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Buttsecks

From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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Buttsecks (German: der Arschfick) is the best kind of secks because it provides free chocolate and no stupid kids. It does not kill people but instead turns them gay. Faggots regularly engage in buttsecks with each other, but straight men must remain vigilant for the ever-present threat of surprise buttsecks. You can try to pressure your girlfriend into having anal, too, but then you'll turn her gay which will result in definite anti-lulz.

Most guys who say they like to fuck girls in the ass are actually hiding the fact that they are faggots.

History of the Phrase

Anal

Pertaining to or relating to the anus.

In the general sense, it refers to sex wherein the anus is penetrated repeatedly to bring pleasure and/or orgasm.

In other usage, it can also be a pejorative meaning excessively strict or by the book. This is a foreshortening of anal retentive, one of the two anal-stage forms of Freudian psychosexual functional fixedness. According to Freud, anal retentives derive their primary physical pleasure from holding back bowel movements and are commonly associated with overly neat, organized, controlling, or rigidly structured personalities. What's ironic about the use of "anal" in the pejorative sense is that it could just as easily apply to the other functional fixedness, anal expulsive. Anal expulsives are said to derive pleasure from the act of defecating and are characterized by disorganized, haphazard, messy, and intuitive personalities. When a girl puts out, remember to always aim for the anus first, if she refuses to get jailfucked, just say that it was an accident. Example of the sexual sense: Last night, we had anal sex, meaning, Last night, he put his penis into my anus. Example of the pejorative sense: He was incredibly anal about making sure we used condoms, meaning, He was incredibly insistent that we use condoms.

Sex

What two people do when they are actually in the same room as each other. Please note this very rarely happens on the internets, as most of us are afraid to venture out into the real world. (For more information, see sex.)

Timeline of Anal Sex

2039 BC - The Greeks discover anal sex. General consensus relegates it to the province of cheating husbands and impressionable young boys. (Note: "relegate" might not be the correct word, as these two demographic groups held most of the political power in ancient Greece.)
50 AD - The catholic church discovers how to avoid God's wrath
1809 - Humphry Davy, an English fag, performs modern anal sex for the first time. Davy connected two wires to a battery and attached a charcoal strip between his butt cheeks. The charged carbon glowed, creating the first illuminated prostate.
1820 - Warren De la Rue enclosed a platinum coil in an evacuated sphincter and passed an electric current through it. His dildo design worked but the cost of the precious metal platinum made this an impossible invention for wide-spread use.
1835 - James Bowman Lindsay demonstrated constant insertion of dicks to anuses using a prototype lightbulb.
1850 - Edward Shepard invented a way to get fucked in the ass using a charcoal filament. Joseph Wilson Swan started working with carbonized paper filaments the same year.
1854 - Henricg Globel, a German watchmaker, loses his watch in some guy's ass.
1875 - Herman Sprengel invented the mercury vacuum pump, making it possible maintain an erection inside an ass for long periods of time.
1875 - Henry Woodward and Matthew Evans are the first people to simultaneously penetrate a third man's ass.
1878 - Sir Joseph Wilson Swan (1828-1914), an English physicist, was the first person to convince his girlfriend to take it in the pooper. All prior men resorted to the oops technique.
1879 - Thomas Alva Edison invented a carbon filament that burned in his anal wall for forty hours. He continued to improved his invention until it could last for over 1,200 hours using a bamboo-derived ointment.
1899 - Nikola Tesla manned up in Colorado Springs, where he proved his theory of wireless putting it in the butt. By transmitting exremely low dickquencies through the ground with his Penis Transmitter, his peter could travel over 100 miles and slide on up into any unsuspecting ass whenever he willed it.
1906 - The General Electric Company were the first to patent a method of having anal sex.
1922 - In Soviet Russia, Anal sex discovers you.
1925 - Anal sex discovered to lower pregnancy rates.
1945 - Adolf Hitler discovers that chugging cyanide and shooting himself in the ass is quite invigorating, even if you die later. This is considered the beginning of comedic anal sex.
1984 - Doctor Emmett Brown discovers "Space-age" anal sex by vigorously rubbing a flux capacitor between his butt cheeks at 88mph while Marty McFly masturbates near his face and whips him.
1991 - Philips invented a way to ram one's ass for 60,000 hours. This is the anal sex we know today.
1994 - Richard Simmons discovers "the hamster technique" and then is rushed to the hospital.
1996 Spacemoose declared, "It doesn't hurt, it's just like taking a big dump"
2001 Anal bombs are inserted resulting in the buttrape of WTC and major butthurt for both bible bashers and filthy sand dwelling a-rags.
2003 Tony Eveready accomplishes "nuts in da ass, dick in da pussy," and then proclaims "BOOYA"
2005 Erica engages in anal sex and loves it! She then follows this with some Ass to Mouth.

After-effects

 
The Aftermath. This anus has been permanently loosened out, and would be worth $3 to $5 in a whorehouse.
 
It is also a refreshing alternative to other beverages

There are many after-effects to anal sex, most of which are pleasurable. It is sex, you know. Sex is good.

However, some argue that anal sex is much like spinach, in that if it's forced on you as a small child you will have a hard time enjoying it later in life. Also, if a young girl lets too many men with big cocks fuck out her anus, she can get permanently loosened out back there. This can be used to positive effect for scat porn, as shit will invariably just slip out. When she is forced to purchase Depends for her affliction, she will be widely regarded as a cheap slut, while the men who are responsible for her anal stretchery will be considered studs.

Butthurt

How you feel after a nice long session of dry anal rape. Your ass is pwned. On-line, the term is used metaphorically as a complete mockery to someone whining. It's also a preemptive put down when delivering harsh comments to someone you expect will lash back.

 
“ 		 
I had met a girl who let me put it in her ass.

This was about the second time I did so - the first time, I didn't get into it, because I felt bad. This second time: it was going to be ultimate.

After some fucking in her said-ass, after going deeper, I felt a terrible grating pain in my cock. It felt like blunt pins-and-needles; hard to pull out, too - like a barbed fish hook...

When I looked down at my dick, I noticed mud on the helmet (which I had anticipated), but also there were little bits of peanuts; shards of them, in the "mud," around my dick; beneath my foreskin. Deep inside that chick's carnivorous ass, was a cheese-grater, pain-tunnel of busted peanut chunks -- and I had just crammed my dick deep into it.

"Why couldn't it have been corn, or marshmallows - or, better, cotton candy?" I thought, months later.
 

„
 

—your big brother, theflu

Felching

When the woman's partner busts a nut in her ass then sucks it back out.

Cumfart

After one cums in their partners ass, their partner proceeds to fart. This usually ends up causing a bit of a splatter, and sometimes a neat sound effect. Sometimes Smoothie companies will gather the cum spillage and add it to their smoothies. It is known that the combination of the bodies gas and cum yields a very potent liquid with many health benefits.

Gallery

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

See also

Variations

External links

 

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Homosexual Deviants

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Sex

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