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Laura Mallory
Laura Mallory Laura Malfoy is a 37 year old married lady from Loganville, Georgia who's mission in life is;
"Helping others from the terror within!".
What does this proud mission statement mean?
It means that yet another fruitbat right wing bible bashing fundie Christian mom has decided what is best for "the children". In this case what is best is, in her own words:
—From her MySpazz page | ||
Laura believes that the Harry Potter franchise is a source of unexpurgated evil (yeah I said "unexpurgated" - vocabulary, motherfucker; do you have one? Prithee, good sirs, pray disregard my aforementioned statement, as I am a fellow who imbibes phalli into my oral cavity.). If you need any further proof that Christians cant grasp the concept of "Fantasy" it is this one.
Now many fundies have espoused this opinion before. It probably has something to do with all those goblins and wizards and evil spirits, even though by definition fundies actually believe in evil spirits (which they call Satan) and magic (which they call miracles) far more than the average Potter fan. The average Potter fan is either an adult with emotional development problems or a reasonably well adjusted adolescent (well at least one adjusted enough to be able to read an entire book without cutting themselves) who just likes a bit of escapism.
Sadly there is never as much escapism to be found in a Harry Potter book as there is in the hardened insanity of Christian extremism. Also Laura has never actually read any of the books.
God Loves Nutters
Laura does not believe that the Potter mythos is evil because it promotes the supernatural. That would actually make sense and be fairly low in lolcow value.
She believes the Harry Potter books promote "terrorist feelings". She believes this because God told her. Fucking jackpot.
"I am determined to fulfill what the Lord as told me. For I was chosen by him to save this country and even the world from these wicked terrorist (sic) known as the Harry Potter fans and even the books themselves. " - Laura's Blog, Wednesday May 30, 2007.
In this increasingly fervent world of religious extremes it seems that more and more "terrorists are using Harry Potter more then (sic) the Quran, as a tool for their attacks". Yes the sacred Quran (sic), once held to be so sacred that it may not be put down a toilet, is being shunned by hardened raghead killers in favour of Harry Potter and the Curse of Hermione's PMT. Because the books contain "coded messages telling the terrorists how to run there (sic) activities".
To date there have, to my knowledge, been no attacks against coalition troops by Dementors, Rock Trolls, Draco Malfoy, a Basilisk, or Lord Voldemort. Nor have I witnessed any coalition forces using warding spells to avoid IED's (which are not magic, despite their ability to negate several hundred thousand dollars worth of technology for the cost of a pack of cigarettes). This has been confirmed, since according to the highest authorities in Iraq, anyone who believes such things would happen are batshit insane anyways.
I am willing to concede that Dumbledore may look a bit Muslim with his robe and beard.
Fahrenheit 451
Laura has been petitioning the Gwinnet County School System to remove ALL Harry Potter books from every school in the county.
There is something about Christian extremists - no matter how much they profess to love God and Jesus they still sound like fucking Nazis when they get on to certain subjects, and it will come as no surprise to everyone that her attempt has failed.
Maybe it was her suggestion that they could symbolically burn them all in a huge pyre that prevented Gwinnet County from supporting this action. God loves a good book burning, after all. Or maybe it's because she is a fucking fruitcake and US school governors are getting wise to being ridiculed for doing stupid things in the name of Jesus in the world's media. Either way - FAIL.
I mean, Heaven forbid that people would see for themselves that Harry Potter is not real without being told. As chairman of the Church of England's Doctrine Commission, Stephen Sykes, has said, "Children who are capable of reading Harry Potter could be told not to take witchcraft seriously, or might even realize that for themselves."
Onward Christian Soldiers
Laura and her MySpazz friends are planning on holding a number of protest meetings. Like most misdirected Christian extremists, Laura has boundless energy to burn when pursuing her imaginary foes. Just like Fred Phelps' and his army of Jesus-loving but fag-hating assholes (you can love a man as long as it's Jesus - the cock of the son of God does no damage when entering a male sphincter), she is planning to start protesting the evils terrorist codes hidden within the stories written by a British middle aged single parent mother (spot the Al Qaeda connections? No me neither, MAYBE BECAUSE THERE AREN'T ANY, YOU INSANE BITCH!!!!).
Details of Laura's protest action are being withheld for her Friends Only page, which bizarrely includes Governor Mitt Romney - proving that most Republicans are cunts, insane cunts at that - due to all the "evil you people keep trying to pour on my plans".
Sadly if Laura and Fred and their ilk were to join forces and start dealing with the things that truly fuck up America it would already own the Universe and all that is in it.
This course of action would ultimately require them to become an hero, as their brand of "I can do whatever I like as long as I say God told me to and it's for the good of the nation" fundamentalism is right up the top of that list and will die out when its leading exponent retires or (fingers crossed) gets shot.
Why this is SAD
20 Years ago someone like Laura might have got the help she obviously needs. Believing that books about child wizards are Al Qaeda training and planning documents is pretty clear evidence of a major psychotic break. She has four young children; all future kitten stranglers for sure if Mom carries on without some medication.
Also she really, really believes that she can stop Harry Potter books being published and bring the entire franchise crashing to its knees through the power of prayer and because "God told me it will be so". This phrase was also George Walker Bush's reason for massacring several hundred thousand sand niggers, sending thousands of patriotic young soldiers into the meat grinder that is Iraq to have their limbs and faces blown off and giving the next 200 years worth of America's taxes to Halliburton.
God is trolling the Americans pretty hard these days.
J K Rowling, Harry Potter author, is now worth an estimated $1 Billion (£500 Million in her native England). I would imagine with that sort of money she could just have Laura whacked. The franchise is worth an estimated $1.2 Billion a year in sales of movie tickets, books and merchandising. It's okay though; everyone knows that God is more important than profits, so Laura will no doubt win her battle in the end.
Quotes
Ultimately NOTHING I could say about Laura Mallory could ever be as funny as anything she could say herself. Here are my personal favourites from her blog.
—On loving thy neighbour, not cussing and other lessons of Jaaaaaaayzuuuuus Christ, our Lord and Saviour. | ||
—Laura takes a page from W's book on dealing with T'rrrists | ||
.
—Latin? What's that?. | ||
See Also
In Closing
Like many other extremist christian fundie concerned mothers, this woman needs a firm screwing.
External Links
| Laura Mallory is part of a series on people who have slept with Rubberduc 
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Nomadlisa • Rob Levin • Andrewpants • San Francisco • Girlvinyl JWZ • Hepkitten • Bradfitz • Weev • Sloth • Ghettofinger • Battlecry |
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