Kyle Rittenhouse

Kyle Rittenhouse is an awesomesauce humanitarian, Boy Scout, street medic, former junior police cadet, expert marksman, Grand Master-level shitlord, rosy cheeked young man, all around good guy, Second Amendment fanboy, soon-to-be-acquitted murder defendant, and epic slayer of Antifa-affiliated shithead deviant sex offenders in Kenosha, Wisconsin.

Like any strapping, red-blooded young American male, Kyle Rittenhouse was raised to be a helper. Unlike You, he actually got off his ass and did something about the destruction of his country by leftist faggots and welfare recipients.

On August 25, 2020, when Rittenhouse heard that a rampaging mob of niggers and Antifa deviants were on their way to downtown Kenosha, Wisconsin planning to loot and burn the property of hard-working business owners to avenge the entirely justified shooting of nigger criminal Jacob Blake, Kyle Rittenhouse grabbed his indispensable tool of red-blooded American manhood—his AR-15—and headed to Kenosha to protect the property of innocent people who didn’t deserve lose it all to a bunch of coddled niggers and faggots.

After being attacked, chased, and threatened, Rittenhouse killed two Antifa faggots and blew the bicep off a third while doing an awesome ninja barrel roll and maintaining full control of his AR-15 throughout the maneuver—yes, firing off three shots each of which hit their targets while he was rolling.

Rittenhouse’s perfectly executed, reality-bending, Matrix-style killshots would be doubted by everyone except they were caught on video. Such a deft maneuver has never been equaled by anyone—fearsome warriors such as the Navy Seals, the Green Berets, and the U.S. Army’s Delta Force are absolute pikers compared to 17-year old Rittenhouse’s combat readiness and agility and operational ferocity in Kenosha.

Rittenhouse’s epic deeds elevated him instantly to the level of God Among Men, an Epic Hero equal to Achilles and Odysseus, a folk hero on the level of Paul Bunyan, a bringer of good on the level of Jesus Christ, and a master of self rivaling the Buddha.

However, America having become a land of faggotry, it is now a hate crime to stop niggers from looting and burning your city. So Kyle is currently on trial for murder.

Fortunately, even the tsunami of queerness, weakness, and wokeness that have destroyed the U.S. cannot stop Kyle Rittenhouse from being acquitted so we can be serene in the expectation of a full legal exoneration of this American hero.