Celtic

The Celts (pronounced with a hard C, as it is from "Keltoi") are a people gifted in football skills, but lacking in independent countries and understandable accents. They have pale skin and are sensitive to the Sun.

If the French are known for surrender, then the Celts are known for having their land occupied by foreigners. Celtic lands were conquered by the Romans, the Saxons, the Vikings, the Normans, the French, and the English.

Most of the Celtic nations are a a part of UK, while Ireland remains a Third World nation. The Celts were mistreated and stereotyped in Britain and the United States.

Little of the original Celtic culture remain: Their languages aren't mainstream anymore, bishops and the Pope replaced the Druids, and kilts are laughed at.

Ancient Celts

How weeaboos view the ancient Celts.

Gauls

The Gauls were the ancient Celtic inhabitants of France and Northern Italy. They were defeated and conquered by Julius Caesar. The Romans then stripped the Gauls of their pride and masculinity and gave birth to the modern French people.

Celtiberians

The Celtiberians were the ancient Celtic inhabitants of Spain and Portugal. As with the Gauls, these Celts were conquered by the Roman Empire.

Britons

The Britons were the ancient Celtic inhabitants of Southern Britain. Unlike the Gauls and the Celtiberians, these group of Celts didn't fall to the Romans so easily. Julius Caesar failed to conquer Britain twice. The Romans didn't conquer Britain until a century later, and even then, the Romans found Britain difficult to control. Queen Boudica nearly drove the Romans off of the island, and many Roman usurpers used Britain as a base of support. Eventually, the Romans decided to leave, since they discovered that the Empire was dying of AIDS. Unfortunately, the end of Roman occupation didn't result in lasting independence for the Briton. The Saxons invaded and forced the Britons to move to Wales, Cornwall, and Brittany. William the Conqueror and the Normans later arrived in order to finish the job.

Caledonians and the Picts

The Caledonians and the Picts were the ancient Celtic inhabitants of Scotland. They were able to halt the Roman invasion, and the Romans were forced to build Hadrian's Wall in order to protect themselves. The Romans did not want land any further north and so built Hadrian's Wall in order to establish territorial borders. Hadrian's Wall is about 2 feet tall, anyone who thinks it's a military structure is pants-on-head retarded. The Roman defeat disinterest also prevented civilization from reaching Scotland until the English arrived centuries later.

Modern Celts

Celts of the world unite! The best Celtics happen to be Black.

Irish

Real Irish

The Irish are the inhabitants of Ireland and Northern Ireland. They're known mostly for their drunkenness and hard partying. Their chief exports are alcohol, immigrants, St. Patrick's Day parades, and potatoes. Many obese people wearing robes at crystal healing conventions claim that an Irish ancestry has granted them a "Celtic mysticism", conveniently forgetting the huge Germanic invasion of Ireland.

Plastic Paddies

Your typical Plastic Paddy

What America used to think of the Irish

These tend to be the descendants of Irish immigrants, most commonly those found in the USofA. Incredible as it may seem, despite the usually watered down Irish blood flowing through their veins, they tend to be more 'Oirish' than the Irish, and are consequently more damn'd obnoxious, the internet is full of them.

Scottish

A Scot eating alive a puir wee defenceless Haggis

The Scottish are the inhabitants of Scotland. The most renown Scottish person in the world is Sean Connery, who portrays a government agent fighting for the country that dominates Scotland. The Scottish are also known for kilts, bagpipes, Haggis, Whisky, Irn Bru, Celtic F.C, and funny hats. The bagpipes are in fact introduced by the Romans, something which unfailingly infuriates Scottish people.

Welsh

The Welsh are the inhabitants of Wales. Although Welsh is the supposed language of the country, most of them speak English (or at least something that resembles English). This is mostly due to the fact that Welsh sounds like someone choking on a handkerchief. Pierce Brosnan is Wales' most famous person and is known for portraying James Bond in the best film of that series (Goldeneye). He's Irish you retard! Like the Scots, the Welsh claim they fought back invaders when in reality their land was so shitty that the invaders did not want it.

Bretons

The Bretons are the inhabitants of Brittany. Brittany happens to be the only Celtic nation not to be conquered by Great Britain. Instead, Brittany was conquered by France, which is embarrassing considering the French fondness of surrender. Breton is also the name of a sophisticated, yet physically weak race of people in The Elder Scrolls series of games.

Manx

The Manx are the inhabitants of the Isle of Man. The Isle of Man is an itty bitty island in between Ireland and Britain. As such, there isn't really anyone outside of the British Isles who really know or care about the Isle of Man. The Isle is best known for the Manx cat, which is considered one of the many wonders of the world.

Cornish

The Cornish are the inhabitants of Cornwall. Unlike Scotland and Northern Ireland, Cornwall isn't a country, it's a Duchy, and is currently a De facto county of England. This causes intense butthurt in Cornwall. Cornish folklore features stories about heroes and giants, complete with grossly inconsistent descriptions of how big the giants supposedly were.

Not to be confused with

Celtic F.C.

A Scottish football club, from Glasgow. Well known for youth coach Jim Tortbett who sexually abused their youth team, their manager Jock Stein, knew that this was happening but covered it up. This has led to the saying "Big Jock Knew", and in a way, isn't that a great comparison for the Pope?

Boston Celtics

An American Basketball team, all very Celtic looking gentlemen...

Druids

Historically

Apart from being a character class in almost every RPG ever, the druids were allegedly the priests, politicians and doctors of the Celts. Upon the Roman invasion of Gaul, the druids were told to GTFO so they ran like pansies to Britain or simply renounced their creed- however, once the Romans invaded Britain, the Romans ganked the druids by ambushing oak groves where they convened, the Romans finally massacred the remainder of them on Anglesey.

Today

"Modern Druidism" can be split into two distinct camps, both with a rather unfounded attachment to Stonehenge.

Masons

The 'Ancient Order of Druids' is a 'fraternal' organisation founded sometime last Thursday (or, in 1781) They spend most of their time in the ancient practise of 'being brotherly' to each other in the time honoured 'fraternal' tradition of the masons, and in a solemn, dignified, and po-faced manner, dressed in the 'de jour' white bedsheets, chanting moonspeak at Stonehenge at the equinox.

Hippies

They spend most of their time in the ancient practise of humping trees and dancing around at Stonehenge at the equinox clad in a white bedsheet. In general, stoned out of their gourds, having a good time.

Not only were druids never practising in England at any point, Stonehenge wasn't even built by the Celts. This staggering stupidity is the foundation of the religion.