Encyclopedia Dramatica:Article of the Now/March 1, 2024

Final Fantasy VII Remake

Final Fantasy VII Remake is a game made for the ancient nostalgia fags looking to relive those teen years they lost some 60 years ago as a skinny little pedophile, and also marketed to a bunch of murder hungry prisoners looking for something to beat on just to pass the time and make their "today" appear different from the last couple thousand they have already served out.

The original is mostly known for making players cry into their pillow until their mommies took their asses to counseling; Because of trauma from Aerith getting the big ol' banhammer from 🔯Sephiroth🔯 and didn't come back to life like they had expected. Remake is meant to be a retelling of the same old story that works to open it up more by making forgettable minor characters like Biggs and Wedge into more relevant ones and that are, at least, necessary for the plot to advance or, for the more cynical, a way for corporations to get gamers to dish out Shekels for multiple releases of games they have already played.

The entire game consists of the first few hours of the original game (spanning from when Cloud arrives on the train until you break Red XIII out of the pokey and take part in a highway fight - after escaping Shinra.) The most "innovative thing" this shitty retread does is giving a new personality to Cloud, changing him from a whiney-ass emo crybaby and more into the rough-and -eady soldier that he is supposed to be (rather how in the original, Cloud only gets caught up in a Hero-Quest at the promise of getting a piece of ass from Aerith.)

(( You Waited 4 Years For The Sequel, Now Go And Bitch About How Disappointed You Are With It ))

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