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Jedi
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It has been suggested that this article should be merged with Star Wars. To find out moar, spam the goddamn talk page. |
Jedi is an real AWESOME religion that is thousands of years old, and actually predates Xtianity, Mithraism, Judaism, and any sort of worship involving dog-headed zebras, goat-headed monkeys, and Democrats. Most people with real lives just didn't know about it - that is, until George Lucas plagiarized The Seven Samurai, wrapped the religion around it like the outside of a Zero Bar, and then foisted it on Disco-numbed audiences as his first fourth Star Wars movie. Lucas made lots of money off his thievery, but it did bring the Jedi religion out of the closet for the first time in a millennium.
The Jedi religion - also referred to as The Jedi Order or Star Wars Geeks - is actually registered as an official religion in Australia and the UK -- with one British parliamentarian claiming to be a practicing Jedi. So far, these are the only two nations on Earth that recognize the Jedi faith, and while the United States has yet to follow suit, the US Government has instead prided prostated itself in having recognized Klingonaase as an official language.
Jedi Religious Practices
Jedi is a beautiful religion that teaches the Ways of the The Force. These ways are primarily composed of playing Lightsaber-Fu games, writing fanfic of the various historical characters in the Jedi Order, and worshiping everything about Princess Leia, including her excreted bodily fluids. They also believe in 7-foot-tall hairy beasts that are as devoted and loving as a pit bull crossed with Hillary Clinton, and each owns *and* cuddles a carnivorous teddy bear called an "Ewok."
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Followers of the Force are known as Padawans, Knights and Masters.
- Padawans: Lowest of the Jedi Order. Noted by either having only seen one or two Star Wars movies. Considered nothing more than n00bs by the rest of the Jedis until they prove themselves. This usually involves proof that the Padawan has no real life outside of the Order, especially not one that includes friends, a job, or at least a halfway-attractive significant other. Many Padawans are also closet Trekkies and/or 4chan n00bs.
- Knights: Have seen all
threesixsevenOVER 9000 of the Star Wars flicks, including the two Clone Wars cartoon movies, at least three times. The first time is for the skimpy plot, the second time is for the special effects, while the third time is at the Dollar Cinemas so they can finally afford the overpriced popcorn and sodas. Each additional viewing is extra credit towards becoming a Jedi Master. Some Jedi Knights managed to hide that they still have some semblance of a real life outside the Order, although very few manage to maintain a stable relationship with any significant other of either sex for any significant length of time.
- Masters: These are ubergeeks who have forsaken all aspects of normal life that might interfere with their enjoyment of any and all of the Star Wars movies, books, DVDs, comics, and documentaries. This includes, much to no one's surprise, maintenance of even the most basic personal hygiene. Needless to say, this helps keep the Jedi ranks small due to lack of procreation. A Jedi achieves Master status when he/she/it acquires a copy of The Star Wars Holiday Special on VHS and manages to masturbate and orgasm while watching it. Currently the requirement is that the bootleg be on VHS, but, with DVD becoming more common, there is some talk of loosening the restrictions to at least allow viewing of DiVX/XViD copies, or, barring that, a YouTube copy.
Having no other friends, Jedis seek each other out in comic book shops and video arcades, and get together in their mother's basements to attempt to choke each other using only The Force. Until 9/11, a test of a Jedi Padawan's readiness for knighthood was whether or not he could slip past an airport security point by waving a hand and telling the NTSB security guard "...You don't need to see my boarding pass." This has since been changed to where the Padawan must now walk through a crime-infested Ghetto and ask the black person "Wha's happenin, Bro? Where all de ho's at?" without getting their throat cut or being given directions back to their Mother's house.
Jedi: A Rainbow Religion?
Apparently the Jedi Order will take anyone, so long as you have no sexual relationship. Race, creed, and color simply don't matter to the Jedi. However, since George Lucas failed to establish the existence of anything other than white people in his first Star Wars film, the Jedi have struggled ever since to convince minorities that they'll accept them. Recently, a recruitment film appeared on YouTube in an effort to reach out to black person:
Religious Wars
Cousins Barney and Michael Jones had been ruunning a Jedi church in Holyhead, Anglesey. In the same city, 27 year old, Arwel Wynne Hughes was running a Sith church and was losing members as the Jedi church was turning his members away from the dark side. Eventually the two churches had a war. This is all 100% true and was in the news. Footage: