Registration has been disabled and the moderation extension has been turned off.
Contact an admin on Discord or EDF if you want an account. Also fuck bots.

Brandon Kessler

From Encyclopedia Dramatica
This is an old revision of this page, as edited by imported>$UPR3M3 7R0LL3R at 05:15, 22 December 2014. It may differ significantly from the current revision.
Jump to navigationJump to search
Hey! This article isn't lulz just yet, but its coverage can spark a lollercoaster.
You can help by reverting people who delete shit, and vandalizing their user pages.
See this article on Google? Want to add something? Join us!


Brandon Kessler, also known as Gingerjew, was first discovered on the 14th of October, 2008 by /b/ because of his sick fuckettry of saying if he got 150 viewers that he would smack his mother's ass, but instead let his sister sit on his face, then proceeded to molest her even more later, while the camera was still recording. /b/lackup was then asked for and granted, and an epic raid was imminent.

Loli. Mmmm.
Motivational by loving Anon.
A young Brandon, holding his newborn sister and contemplating all the fun he can have with her. It's Awwwwwwright!
Hacker9 has NASASecretAntiVirus
Hacker9 Pwns ED
Hacker9's Trolling Skills
Hacker9 admits to liking the CP.
Brandon's friends are afraid of hackers.

The Day of Great Justice

16-year-old Brandon Kessler is a ronery high-school tard from Jamison, Pennsylvania. On October 13, Anon posted his BlogTV url on /b/. People proceeded to raid his vlog, and were amused at the gullible and stupid phillyflyers15.

A self-declared attention whore, Brandon continued to do everything Anon asked him to, from putting a shoe on his head to showing his MILF mother on camera.

The following day, October 14, Kessler came onto BlogTV and was once again raided by /b/tards with requests a many. These included jumping off a ladder, placing new items on his head, and rolling down stairs in hopes of breaking his neck. Many requests, including the infamous barrel roll and an hero, were inquired about and refused.

Soon enough, wincest was requested, and Brandon was asked to show his loli sister on cam. Naked. Brandon instead compromised with Anon by agreeing to place his sister on his head.

The events to follow can only be described as a horrific and live example of child molestation/abuse/porn/rape. To sum it up as clean as possible, Brandon laid back on a bed and let his sister sit on his face. She was clothed in a pink blouse and white tights. Anon was pleased instantaneously.

Suddenly, with swiftness that was not foreseen by many, Brandon's six year old sister then started to grind her hips in an erotic fashion, not unlike the movement seen when many women are on top, over a face or cock. The girl was obviously enjoying herself very much, as her smiles and moans made very evident.

This event produced epic lulz. /b/lackup was called upon, and screen caps enticed them to the vlog page. Delivery, after all, is impossible to resist. Very soon, Brandon Kessler and his wincest actions brought him well over 400 viewers.

Newfags and white knights then decided to report in and told Brandon what seemed like a good crowd of viewers that loved him were actually fags trying to see an idiot fail. Possibly die. Brandon was also (truthfully) told that his actions on camera would spread across the Internet like wildfire. Anon denied this fact.

Many more times Rules 1 & 2 were broken, and then Brandon came to realize he was an epic fail and laughing stock. He made his vlog private and began to kick Anon.

Big mistake.

Anon rebelled, wanting to see body parts that are not allowed to be exposed on the retarded BlogTV. Refusing Brandon his request for roneriness and privacy, the hackers at /b/ Labs went to work. Soon his Facebook and MySpace were online. Then his address. His phone number. On the Internet, we like to describe this situation as "fucked".

While some /b/tards were contacting Kessler's family and friends via Facebook, some attempted to call Brandon at his home. Some people were satisfied to hear Brandon's faggot voice over the phone, while others were denied the privilege.

Time went by, and soon enough Brandon's channel was filled with 900+ (read: not 9,000) viewers. People wanted to see this epic pedophile at work on his sister, while others wanted justice served to an obvious sex offender. Some people even requested the cops and/or FBI be called into action.

Later that week, the most incredible feat of social engineering was accomplished when epic troll, Hacker9, befriended Kessler and actually convinced him to call 911 on cam with a room full of anxious anon. Hacker9 coaxed Kessler by reassuring him that 911 would put him in touch with the FBI who would promptly shut down all the offending sites, including ED. Kessler spent the good part of 2 hours fretting to his viewers and asking them hopelessly for advice. "Should I call? I don't want the cops to show up at my house," he was quoted as saying. The call was brief and resulted in the 911 operator dispatching an officer to the Kessler residence at 12:12 AM. It should be noted that Brandon called the police dispatcher without notifying his parents. The lulz that ensued when a police car pulled into their driveway just before one in the morning can only be imagined.

Kessler's BlogTV account was closed at 12:44 AM EST on 10/17/2008. A swift An Hero is expected.

Brandon Kessler became An Hero in the early hours of October 17. After calling the police live on BlogTV, he realized he made a huge mistake. He could not take the stress of the raid, nor did he want the police coming to his house again, so he an heroed. It is not known how he became An Hero, but it was suggested by Anon that he slit his wrists. Full article is here HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS.

Hacker9 has since been arrested for CP.

Famous Quotes

   
“ 		 
"ANON, you guys, you WIN"
  		„
  		 

—Brandon Kessler, on Anon.

   
“ 		 
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE FBI I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG."
  		„
  		 

—Brandon Kessler, on denying everything.

   
“ 		 
"FUCK THIS, they know EVERYTHING!"
  		„
  		 

—Brandon, upon seeing the raiders share his contact information on his own vlog.

   
“ 		 
"There's losers on this Internet that do this!"
  		„
  		 

—Brandon, apparently finding out there were losers on the Internet.

   
“ 		 
"THEY TRACKED MY IP OR SOMETHING."
  		„
  		 

—Brandon Kessler, on not being aware that a simple Google search and some detective work reveals his location.

   
“ 		 
"YOUR DUMB"
  		„
  		 

—Hacker9, being a faggot after replying with FAIL.

YouTube

Brandon calls the cops.

ANONYMOUS WINS.

Gallery

 
Pwns ED

The Ultimate Script Kiddie, Hacker9

After the ultimate victory that was Brandon Kessler, the self-proclaimed mini-Mitnick himself, Hacker9, quickly came to the aid of young Kessler. Proclaiming his skills of hacking prowess, Hacker9 set forth to guide and advise Kessler through his ordeal, including encouraging him to actually dial 911 while on cam, under the pretense that the police would be able to aid in "bringing down at least 4 of the sites" where Kessler's information was posted.

Although it was originally theorized that Hacker9 was the ultimate anon troll, helping to bring about many lulz during the live 911 call, it was later discovered that he was actually just a fucking retard. The original theory was fed with evidence of Hacker9's presence on /b/, claiming that Brandon would "forget the incident by tomorrow" and that Kessler was monitoring all calls made to his home.

A comical attempt to communicate with the enemy on their own turf, Hacker9 ended his warning with:

   
“ 		 
"This is no longer a game."
  		„
  		 

—Hacker9, telling /b/ how it is.

Hacker9's apparent claim to fame was an incident over a year ago in which he hacked an unnamed financial institution and proceeded to siphon 5 cents in rapid succession to an offshore bank account.

Hacker9 is also the developer of a top secret NASA anti-virus.

He has also made nonsense claims such as "encrypting his keyloggers with WEP".

Since the above incident, Hacker9 has been on the run, evading police and the government with his l33t sk|llz. A recent stint saw his CP confiscated. Hacker9, however, was able to format the CP before the police were able to catch him.

Hacker9 Gallery

  •  
    Hacker9 has NASASecretAntiVirus
  •  
    His Trolling Skills
  •  
    Admits to liking the CP
  •  
    Hacker9 told /b/ straight up

See also

External links


Retrieved from "http://edramatica.com/index.php?title=Brandon_Kessler&oldid=191990"