Elex

Without a doubt, Elex will fist-fuck you beyond recognition in the first 5 minutes of gameplay. I'm not even joking. The difficulty curve is like trying to bungie jump from the Eiffel Tower with a normal rope; it will just snap and break your bones. That's peak game mechanics because they added a fucking jetpack. Oh what? You spend the first hours of the game not actually killing anything and just farming shitty quests in a town. What did you expect, exploration? Think again, asshole. It's time to pick up some weeds in the fucking cultivator fields. Oh yeah, baby. If that's not enough, you also get to pick 50 fucking mushrooms to feed a retard. You can just give him rotten food for a lulzy effect. Anyway, I digress. Everyone loses interest in this game in the first 15 minutes of playing it. If you're not a Piranha Bytes neckbearded fan, you won't stick around. It doesn't even matter that the game is a carbon copy of Piranha Bytes' prior RPGs such as Gothic and Risen but is significantly better because this time around, it's a Sci-Fi reskin. Oh fuck yes! Let's get fucked by LEVEL 1 creeps. Best thing in this entire game, there are no niggers.

Factions

FUS RO DAH!

The Albs

The Albs are the true master race of Magalan.

The Albs are a bunch of sissies. They talk in a goofy robot-like, *logical* (fucking nerds) voice because they're all psychopaths, emotionless but at the same time filled with angst, who can't handle real-life human emotions without throwing a fit and dying. But in reality, they all wish to fuck each other in a choo-choo dick train circle and please the hivemind. Disregarding their Dunning-Kruger effect persona, the pale-skinned drones are all addicted to a potent form of space crack known as Elex that gives them super powers. A great way to cheat in the early game is to empty a cargo jet of elex into your system for some fast attribute points. All albs have names that contain the letter X and they live at the north pole. 

Berserkers

The Berserkers are a group of tree-hugging D&D LARPers who live in the forest and believe that technology is a sin, much like the Amish. Berserkers have the ability to cast "magic" by converting Elex into mana. Now, we may call them "barbarian hippies," but that doesn't really make sense; it's like saying "cold fire." So they have a bunch of laws in place to protect their society from the evil juju albs, clerics, and outlaws who just use their plants to wipe their asses and piss in their mana pools. Of course, it goes without saying that the "Spergers" spazzed the fuck out and decided to plant these giant, huge red testicles that pulsate every nanosecond, weed juices into the soil so sh*t can grow. By the way, this is the canon ending, and it doesn't matter how you play the game, the berserkers always win. They live in huts because it's better to be connected to nature, and they don't wipe because the smell is natural. I have no idea how the albs didn't just bombard them in like 5 minutes since all they have for defenses is harpoons versus plasma bombs. 

Outlaws

The Outlaws are by fair the lulziest mother fuckers in the entire game. Everyone in this faction is out for themselves. All they want is to make elex, take drugs, and fuck. They don't care about politics and think the clerics are a bunch of preachy faggots who can blow their gospel out of their asses. There's a lulzy quest where you blow up cleric shrines when they start praying. You get to fuck a degenerate, unwashed whore from this faction that will blow your dick sky high, but not before giving you the same STD the rest of the outlaw town has. 

Clerics

The Clerics are a bunch of evangelical nerds who wear fancy armor that's basically a mini skirt and some boots. They like to collect old world technology while worshiping their so-called "God" Calaan out of their base inside an active volcano. Scientology much? Clerics have the ability to utilize psychic powers through the use of Elex. Don't worry, all they do with these powers is make you a slave who doesn't enjoy life anymore.

Mutants

Mutants are ugly motherfuckers who used to be human but were transformed after being exposed to elex. Most mutants have cybernetic augmentations for seemingly no apparent reason other than the fact that the devs thought that it made them look cool.

See Also

• Fallout
• Aryans

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