate - Catch-all moniker for victims or fellow scum.
- Laa - Short for "lad". Usually added to the end of somebody's name as a greeting. Eg. Nathan Laa! or Matty Laa!.
- Like - Pause filler, used to, like, stall for time while, like, preparations are, like, made to attempt vocalisation of, like, the next word. Like.
- Bird - Simply the chav word for a Girl.
After reading this far, it should no longer be a mystery as to why chavs are the most universally hated group of faggots in Western Europe.
Music
Chav music is a delicate blend of monotonous bass and rudimentary keyboard synths artfully combined by unemployed spics under the influence of poppers and vodka. The music is usually imported by a skinny pikey in a van who sells it to other chavs from the boot of his Ford Fiesta. This music is played inside of their Vauxhall Novas and Citron Saxos with shit modifications at such high volume the whole car starts to shake, on their mobile phones, without headphones, on public transport annoying the fuck out of everyone else on board and are increasingly being heard in bars and clubs in English cities, and is "never loud enough" until the exterior masonry begins to vibrate.
Have a look at this stunning piece of work below. Most (or maybe all?) chavs believe they can mask the shitty phone recorder quality and retardation with equally shite music. Watch as these chimplike abominations jump into bushes and flip off buildings again and again, because, you know, that's what you really want to spend your time doing.
In order to appreciate the genius of the genre, fill your two-door hatchback with at least three inebriated lolis in the back and as many faggots as you can fit in the space between the passenger seat and the handbrake. Adjust your seat to be as far back and as low to the floor as possible, then relax in style as your faggot friends hang out of the window whistling at schoolgirls, safe in the comfort that YOU LOOK PROPER MINT.
Chavs also thoroughly enjoy dancing:
The Chav Song
Chavs Abroad
The trend is also growing rapidly in Australia since getting drunk and fucked up every week is considered normal and part of the Australian Way of Life. But no Australian will admit to it Most Australians have a misplaced pride in their alcoholism well, not when they are sober, at any rate. They might even get offended. Nope, even when they're sober. At one point, the common currency was rum and Australia's only military coup was the Rum Rebellion of 1808.
Still, it's a fact that they are not sober most of the time, since they get rolling drunk after 1 sip of piss. DISREGARD THAT I SUCK COCKS As a result, it's likely that you will be reciving a call from someone at 2 in the morning (NOT IN HIS TIME-ZONE, HAHA) offering you Pringles if you'd exchange phone numbers with him.
In Australia, there's a clothing chain called Billabong which supplies the gangsta wannabes with all sorts of gear. Sad fact is those things are nowhere near anything, and only serve to make the wearer look like a wanker. But the schoolkids just fall in love with those psuedo-chav outfits, the dumb bastards. Now Billabong is popular in America, but we've already got wiggers and bros, so it just blends right in.
Outside of Australia and Britain, the biggest population centre for chavs is their favourite holiday centre, Ibiza. Every year hundreds of chavs flock to the island to partake of the endless supply of drugs, booze and slags.
Famous Chavs
Devvo
Devvo is an Internet mockumentary made by Fat-Pie.com. It follows a young chap named Darren Devonshire (or Devvo for short) living his everyday life in Doncaster. The scariest (and possibly lulziest) part of this series is that upon first viewing, almost every person that has seen it has mistakenly thought it to be genuine.
Michael Carroll
Much to the dismay of the entire British population, Michael Carroll is not a spoof character. The forces of nature decided to play a disgusting trick on humanity by allowing Michael to win The National Lotto. This made him the first Chav to ever have money, and therefore creating a paradox.
Since winning £9.7million in November 2002 he has appeared in court over 30 times, he spent the entirety of his winnings on banger racing, prozzies, fine china and been imprisoned for assault. More proof that Chavs and money are not destined to be with each other.
The only thing more disgraceful than Michael Carroll himself is the fact that the English media have made documentaries about him and even a film about his life has been discussed. At least the council of his hometown Swaffham were awesome enough to pwn him by refusing when he offered to pay for their Christmas decorations.
Carroll has claimed to be the "King Of Chavs", which of course means he rules high above all the other pre-pubescent wasters of his kind.
Living within the chav community has ment that Carroll has become vunerable to the predatory nature of many chavs (i.e. asking for something for free to which they have contributed nothing, and, in the case of being refused, resorting to violence to get it). Their requests for cash and threats of violence have ment Carroll inlisted, for a short while, the help of Northern Ireland Ulster Defence Association (UDA) loyalist terrorist and all round shithead Johnny "Mad Dog" Adair for protection in return for financing and endorceing his terrorist group. When little Carroll realised who he was getting himself involved with however he felt it would be better to take on the teenage chavs armed with potato peelers demanding cash himself, rather than being subject to requests for cash from hardened murderers who have handguns, AK-47's and grenades and so quickly broke off the relationship.
Currently, Mr. Carroll is dirt poor once again after blowing all his money on the standard Chav bullshit. Carroll has returned to his previous vocation of 'Bin Man', claiming that he is happier without his vast sums of money due to the trouble that comes with it. Which is a load of shit really, as anyone with a brain has enough willpower to resist buying yet another Quadbike or brick of heroin.
Vicky Pollard
A character from the comedy sketch show Little Britain, Vicky encompasses everything that everybody hates about Chavs, but turns it into lulz. To make matters worse, anyone who's ever been unfortunate enough to find themselves in any British city center will be surprised at the accuracy with which this character is portrayed.
Your Mum
If ever you have the nerve to tell a chav what he is, he will without doubt point out that your mother is also a chav and that he surprise-sexed her repeatedly.
Chav Relationships
It's also common knowledge that when a chav reaches 14 they'll suddenly find the need to rape anything with a pulse (including close family members and you). Unfortunately for humanity, chavs also try to mate with eachother while usually fucked up on Carlsburg.
Due to a severe lack of adequate parenting skills you'll often witness 12 year old chavs with mini-skirts the length of your penis, made up to the point of being more orange than the sun...that probably turns you on you sick fuck
These traits in a female chav are what attracts the male chav, who can be most likely spotted next to the nearest Off-licence while his hands are where they shouldn't be, verbally assaulting any passerby who doesn't where those shitty adidas tracksuits.
WARNING: If you ever find yourself falling in love with a chav, please An Hero immediately.
TL;DR
Poor English wiggers.
Gallery
-
Typical charver - pissed on one bottle. -
Beneath the Puff jacket. -
-
A beautiful chav and chavette couple. -
This is Super Pedo Chav. He wants to ræp you.
-
Some argue that super pedo chav is being followed by the party van just like poor Pedobear. -
If they're not pissing up the side of your house/pub/another human, they use one of these. -
The chav's second home. -
It's fucking "Mr. Chav" to you, cunt. -
You need to sniff a lot of glue to look this good. -
I think he's looking at you. -
Chavism: a mild form of Down's Syndrome. -
girl on E breastfeeds towel. Note the
jointcigarette in her left hand. -
A chav earns his wings. -
Someone has to fuck them. -
This chav looks smug. Someone's lost their wheeltrims! -
...and a little one for the lady? -
Typical chav's ride: your car. -
Fucking looser -
but with a few modifications... -
Epic fail! -
"you sure you don't want it a bit...taller sir?" "fuckoffyatwat" -
A Chav shows his sexual prowess. Flat tits are commonpiece in the Chav kingdom. -
Takin' it Hi-res.
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See Also
- Guido (the same thing, except Italian-American and on the opposite end of the socioeconomic spectrum. Yay for Mafia ties!).
- Wigger
- Bogan (Australian version: +1 redneck; -1 wigger)
- Chavmo
- ChavScum
- Gotateenager
- Kersal Massive
- Tyler Juett
- Goronchev (Yes, most defiantly).
- Reece Kent
