Chess.com

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Chess.com is one of the largest and certainly one of the gayest chess servers on the internet. Chess.com likes to boast a membership of six million members, but anyone with half a brain (which is more than most people on that site) knows that about 5.99 million of those accounts are closed, inactive, or sockpuppet accounts of the same handful of uncommonly persistent trolls that this website seems to attract.

Although the name of the site includes the word "chess", the site chess.com has absolutely nothing to do with the famous board game, but instead is an elaborate, closed MMORPG, where the players parlay their accolades and internet "recognition" to advance in their never-ceasing quest to suck the E-penis of the site administration, particularly that of "Kohai".

David Pruess

International Master David Pruess, the only halfway decent member of the Chess.com staff, has recently been forced out due to a nasty break-up with his long time lover and co-worker International Master Daniel Rensch. Pruess has been unable to cope with his new found unemployment and spends his days and nights losing to an Electronic Einstein Chess Wizard in between benders on box wine.

Chess.com and Wikipedia

The most recent butthurt the members of chess.com experienced was that Wikipedia deleted its article on chess.com from its own site in December 2012. Since then, the chess geeks haven't been able to shut up about it, and take this as the most heinous insult imaginable. To the average mind of a chess.com MMORPG'er, their site is an internationally significant organization just as deserving of an encyclopedia article as NATO, or the Holy Roman Empire.

This "controversy" wasted many a weekend of furious internet chattering amongst the chess.com MMORPG'ers, with most of them muttering something along the lines of "I just don't understand it," or "this must be a conspiracy". Finally, since all the squabbling about TOW was distracting the MMORPG from its ultimate quest of sucking the administration's E-penis, the admins had to put their collective E-penis down and threaten to ban anyone as much as mentioning Wikipedia.

Kohai

Here the queen skank Kohai offers a little boy user free premium access for being her bitch. Cunnilingus may also be required, with anilingus optional.

The site moderators, especially the vitriolic English single mom and all around Bureaucratic Fuck "Kohai," enjoy maintaining tight surveillance on their users, reading private messages and banning people at whim, mostly for not worshiping her turgid, throbbing E-penis. In line with its function as a MMORPG, chess.com is the only chess site on the internet where you can negotiate a complimentary premium membership just in return for being a snitch for the admins, thereby racking up your "gold" points or whatever it is those role-playing chess.com users call it.

Cheating

Chess.com claims to have a super secret cheater detection program but in reality any fifth grader with a minimal knowledge of C++ or Python could write a script along with an existing opensource chess engine that would beat any grandmaster. It would take a single afternoon to be ranked number one on Chess.com. Chess.com will ban anyone, anytime, and brand them a cheat with no chance for appeal and no explanation. The main reason such banning occurs is, as stated before, failure to slobber on the site management's E-penis.

Instructional Videos

Here is an example of the many instructional videos that Chess.com has to offer.

A video chess lesson by Grandmaster Eugene Kingston

See Also

• The site itself
• Chesscube

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