Epic Incest Dynasty

Josef Fritzl's incest dungeon is utterly pwned and destroyed by the antics of the Hapsbergs (AKA "Habsbergs"), the ruling house of Spain until the 18th Century. A parallel branch of the line ruled over Australia - coincidence? I think not. 4chan's favorite reading material will seem a shadow of its former glory upon contemplation of this glorious feat of genetic endeavor.

Make no mistake, this is not a case of "a challenger appears", this is a case of "all our chromosomes are belong to us."

Consanguinities will never be the same.

Family "tree"

The dynasty got off to a bad start when Philip I married Juana of Aragon, who was already known as "Juana the Mad" and later turned out to be a necrophiliac into the bargain. Juana (who was so insane that she was kept locked up in a castle) was also one of the four great-grandparents of Don Carlos, a prince and retarded psychopath who was also walled up alive due to, well, being a retarded psychopath who couldn't be let near the throne.

What you are looking at is several generations of inbreeding so determined that it takes a few minutes to get your head around it. Most of the dynasty's 11 marriages were between blood relatives, including several matches between first cousins and three between uncles and nieces. Perhaps this chart will help:

Additional details

• Charles V's wife Isabella was his first cousin (their mothers were sisters)
  • Charles V's sister Catherine married another first cousin, John of Portugal
    • John of Portugal's mother was another one of Charles V's sisters and John's father was Isabella's brother
      • The daughter of Catherine and John was Maria Manuela, who later (aged 16) became the first wife of Charles V's son Philip II (who shared both pairs of grandparents with her -- the grandparents were a pair of brothers who married a pair of sisters -- and was therefore her double first cousin)
        • Philip II and Maria bore a son, the above-mentioned Prince Don Carlos, next in line to the throne, who therefore had only four great-grandparents (as opposed to eight) and only six great-great-grandparents (as opposed to 16)
          • Realising they'd gone too far, Don Carlos's family tried to marry him off to two non-relatives, who both backed out and when Don Carlos finally got Fritzled away for good, they ended up becoming two of the four wives of Don Carlos's next-in-line Philip II
• Ferdinand I of Austria (brother of Charles V) married Anna of Bohemia/Hungary, who was also his cousin
  • Their son Ferdinand II married his 16-year-old niece, Anna Juliana Gonzaga
    • Ferdinand I and Anna of Bohemia/Hungary were Anna Juliana's paternal grandparents and also Anna Juliana's maternal great-grandparents
  • Ferdinand II and Anna Juliana's daughter, Anna of Tyrol, married her own first cousin
• The maternal grandmother of Philip II (son of Charles V) was the first cousin of Philip II’s great-grandmother (on the maternal and paternal sides)
  • Philip II’s younger sister Maria of Spain married Maximilian II, who was their paternal cousin (Maximilian's father was Ferdinand I, who was Philip II's uncle).
    • Philip II's daughter from his second marriage married her maternal first cousin (who was also her paternal first cousin once removed), Albert VII of Austria
  • Philip II's third wife was Mary I of England (first cousin once removed, Philip's grandmother being the sister of Mary's mother)
  • Philip II’s fourth wife, Anna of Austria, was a daughter of Maximilian II and Maria, and thus Philip’s niece.
    • Anna of Austria's brother was Albert VII (see above) who was therefore Philip II’s nephew, brother-in-law, and son-in-law.
• Philip III's wife (Margaret of Austria) was both his paternal second cousin and his first cousin once removed.

Notable members

Remember, these portraits were meant to be flattering, inspiring, and patriotic.

Some princess, bald and with huge facial birthmark Don't look into its eyes No, that picture wasn't taken at an angle Ferdinand I of Austria, totally retarded potato-head and famous for only speaking intelligibly once ("I'm the Emperor and I want dumplings") Dat chin Moar chin MOAR chin Most epic chin

The end result of all these shenanigans was King Charles (Carlos) II, whose (inbred) father was his (inbred) mother's uncle, and his (inbred) grandmother was also his aunt. As a result, Carlos was a retard so grotesque that his portraits caused spontaneous miscarriages and turned milk sour. He had a huge tongue that couldn't fit properly in his mouth, despite having an underbite like a clown's pocket, all of which would have hindered his speech if he hadn't been nearly incapable of putting words together in the first place. By the time of his death in 1700, aged 39, he was bald and senile and spent most of the day twitching on the floor from epileptic seizures. By this time, Mother Nature had obviously had enough of such goings-on because Carlos was permanently sterile and/or impotent, which no doubt came as a great relief to both of his wives, and therefore Carlos was the last of his line.

Goodnight, sweet Prince

In popular culture

It seems likely that the sexploits of the Hapsbergs inspired the royals in Game of Thrones (see here) and the twisted family tree of the royal family in the game Crusader Kings II:

See also

• Chin-Chan who could do worse than marry into this family
• Hillbillies
• Incest
• Retards
• The Royal Family
• Spain