Stardew Valley

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The game itself, looks like shit.

Stardew Valley is a boring as shit farming simulator created last thursday by some faggot named ConcernedApe (Powerword: Eric Barone). The game starts when your grandpa dies, probably of shame from having you as a grandson. In revenge, he wills you his shitty ass farm in the middle of buttfuck nowhere so you're tasked with the job of fixing it up. The game then goes completely off the rails by assuming its target demographic could try to date one of the 12 available characters that live in Pelican Town without predictable results. You can date and marry any character regardless of gender.

The Game

Gameplay consists of wandering around trying to clear-cut as much of the forest as possible to make room for your farm. Because a day in this game is only 15 minutes, you'll race to do this until you pass out. When you're not both enjoying and destroying the outdoors, you can go to town to find the villagers you can date, though the game adds realism by not letting you date most of them. The game lets you date villagers regardless of sex, but the same female characters you can date playing as a woman can still be dated playing as a man and vice versa. This proves the developer thinks being gay is a choice.

After at least 100 years, you might have a decent fake farm and wife if you avoided picking the Beach Farm map.

Characters

Dateable

Elliott - Not to be confused with the Supreme Gentleman, Elliott has long ginger hair and lives in a cabin by the beach and writes shitty novels, he'll even dedicate one of them to you if you make the mistake of attempting to befriend him. He also will rape you during his 10 heart event and tries to woo you with a bunch of fake deep quotes about love like he's a ripoff Jaden Smith.

Shane - Anti-social retard who lives with his aunt Marnie. When he's not butt raping chickens, he is often seen working at the JojaMart in Pelican Town. When you try to talk to him he scolds you and tells you to leave him alone, leaving some players to believe he's autistic. People often try to date him because they think they can fix him or they want the blue chickens he gives out when you become close enough friends with him.

Sebastian - Emo loner faggot who lives in his mom's basement like most Stardew Valley players. He spends lots of time playing vidya games on his computer and probably cutting himself because his family disowns him. When he does go outside, he is usually seen smoking cigarettes by the mountain lake. People often marry him out of pity because he has no friends and would probably an hero if no one paid any attention to him.

Harvey - The town doctor in Pelican Town. He spends most of his time at the clinic doing jack shit other than waiting for you to pass out on your farm or in the mine so he can charge you out the ass for passing out nowhere close to his clinic. If you get to know him he might actually be more autistic than Shane but without the chicken rape. According to his 8 heart event, Stardew Valley is in Russia.

Alex - Originally named Josh, Alex spends his time with his thumb up his ass thinking he can go pro in football (which is named Gridball in the Stardew Valley universe) or lifting weights. His ego is bigger than the black hole at the center of our galaxy, Probably to mask the fact he is a pathetic wankstain who uses sports to mask the crippling self-doubt he hides deep inside. After marriage, he completely abandons you to go to the saloon and watch Gridball all day and spend YOUR MONEY on beer.

Sam - Sam is probably the only reason Sebastian hasn't killed himself yet. Out of all the other male dateables, Sam is probably the least insufferable one out of them. He spends most of his time playing guitar with Sebastian or playing vidya games on a Gameboy lookalike. He also plays pool at the saloon with Sebastian and is overall a pretty cool guy.

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