Gwen Stefani

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There's a lot of crappy pop stars in the world today, but have you ever heard of one so fucktarded as to sample The Sound of Music in a club track? Meet Gwen Stefani, 38 year old lordy assface of the pop music industry.

Her breasts were tragically flattened in a steamroller accident.

All of these men are straight.

Hay guys, am I gangster yet?!

Gwen's crackbaby. Notice how it is so small. That's because it was born at least a 100 years early.

Her 'Talent'

Gwen has no talent. If one listens to the studio and live versions of her songs, it's easy to tell that her voice is more heavily edited than TOW's African Elephants article. Further analysis shows that Gwen doesn't exactly sing, but instead mumbles and whines through her rather pronounced proboscis, with one microphone shoved up one nostril, and second shoved up either her vagina or her rectum to provide two channels for stereo recording.

Listening to Gwen's attempts at music is strongly advised against, as the AMA has confirmed that exposure to anything associated with Gwen will cause a colony of cancerous brain tumors to spring out of nowhere and kill you within 10 seconds. To get an idea of what she sounds like without committing suicide, imagine an Emu having a massive organ failure and shooting testicles out of its ass. For some reason, hipster kids love this dreadful sound, most likely because the ear-fucking they got from their dads as children made them deaf. That and they're scenewhores who love how she looks. See: TOW for featuring an article on one of her all-time most craptastic songs.

Her 'music'

Gwen started out in the third-wave ska band No Doubt, who jumped onto the scene in 1995, and then quickly fell victim to the nobody gives a shit curse. Regardless, they released 3 albums after that, and are working on another one. Experts say the CD will sell less than Bible Adventures. During her time in this band, Gwen would often whore herself out to her fellow band-mates, including her brother, which would have made for some hot incests if all the guys in the band weren't banging each other behind the scenes. The fact that the fags dye their hair is all the proof in the world you'd need. Eventually Gwen broke off from the group, because she was angry at the band for not letting her at least watch their flamboyant sexcapades.

As a solo artist, Gwen knew she couldn't cut it by doing crappy generic pop songs, so she did the only thing she knew to do; start putting out crappy generic hip-hop songs. Just about every song that Stefani makes is about the ropes of gold hanging out of her ass, how women are better than men, or about how she's artistic and creative and noone understands her. Every song she does will feature some two-bit rapper to raise her street-cred through the roof, because Gwen will do anything to have her ass pounded by a bushel of black person cocks. The only good thing to ever come out of her music was the meme "THIS SHIT IS __________", but even that was fail, since it came from people actually listening to her Emu-testicle-shitting quality voice.

Harajuku Girls

Gwen likes to claim that the cosplay freaks in Japan's Harajuku slum district have inspired her and she's their "biggest fan". Truth is she'd never heard of the Harajuku or the faggy nip retards until she saw an MTV story about how a bunch of Jap gals were dressing up just like her and selling their twats for crack. She flew over there to see what it was all about, and wound up hiring two of them off the street to appear with her in all her shitty videos and to suck her pussy when she's on the rag. Gwen then wrote a song that took all of three minutes to record that exposed millions of USians to more Jap faggotry, and prompted most historians to agree that we shouldn't have stopped with the nuking of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

Other Useless Tidbits

• Gwen keeps her hair pulled back in a tight ponytail in order to counterbalance her nose, which causes her face to sag downward due to its size.
• Stefani was the mentor on the shit-show American Idol to host the show themed 'Things that Inspired Gwen Stefani'. Apparently her own music inspired her. Egotistical? Nooo. Pretty much, she had nothing useful to say, and was only there to whore out her album and national tour with lackey Akon.
• Gwen has a fashion line for babies called LAMB, that is devoted to making your one year old look as slutty as possible. It is Gwen's belief that '...It's just terrible that today's children are getting so little cock. So, why not speed up the process and make your children look like fresh, fresh pedo meat? Trust me, they'll thank you for it later on.'
• Gwen had a crackbaby with the lead singer of some band. The baby was apparently the inspiration for LAMB. No pictures of her scantily clad child exist, since the FBI would probably bust down her door for it.
• Thanks to her becoming responsible for exposing the world to the Harajuku freaks, Gwen now has an entourage made up entirely of stereotypical Japs who follow her around, dressed as Gothic Lolitas. Gwen has drawn criticisms of Wapanese, which she responds to with "OMG THAT IS SO KAWAII!!!!/1" Before shoving sticks of Pocky down her tight-lipped ho throat. Or is that her rectum? Is there a difference?
• THIS SHIT IS BANANAS ZOMG!!!/1/1ONEONE

Youtubes

• Hollaback Girl - Even has the studio recording at the beginning for comparison.
• Wind It Up - Gwen is dressed like a cow. Poor thing, now she doesn't even have her fashion.
• Bathwater - You know there's something wrong when Even Sanjaya outsings her.

Gwen Stefani is part of a series on Music Visit the Music Portal for complete coverage.