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Jake Brahm
Jake Brahm is the unlucky /b/tard who made the then - annoying now - (in)famous "Dirty Bomb" Copypasta.
The Making of the Copypasta
According to the news, Brahmy boy communicated with a man from Texas for the better part of a week in an extremely gay contest to see who could make "a scarier story." Needless to say, Jake proved himself the better man, and won. Or failed. Actually, he did essentially win, he won free ass rape for at least 100 years. Moar on that later.
Spam: The Spammening
After coming up with the steaming load of pasta, Brahm proceeded to spam 4chan with it, forcing it into eventual memehood. As with other forced memes, absolutely zero lulz resulted from this process, and virtually everybody was pissed off at the jackass and all who re-posted his shit. But since /b/ is so gloriously anonymous, nobody could go to his house and kick his scrawny little ass.
This is the now Epic Copypasta in its entirety:
On Sunday, October 22nd, 2006, there will be seven "dirty" explosive devices detonated in seven different U.S. cities; Miami, New York City, Atlanta, Seattle, Houston, Oakland and Cleveland. The death toll will approach 100,000 from the initial blasts and countless other fatalities will later occur as result from radioactive fallout.
The bombs themselves will be delivered via trucks. These trucks will pull up to stadiums hosting NFL games in each respective city. All stadiums to be targeted are open air arenas, excluding Atlanta's Georgia Dome, the only enclosed stadium to be hit. Due to the open air, the radiological fallout will destroy those not killed in the initial explosion. The explosions will be near simultaneous, with the cities specifically chosen in different time zones to allow for multiple attacks at the same time.
The 22nd of October will mark the final day of Ramadan as it would fall in Mecca. Al-Qaida will automatically be blamed for the attacks. Later, through Al-Jazeera, Osama bin Laden will issue a video message claiming responsibility for what he dubs "America's Hiroshima".
In the aftermath civil wars will erupt across the world, both in the Middle East and within the United States. Global economies will screech to a halt. General chaos will rule.
People Get Scared
Slowly but surely, the meme started to disseminate from 4chan. Unfortunately, many people aren't /b/tards, and instead of sageing like normal, they got scared.
As U.S. Attorney Christopher Christie in Newark, N.J., where Brahm was charged put it: "These types of hoaxes scare innocent people, cost business resources and waste valuable homeland security resources. We cannot tolerate this Internets version of yelling fire in a crowded theater in the post-9/11 era."
(Tests on this theory run by /ed/iots 'yelling' "FIRE" on #ed IRC produced many kicks and Ping Timeouts instead of mass hysteria and are, thus, inconclusive).
Nevertheless, unbeknownst to him, Jake Brahm was about to get V&. Party V&.
FBI Proves the Pasta's a Hoax
Pretty soon the feds got wind of the pasta (F.B.I. getting involved because of that fuckin' interstate commerce clause). Because the feds actually know what the fuck they are talking about, they assuaged Mr. and Mrs. American's primal fear of getting slaughtered brutally like some kind of herd animal in a cage. But being the feds, they wanted to know who was fucking with America's collective mind.
Here's what the lead F.B.I. faggot in New Jersey had to say: "For Mr. Brahm, this is the big league. Don't mess with football. And this coming Sunday, the NFL referees won't be the only ones wearing stripes," proving that he is easily the biggest asshat east of the Mississippi, since everyone knows that prison uniforms are orange, faggot.
Enter Partyvan
Because Jake's a faggot, he didn't use a proxy like someone who isn't a complete fucking stupid asshole would. This made it double-super-easy for the feds to come over to his house and ass-fuck him with a party van. He didn't even enter into a 12-hour standoff with the cops (what a pussy) culminating with making himself an hero. No Golden iPod for you, faggot! Right now he's been released to the freedom of Milwaukee, probably to get toasted up again. Also, he's been B& from teh interbutt, giving much lulz to all those who knew him.
What Happens Now?
As of now, Jake has been charged with 6 counts of infringing on the NFL's rights to charge 6 dollars for hot dogs and 8 dollars for 12 ounce beers. In a story strangely lacking in exploding vans, Faux News reported that he was sentenced to 6 months of hard time in federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison, and 6 months of hizzouse arrest. Brahm also had to pay $26,750 for the extra security costs the stadiums claimed after the threat. Being a 19-year old white boy who's built like a swimmer, he's totally going to take it in the pooper in prison.
—Jake Brahm, before meeting his cellmate. | ||
Prosecutors also told the court that Jake was "thrilled" when police arrested him at the grocery store, throwing his clipboard and screaming "Yes!" as he led away.
The U.S. attorney that prosecuted Brahm called "much of 4chan.org's content 'inane', saying it ranged from running jokes to images of kittens, pornography and violence," and that Jake was "the poster boy of what can go wrong" when you spend too much time on 4chan. This confirms our worst fears; The government now knows all of Moot's top sekrit plans to take over the internets and then the NFL.
See Also
- Superbowl XXX
- Trey Burba - another fuckwit /b/tard who was v&
- Breda Highschool Massacre
- Troll
- Football
- Party Van
- /b/tard
- No More Heroes
- The Trashman -Claimed to have poisoned Gerber Baby food for the lulz,currently serving a 10 year prison term.
External Links
- The first chapter in the saga.
- Dirty Bomb Threat Hoax / 4chan on CBS News (Removed due to YouTube's Faggotry)
- Jake gets Partyvanned.
- CBS News video of the story, shows 4chan main page OH SHI-
- One of those retarded online petitions that no one ever takes seriously and therefore do nothing.
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Jake Brahm is part of a series on Visit the Chans Portal for complete coverage. |
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Jake Brahm is part of a series on Visit the Trolls Portal for complete coverage. |
| Featured article October 21, 2006 | ||
| Preceded by HelloISmileYou |
Jake Brahm | Succeeded by Cat |