Oldest Copypasta

1993: Mahaffey's Pub

Found on Kongregate:

Ok this might be a little long but bear with me here.

So Im at this Irish Pub, Mahaffey’s Pub its pretty cool I suggest you try it out. You receive a card and if you buy over 100 beers you join the club. I was currently up to 85 before I came to the Pub. So at about 10 beers in I had this crazy Idea to order 5 beers at once to get into the club. I down 3 of them and the other two im sipping on. Meanwhile im chatting with this girl I was meeting at the Pub…. bla bla bla.

We end up getting a ride back to my place and watching, The Spy Next Door, which happened to be on Satellite. Movie is garbage by the way. About half way through we start hooking up and we go to the guest room because bed is currently broken. Things start heating up and I have this other idea, I figured lets do two things I havent done before in one night, the chocolate entrance. At first she said no but I mentioned I would give her some of the Astronaut Dried Ice cream we got on the way home as a joke. Shes like, whatever im down to try something. So Im really drunk I stumble to grab some Vaseline. Im not sure how much to put so I just start rubbing it all over, the leftover I wipe on my shirt on the side of the bed and use some to slick up my hair trying to be a badass, no joke. I try to get down to business and she just starts YELLLING. Im like alright maybe we should just keep this civil and keep it in the right hole. But shes still yelling, saying it burned her! I mentioned, thanks baby, that empowers me but im really just average no need to patronize me here. I turn on the lights because she says its really burning now and see that I used Icy Hot for lube. Shes start yelling and yelling I take a look, it looks like an onion ring that I ate earlier at the Pub! I am so drunk im just like what should I do?!? So I turn on the shower and I start smearing it off and I get some ice wrap a paper towel around it and start pressing, she said that helped slightly. She is in the other room right now because shes pissed, and with reason. I figure I should call a cab for her because I sure as hell am not driving, but it ends up I have no cash on me I spent my last 10 dollars on a couple packs of some damn Astronaut dried ice cream at the 711 down the street on the way home.

I offered to make her a nice meal and a pack of some snacks that we got but she gave me the silent treatment. Anyways im just sitting in here and shes out in the other room she says the pain stopped. What should I do anyone been in a similar situation, I dont really want her to be this pissed at me. Should I offer her another pack of my Astronaut ice cream to break the ice or what?

1993: Necrophilia

>From [email protected] Sat Oct 9 13:37:06 EET 1993

this was an anonymous post, i dont even remember where i found it.

I: Introduction

Very few text files have been written regarding the sexual tendencies and practices of necrophiliacs. While most people would prefer to believe that we do not exist we most certainly do as is obvious to anyone who visits a cemetery during our nightly rampages. Necrophiliacs prefer to go about their business alone; sharing is not a part of this alternative lifestyle as the corpse usually wears out fairly quickly. This is not to say that the occasional orgy involving four or five necrophiliacs and about a dozen or so corpses does not occur, but it is very rare. In this file I will describe common (and some uncommon) techniques which necrophiliacs use to gain satisfaction from their stiff partners. Hopefully these vivid descriptions will encourage you to go out to your local cemetery and to join our ranks!

II: Finding a partner

Finding a partner for your necrophiliac activities is definitely the hardest part. You not only have to gain access to the corpse but you also have to find one which suits your tastes. Granted, some necrophiliacs would screw roadkill if given the chance but most of us are more discriminating. Your chances depend upon where you pick up your date. If you have access to a morgue it would definitely be your best bet as the corpses there are usually the freshest and have not yet been treated for burial. They may be a bit chilly because they've been lying in the meat locker for days but that really shouldn't make a big difference to the determined necrophiliac. Cemeteries are a bit harder to deal with as finding a screwable corpse is harder to do. However, if you know how to interpret signs this shouldn't be a problem. If a grave consists of a mound of fresh dirt and is covered with flowers, chances are that the stiff hasn't been laying here for too long. Rotting flowers on the mound usually hint to the state of the corpse as well. Some people are exclusively into 'porking the bone', i.e. sex with skeletons. In this case you can dig up almost any grave and hope that the inhabitant hasn't yet disintegrated into dust. Try to scope out a fairly secluded cemetery for your passions unless you like a sense of danger to go along with the sex. Having anyone catch you in the act is NOT fun, and if you're picked up by a cop chances are that you won't be able to screw anything but Bubba behind bars for the next few decades. People are generally not understanding of the necrophiliac lifestyle, so it will probably be a long time before we can come out of the closet.

III: Preparation

Depending upon where you are at this point you'll have either a little or a lot of work to do. The person in the morgue will obviously have to do little more than to open the locker, pull the corpse out and bang away. If you're one of the cemetery people you'll have more work to do. An experienced necrophiliac is always equipped with the bare essentials: a shovel, vaseline and a box of rubbers. Why the shovel is needed should be obvious, but if the ground is hard then you might need more equipment to dig up your date. Vaseline is used to loosen the corpse up a bit. This makes it less likely for a body part to break off while you're having fun and it also prevents your mantool from becoming too irritated while screwing the dried out pussy. The BOX of condoms is used to play it safe; no necrophiliac should be without it. You never know which STDs your partner had during his/her lifetime, and believe me, it doesn't get any better after the person dies. You can put on more than one rubber for extra protection if it is warranted, but screwing a corpse without protection is just plain stupid unless you want to be the next date for a necrophiliac. If you're in a cemetery try to drag the corpse out of the grave and behind a bush or to another secluded place. Pumping away in the grave may seem more convenient, but it's a severe disadvantage to you if you need to take off in a hurry. Sometimes the corpse is too fragile to be moved; in that case make it fast. Or just break off the head, hand or lower torso and take it with you for added convenience.

Part IV: Techniques

So now you've got a stiff lying seductively in front of you, but you have no idea how to start. How you proceed from this point onward really depends upon what kind of person you are. The corpse will last longer if you treat it gently and with care, but if you prefer to go all out you'll probably receive greater satisfaction. There are many differences between screwing a live and a dead person which one needs to be aware of. Firstly, a corpse will never tell you to get off of it if you're being a bit rough and it will never complain no matter what kinky sexual practices you use it for. Screwing a corpse is also much more predictable because you can raise an arm, leg or whatever and it will still be in that position when you reach for it again. Take the arms and gently lock them in an embrace behind your back, or spread the legs to make sex a bit easier. If you want a great blowjob then lubricate your partner's mouth, lock it to your preferred width, insert and go for it. Although there's no tongue stimulation it's still worthwhile, and it's also safer than conventional sex. Corpses can also be recycled if treated properly. If you're a proficient embalmer you can keep a corpse for over five years if it has been properly embalmed. That's free sex whenever you want it! You naturally don't want to be too rough with an embalmed corpse though as they are more fragile. One final advantage of screwing corpses is that they are always in abundance. Based upon your sexual preferences you can designate a cemetery or a morgue as your territory and always find fresh partners to screw. Plus you don't have to resort to cheesy pickup lines or spend all your money in order to get a date. Necrophilia is a passion which is cheaply satisfied.

V. Conclusion

I hope that this text file will encourage you to go out and try necrophilia. Not many people do it, but that's precisely what makes it so much fun; it makes you feel special! If no living person would touch you with a 10 foot pole then try having sex with a corpse! Some of them are real beauties and it's an experience you'll never forget. There is no greater experience for a virgin than having his/her virginity taken by a corpse. Anyways, have fun and if you have any experiences you'd like to share then by all means do! Maybe necrophilia will enter the mainstream because of your efforts.

Theoderich 8/9/93 3:11 pm CST

1990: World's Best College Application Essay

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA.

I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid.

On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.

I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

1987: Ted and Dave's Animal Fun: Bunny Lust

cDc production by Tippy Turtle.

Ted and David make their living as syncronized swimming instructors. Ted and Dave like animals. You could even say they love animals. In their spare time, Ted and Dave express their immense love for animals in their own "special" way. In this first episode our two characters (mad with desire) have broken into a local hospital where they find their first victim.

Ted and David made their way into the lab where the animal experiments were conducted. A cute, fuzzy rabbit had caught their eye...

The evil duo quickly subdued the little lab rabbit. They strapped the now helpless animal's head to the sex table with hot leather. David had they urge, and removed his pants, which were now buldging. After slipping off his briefs, David tightly fastened the leather straps and was ready to begin.......

David began to "grease up". Shoving endless amounts of vaseline and baby oil all around the rabbit's ass, he slid his purple head firmly into the rabbit's tight asshole. Even though the rabbit was slightly unconscious, screams of pain were constanly being emmited. Ted reached for the chain whip and smacked the rabbit's soft nose until its face was soaked with blood. Now, with the rabbits head drooped over the edge of the table, David continued his sex hunt. His now tingling cock was pushed deeper and deeper through the thick layers of skin which covered the bowel tract. Five, six, seven, then finally all eight and 3/4 inches were plunged deep within the animal's love canal.

David's manhood tingled with every slight movement of the now half alive rabbit. He began rhythmically sliding in and out, moaning with pleasure on every thrust. David worked himself into a hot orgasm. The blood, now coming steadily out of the rabbit's ass with every thrust of David's pelvis, could be heard dripping on the floor. David's rate increased and with a final push, he spurted creamy white love gel far up into the rabbit's bleeding ass.

The blood and cum mixed together on the floor, which had now accumulated a large puddle. Unknown to David, the semen had acted as a powerful enemma for the rabbit and out ushered the contents of its intestine. The stool was loose and soft. It fell to the ground with a soft thud and broke into small pieces. The obnoxious smell caught David's attention, and no sooner had he fallen to the ground and began licking the large puddle of blood, sperm, and stool. Exited at David's enthusiasm, Ted dropped to his knees and also began to slurp the foul mixture.

After cleaning the floor with their tongues, David and Ted checked on the battered lab rabbit. It was barely able to hold its head up, as it had lost control of most of its motor fuctions. Feeling no pity for this sexually mistreated animal, they unstrapped it and tossed it across the room, only to make a loud and deep thud against the wall. Its blood soaked fur left spatters of red stains everywhere it touched. Ted reached for his chain whip, while David grabbed a pair of rusty hedge clippers (one of the many torture devices carried around for "convenience"). They made their way over to the rabbit. The rabbit was struggling for every last bit of air it could, just gasping and wheezing.

"Awwwww. Poor little thing," Ted maniacally laughed. He raised his arm and thrust the cold metal whip down, exposing the rabbit's bloody flesh. He kept whacking and whacking at the furry bag of blood. Then, when Ted stopped to catch his breath, David stepped over with his rusty hedge clippers. He knelt over the rabbit who was knocking loudly on death's door. David took a quick glance at the clippers, grinned, and then thrust them deep into the body of the rabbit, obviously hitting many arteries. As the blood squirted into David's face he moved the clippers around in hopes to find a thick bone to crunch. "Aha! The femur!" he yelled out with excitement. David wedged the clippers against the bone. He opened them wide......then closed down on them with all his might. The bone could be heard deep inside the rabbit, being mutilated. Death had glazed the bunny's eyes.

The rabbit lay dead, a bloody mess on the floor. Its bodily fluids freely surged across the tiled floor. Then with a look of extreme satisfaction, both David and Ted lit up some smokes, gathered their belongings and quietly left the hospital grounds, knowing with confidence that they would strike again, somewhere, soon.

1986: Choosing the best girl

CHOOSING THE BEST GIRL

by Sam

Choosong the best girls for your larder is a rather complicated matter. First you must decise what recipe the girl will be used for, then the choices can be narrowed. Then you must prepare the body based on the use to be made of the meat. Different recipes and different cooking methods determine the age, size, and preparation method.

I know most of you were told not to play with your food, but girlmeat is an exception to that rule. Before butchering, you should put her to good use. Sucking your cock is always great, but fucking her and then stuffing her cunt with your cum still inside her provides an interesting flavor addition to the stuffing mix. Also a well used cunt will be more muscular and therefore more meaty.

The best girls are between 14 and 20 years of age, with proportionately developed bodies. They should be neither fat nor skinny, except in special cases.

Breast sizes should be moderate. Breasts that are too large or that have been lactating will have large milk duct glands and a fair amount of fatty tissue and will not be the best tasting. Ideally breasts should be firm, with moderate sized nipples, and well rounded. Some people like puffy nipples if the girls is to be barbequed as these larger nipples can be sliced off early in the cooking process so that the girl can watch you eat her while she's still alive. Although somewhat tough and fatty these nipples are tasty when eaten rare, dripping with barbeque sauce.

The following recipes require the girls as indicated, although all girls can used for almost any recipe:

Recipe Preferred Girl

Liver served rare or fried with onions Young - 14 to 16, not thin but not fat

Heart served rare or Young - 14 to 16, not thin but not fat sauteed in sauces about 5-10 lbs overweight maximum

Chopped Heart or Liver 18 -20 years old, athletic body

Kidney or other organs in gravy Any girl

Tongue - smoked or cooked 18 - 20, average girl

Steaks - tartare or rare Young - 14 to 16, not thin but not fat meat should have slight marbling best cuts from ribs, butt & thighs

Roasts 18 - 20, well developed body no more than 5 lbs overweight.

Prime Rib Roasts 15-19 with large chest muscles and ribcage, can have large breasts

Briskets and short ribs 15-20 with large chest muscles and ribcage, can have large breasts

Hams and Bacon 18-20 with large thighs and rounded stomach 10-20 lbs overweight max.

Barbequed whole girl 16-18 well developed body, but only moderate sized breasts (puffy nipples preferred), 5-10 lbs overweight max, good fatty marbling in meats and skin can be as tall as 5'8". Cook alive.

Oven Roasted whole girl 14-16 well developed body, but only moderate sized breasts (puffy nipples preferred), 5-10 lbs overweight max, good fatty marbling in meats and skin Best if small or tiny body 5'3" or less Cook alive or dead, but gutted and stuffed.

Breasts - baked or boiled Best choice would be VERY firm breasts that stand high, nipples pointing upwards, on a girl's chest, moderate sized or small (32" - 36") very rounded and that press back when squeezed. Never having lactated. The breast should be sliced off close to the rib bones thus leaving some muscle under the breast meat. Serve sliced thinly cut diagonally, with or without the nipples intact, in sauce.

The following girls are best served as indicated:

21-29 years old - Butched and cut up into steaks and roasts, will produce a large amount of tougher meats which should be used as stew meats or hamburger. Organs (heart, kidney liver) will make good pate's and gravies. Necks will make excellent soups. Intestines will make good sausage casings for sausage meats made from her lesser quality meats.

Fatty or slightly overweight girls - Good for smoked meats, especially Hams and Bacon, and hamburger meat.

Skinny girls - Should be fattened up first if possible. Most cuts will cook best if extremely rare or in stews. Butt roast can be delicately delicious rare.

Tall or large breasted girls - best butchered into roasts and steaks.

Very young girls - under 12 or 13 usually not very good because of lack of meats and the organs are too small, but if gutted could be cooked whole in soups. 12-13 year olds with developing breasts and well proportioned bodies willl be best either roasted whole or spitted on the barbeque. Care must be taken, however, not to overcook. The heart or livers of these young girls will be very tasty just barely cooked and eaten almost raw.

Some tips on dresing/butchering:

If the girl is to be cooked alive, she should be given several enemas and fed only water for at least 1-2 days. She should be flushed out thoroughly (through both her anus and her uretha), all her body hair removed completely (except her head hair, if the head is to be used for decoration), and the body washed down completely. Before starting, a pain killer should be administed (Marijuana or liqour is often effective). With a very sharp knife, carefully open her belly from just above her vagina to her sternum not slicing too deep. Lay open the incision and cauterize immediately, Then lift out her guts and cut each organ off, cauterizing the wound, being careful to leave her heart and lungs untouched and undamaged. If you touch her heart, it may flutter slightly, but will continue to beat you take care not to hurt it. Arteries & veins are a major problem, so be careful not to cut them if they are leading to or from the heart, brain, or lungs. You may decide to leave the uterus intact as this can be stuffed. Rinse out the body cavity with clean water, rub the inside with butter and herbs. Core out the anus and stitch shut, Stuff her belly if desired with stuffing mix, and sew the incision shut. The girl will live longer while being cooked if she is stuffed as the stuffing will keep her heart from cooking too soon. Basting the body frequently will serve two uses, the meats will be more flavorful and juicy and she will live longer. Weigh her after gutting and stuffing and calculate her cooking time by the following rule - Barbeque 15-20 minutes per pound, and Oven roast @375 degrees for 25-30 minutes per pound. Few girls will live longer than 1 hour while cooking since she will die as soon as her heart starts to cook.

If the girl is to be butchered, flush her intestines and bladder out as decribed before, then kill her quickly by beheading or if she has been hanged, cut her head off as well. Hang her body up by the feet and let all the blood drain out before proceeding. If she is to be skinned prior to butchering, start at the neck and slice a thin cut down to the anus and continue down the backs of both legs. Another cut should bemade from the neck down each arm. Chop off both feet and hands (these are good for soups). Carefully peel the skin from the body and turn over continuing on the other side. Leave the nipples on the skin as the breasts are peeled. The vagina will have to be carefully peeled and a small cut made to disconnect the skin on the inside of her vagina. Wash the skin carefully prior to beginning the tanning process. The leather produced from young girls is exquisitely soft if treated correctly.

Next slit her belly open from her sternum to 2-4" above her vagina. Remove all her guts and organs, setting aside the heart, liver and kidneys. If you plan to use any parts for sausages, thouroughly clean out the intestines and set aside. Taking a large cleaver, lay the body chest down and split the body into two parts, using the backbone as the guide. Chop the neck into soup bones. Turn the body back over and split the rib cage in two in the center. Cut the belly meats off first and then using the cleaver again cut the upper body off at waist level. Cut the vagina off complete with the pubic bone and the 2-4" of surrounding meat. Then split the lower body into two parts for the final butchering, it being easier to handle in smaller parts. In smaller girls it is best to chop off both legs at the hip joint and knees to cook those parts whole. The thigh can be left in roasts, bone in hams, or sliced into steaks. The buttocks will make two beautiful rump roasts or can also be sliced into steaks. Laying the chest sides flat, breasts up. first slice the breasts off close to the rib bones and set aside. There should still be some nipple meat if she has been skinned carefully. Next chop off the racks of short ribs and Prime Rib Roasts. Next remove all remaining meats from her bones, the brisket from her upper chest muscles, Steaks & roasts from her back muscles, and stew meats from her arms and lower legs. any remaining meats should be ground into sausages or hamburger. A typical teen girl 5'4", 125 lbs when live will produce close to 60 lbs of useable meats, organs, and sausages.

Some favorite recipes:

Pate of Girl's Liver

1 young girl's liver 2 tablespoons cornstarch 1- 1/2 lbs chopped shoulder meat 3 oz Cognac 1 small onion 4 whole eggs 1 clove garlic 1 tablespoon salt 1 teaspoon sage 1/2 teaspoon ground pepper

Coarse grind all meats and mix with remaining ingredients. place formed in a loaf in a covered cassorole dish and bake for 2 1/2 hours at 350 deg F. Cool and serve with unsalted crakers and caviar.

Breast with Red Wine

One moderate size girl's breast 2 tablespoons butter 2 cans tomato pieces 2 cups small pearl onions 4 carrots, sliced 2 stalks celery cut in large pieces 2 cups red wine 2 cloves garlic, halved 1/2 tsp whole black peppercorns 1 pinch ea Majoram & thyme 1 bay leaf 2 Tablespoons melted butter salt to taste 1 cup girl meat drippings and broth

Quickly braise the breast in butter in a frying pan, just enough to slightly brown. Place the breast in a covered roaster and pour the broth and wine over it. Add tomatoes, onions, celery, carrots and the seasonings to the roaster and cover. Roast at 350 deg F, basting occasionally until done, about 1 1/2 to 2 hours. Serve the breast on a platter diagonally sliced with the vegetables. Serve the broth like a gravy to be poured over the meat as eaten.

Sliced Heart in Burgundy Sauce

One girl's heart, sliced 1 cup sliced mushrooms 1/4 cup chopped onions 1 cup burgundy wine 1/2 cup girl meat drippings and broth salt and pepper to taste flour for thickening

Braised the sliced heart and mushrooms in a pan with girl meat drippings, butter, and onions. Add the wine and stir together with the broth. Add the salt and pepper and add small amounts of flour to thicken sauce just slightly. Serve very hot.

>3/12/86 7:34 pm CST