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A Man in Black
We're all going to die. Someway, somehow. Some of us are going to rest for eternity with our dicks rotting off below 6 feet of cold dirt, and some of us are going to lay in bloody messes, mutilated by the flaming metal panels that once made an airplane. It's going to happen eventually to us all, we don't have godmode. Some of us use this as an excuse to be Narcissistic assholes; we're all going to die, so why not only worry about the self? Some of us prefer to take that one step further. Some of us value what we say to the point where, despite thousands of voices (no, not those kinds of voices) calling out and proving our opinion to be complete garbage but still having vast amounts of USI to the point where we unironically quote ourselves as sources of intellect.
Hey! | This article isn't lulz just yet, but its coverage can spark a lollercoaster. You can help by reverting people who delete shit, and vandalizing their user pages. See this article on Google? Want to add something? Join us! |
...And by "some of us," I'm referring to the radically authoritative enigma of human sewage known as a Man in Black (or aMiB for people too impatient to type 14 characters).
Swerving into all the Potholes of Life
In order for one to truly understand just what the fuck is wrong with aMiB, one should walk a mile in his shoes (which are with no doubt drenched in his reeking sweat after years of overexerting himself with such mundane tasks as walking 50 feet, but I digress). Just like his soulmate Sarah Butts, a Man in Black had a life outside of constantly shitposting about GamerGate that he chose to throw away for 15 minutes of e-celebrity status. Was it worth it? Well, considering how shitty his life was beforehand, a little recognition as an ally to fat hipsters is worth it.
In his younger days in the wake of Web 2.0, aMiB made it a personal mission to escape his poorfaggotry (which he blames for nearly causing him to fail school, clearly not because of his crippling retardation) and overall unattractiveness through more traditional means: pretending he's a wolf on the internet.
Of course, this embarrassing display of autism could be excused as a phase during puberty if aMiB grew out of his 2edgy4u attitude and bothered to change usernames once in a while. Oh.. wait, he didn't, meaning that after 11 years aMiB has either not fully developed through puberty or is a giant fucking manchild trying desperately to live like his own childhood phantasy of how an "adult" acts. Most likely the latter is the case, he would later, after years of pretending to be a Mary Stu (literal) faggot, try to mold himself to be as "edgy" and "clever" as his other original character, Leo Morales. We still do not have confirmation if he has forced himself to become homosexual in order to become a perfect match.
Gimme Sysops Pls: Rejected from Wikipedia
—A Man in Black, doing what he does best. |
Deciding, for once, to actually try to make something of his life, a Man in Black began to denote his time to help line Jimbo Wales' pockets (it's not as if he had anything better to do). He even clashed with the great wiki autist Ryulong himself to try to deny the existence of the greatest Pokemon evar, Missingno!
Perhaps influenced by the almighty weeaboo, or drunk on power in a website where the community norm is being an abrasive male asshole (go figure), aMiB launched his own series of crusades on Wikipedia that included such innovative and important topics as edit warring about Animal Crossing, claiming that Wikipedia shouldn't cover topics if they get specific or niche enough (and writing out his opinions on webcomics). This earned him a reputation amongst Wikipedos as a "bold, daring contributor." In fact, he had such a following of fanbois he had a totally legit account post a request for him to be promoted to bureaucrat! After getting blown the fuck out by some of Wikipedia's actual good contributors, a Man in Black was denied. He threw a bitchfest and ragequit Wikipedia after he learned that (surprise) people don't like abusive manchildren.
—The more things change... |
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Post-Wikipedia Days
Following his butthurt from being told he was too much of an asshole for Wikipedia (an achievement in its own right), aMiB ran straight towards the motherland of ego-centered pricks, Reddit. He, as revealed later on in a desperate bid for attention when GamerGate took off, used the name PopcornDotGif. But, Reddit just didn't have enough... attention to offer him. After all, everyone there is your run-of-the-mill attention whore liberal, which made aMiB feel not quite super special. He supplemented this by joining the even moar elitist jerkasses at Something Awful, rather recently, in fact, meaning that he jumped onto the ship as it started sinking into irrelevance faster than a Realdoll™ under the ownership of a Quicksand Fetishist.
GamerGate provided aMiB with a golden opportunity to satisfy his craving for attention by posting his inane ramblings to the amusement of some of the most easily impressed newfags ever to grace the internet. Unfortunately for him, he never ventured out proper into the chans, instead sticking to his roleplay groups where nobody would tell him what a dumbshit he is. Of course, in similar fashion to his pal Ryulong (who admits to knowing him on on Twitter), people started to ask "Who is this fag, and why does he spend all day trying to attack strangers over the internet?" Well, aMiB noticed, and used this to his advantage to make the most efficient attention whoring that he could, even going to far as to create an AMA on GamerGate circlejerk KotakuInAction. Wanting to not deal with such alien concepts as personal accountability or apologizing for shitty behavior, aMiB, in perhaps the most clever plan he's ever devised, denied everything and claimed that he's only aMiB on Twitter and Tumblr. Yet, his name, and an UNCROPPED version of his unique avatar appear here, here, here... Of course, maybe aMiB wouldn't need to try to hide his past if he didn't put his city of residence all over the internet. That's okay though, because according to BroTeamPill, aMiB made like a nigger in the 19th century and migrated to Canada.
Some of his answers to the AMA are quite insightful.
—Really, aMiB? There's absolutely nobody else that's spent as much time looking at GamerGate than you. We also totally believe that you're not that ego-centered Wikipedia editor. |
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Now, let's all make ourselves better than aMiB's readers for a moment. Let's actually think about what this all means. aMiB has been using the name outside of Twitter and Tumblr. aMiB is keen on hiding his past identities from the internet, even though being a Wikipedia poster isn't really that incriminating (after all, his fans also praise Ryulong of all people!), and the address is no longer valid. Well, coincidentally, a Reddit account named a_man_in_black exists. What does it post? Well...
—Nothing major. |
Now, we're not saying that aMiB started using meth in response to Wikipedia telling him to fuck off, but PopcornDotGif and a_man_in_black (of Reddit) do have periods of use that don't overlap too much, which is typically a sign of sockpuppetry.
GamerGate Bullshit
aMiB set out to rectify his past of abuse, debauchery, and dickishness with even MOAR abuse, debauchery, and dickishness, this time bringing it into the bandwagon of GamerGate hate.
Methodology
—Typical aMiB post. |
aMiB was, in the beginning, a copypasta of Sarah Butts, but with a little more edge. Both users would tweet in the same pattern of taking a remark out of context, adding a snarky comment to it claiming "GamerGate [believes/seriously thinks] [hyperbole of tweet in question]." However, aMiB realized that his ego was too big for 140 characters, and shifted towards writing Storifies. For those of us that aren't familiar with hipster websites, a Storify is a service that lets its users write whatever bullshit they want with the added benefit of quoting tweets. This differs from a blog in absolutely so man ways! With a Storify, you have all of the credibility and context of your average Sarah Butts tweet with the removed hassle of "customization," "comments section" or any of that other autistic crap.
Unsurprisingly, this means that your average TL;DR aMiB post is nothing more than two or so tweets taken out of context from a GamerGate supporter followed by 9999 characters of aMiB tricking literal retards into thinking he's academic by drawing metric fucktons of bullshit from two tweets and quoting himself over and over again.
Fortitude (or Lack Of)
Last Thursday Social Justice Crybabies wanted to pull 2edgy4u game "Hatred" off of Steam Greenlight. What did the game do to deserve such outcry? Well, it... had you kill people. That's it. Just like thousands of other games out there, from Kirby to Grand Theft Auto you're allowed to cause the forcible removal of data classes from a map kill innocent people. They literally want Sandy Hook to happen everywhere, or so aMiB would want you to think.
aMiB advocated for the censorship of the title. In the process, he revealed just how worthless and flimsy his opinions regarding censorship are by pulling a complete 180 when the moment was convenient for him.
He took this as an opportunity to do his usual task and spill his pseudo-intellectual opinions everywhere, falling for the illusion that people care about his oh so stable opinions. Needless to say, he failed. Hard. When discussing why Hatred "needs" to be censored, he cited CP. Yes, you read that right, he compared the illegal act of photographing a child before his/her age of consent, with no guarantee that the child will grow up undamaged due to the early exposure to having her body sexually violated, to the electronic equivalent of a crayon drawing of Barney the Dinosaur getting shot.
Jay Allen
In solace with Sarah Butts getting doxxed and outed as drag-queen Nicholas Nyberg, aMiB changed his name to conform with #istandwithbutts. Being hilarious, he changed it to "a Man in Butts," confirming any suspicions that anyone could ever have regarding his homosexuality.
This was not enough for aMiB, who craved even moar attention, even if it meant riding the wave of fame from his other anti-Gamers. Thus, aMiB became "Jay Allen," "doxxing" himself by posting a name that could easily by faked. Being the careful faggot that he was, and not actually wanting to risk his personal identity being exposed so that the evil nasty GamerGate trolls could laugh at him, he never revealed anything beyond what's so obviously his real name. So brave.
He used this as an opportunity to parade around Twitter "HEY GAIZ LOOK AT ME, U WANT TO FIND ME, J ALLEN, BUT MY NAME, WICH IS J ALLEN, IZ RIGHT HERE!" Obviously anyone with more than 2 brain cells isn't going to fall for such a "clever" ruse without proof since this is, after all, the anecdote of a sociopath narcissist methhead ex-Wikipedo. The whole ordeal was made to entertain his fans, since aMiB is too poor to ship all 14 of them one baby rattle each.
Stance on Harassment (He's Pretty Chill with it)
aMiB is no stranger to online harassment. He tries desperately to blame GamerGate supporters as harassers of women, but is more than willing to turn a blind eye to the topic if someone he likes is doing the harassment, or even if he's the one advocating it.
Felicia Day Doxxing
aMiB is like so many other crackpot SJWs in thinking that GamerGate is a secret organization made tool for the patriarchy out to get all women in tech. When attention whore Felicia Day, famous for being a living Girl Gamer stereotype, said that "gamers made her cross the street in fear" or some other shit like that. Due to her fear of people doing the unthinkable and *gasp* finding out the address of a celebrity, some troll in a throwaway account posted her address.
But hark! How did the troll know what address was hers and not of her talent agency's contact information (just to clarify, "talent" being a modification to "agency," since Felicia Day is a talentless hack)? Well, aMiB was quick to rectify this situation by posting a street code while insisting that it was her real address aMiB realized what a colossal fuck up he made and would later on deny everything as usual.
We're not going to make any explicit claims about who initially doxxed her, but it was someone who happened to know her address that knew that posting her dox would harm GamerGate, and wanted to get the point across that it was her dox. Again, not saying anything about who could have did it. Whoever did it is a man in the black shadows of mystery.
Bro Team Pill
Not long after that in irl time, aMiB started stalking GamerGate supporters to draw as much attention to himself as possible. This included libel, claiming certain GamerGate supporters were harassers prior to GamerGate and getting away with it because of his army of retards. One day, however, aMiB bit off more than he could chew and claimed that BroTeamPill had a history of abusing people. BroTeamPill told him pix or it didn't happen, and aMiB forgot the one magical key that makes claims 1000 times more hurtful, preparing evidence before making ramblings like a town drunk.
It turned out, however, that aMiB didn't really mean exactly what he said, and went to have a private chat with BroTeamPill to straighten things out. His hopes for the chat? Intimidation and whitewashing. Unfortunately, aMiB forgot that he wasn't writing his puny blog posts and revealed a lot about his character and just how shortsighted the man in black brain thinks and just how well he didn't care about harassment towards men, in the process revealing that he never read thezoepost (which didn't stop him from talking shit about it more than your average IGN fanboy shits on JRPGs). Full logs can be found here, but we've pulled out the lulzy quotes from it anyway to save both your time and your forehead from facepalm-induced bruises.
—aMiB will find and harass you if you support GamerGate, but GamerGate supporters are the harassers |
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To this day, aMiB still has not gotten over the butthurt of getting pwned by BroTeamPill.
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"honest to god sociopath"
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Still butthurt.
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What, do you mean that there are people more important than aMiB?
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STILL butthurt.
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Funny, he did confirm in one of his later articles that he talks with Zoe.
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You can tell that aMiB isn't a native when he doesn't ever say "sorry."
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Even the most neutral voice in GamerGate sees through aMiB's bullshit.
Boing Boing
Under the ingenious pseudonym of "Jay Allen," aMiB turned his ego into profit by doing the exact same shit that he did on Wikipedia years ago, rant, rave, and pretend to be an expert in a subject all while offering coverage that even the likes of Fox News would laugh at. aMiB hates Fox News, though, and if you disagree with him you're part of its rightwing conspiracy. Using his excellent writing skills, aMiB turned to one of the thousands of clickbait sites that happily accept any hack that can write for them if they can write well enough to entertain a monkey: Boing Boing.
We should, however, give aMiB credit where credit is due, since unlike his dog-fucking ally in harassing men he has such varied topics as pretending to be an expert in chans, "How crowdfunding helps haters profit from harassment," saying that everyone that disagrees with him is a racist Republican, and pretending to be an expert in chans. It should be no surprise then that reading any of these articles will result in your brain turning into a pile of gray goo, but this experience isn't new to anyone that takes aMiB seriously. It's not atypical to find such common tactics as aMiB citing himself as a source, trailing off on completely unrelated topics in order to talk down to the newfags that read Boing Boing, or try to be hip young and edgy by inserting random Republicunt hate no matter the relevance.
—...Even if it doesn't make any sense. |
At this time, aMiB has written 4 articles. In case you feel brave enough to tackle the stupidity, you can find them as listed (don't worry though, they're archived so he won't get jew golds from it):
- If you believe that industry coalition is possible, then you are a conservative anti-progressive MRA conspiracy theorist, and you should be ashamed of yourself. The Patriarchy, though, is totally real and is actively working to oppress women.
- aMiB doesn't actually know that much about doxxing, so he gives us a 4th-grade report on cyber safety. You know he's going off on a tangent when he devotes two paragraphs an obscure site like Encyclopedia Dramatica.
- Crowdfunding helps fund people I don't like.
- "They call themselves 'Anonymous'..." We'd tell aMiB to lurk more, but we wouldn't want to offend him with the big bad "consensus," now would we?
It's also not uncommon in these articles for aMiB to contradict himself. What makes him extra super special compared to your typical lolcow is how blatant he is about it; aMiB knows his audience is so gullible that he'll blissfully contradict a statement he made one, two, or even in the same sentence as whatever empty point he's trying to make. With that being said, to spare our readers an agonizing fate of wanting to take a hammer to the cranium, here's MOAR assorted retardation from the articles:
—If you don't believe that there's a conspiracy out to get women, then you are an MRA redpill conspiracy theorist. |
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If you want more retardation, read the articles themselves at your own risk. Encyclopedia Dramatica takes no responsibility for any internet-related suicides as a result of reading them.
Taking Down ED
It's no coincidence that aMiB mentioned ED for seemingly no reason in one of his shitty articles. ED is after all guilty of the crimes of laughing at stupid people and documenting proof that aMiB's friends as criminals. Why, anything legal is fair game on ED. That means that even aMiB could have an article written about him, with all of those nasty words like "faggot" and "nigger" included! aMiB saw to it a favor to the internet everywhere by trying to shame ED.
However, some time later he decided that his hatred against us was so petty and stupid that even his mentally retarded followers would see right through it. He was mighty quick to abandon thread after realizing that he couldn't snark us without revealing some pretty ugly shit about his friends.
Of course, this means that his master plan all along was to...
Wait for it...
It's going to really surprise you...
WRITE MEAN THINGS ABOUT US!
We're shitting ourselves in fear, aMiB, since writing blog posts is the most dangerous weapon in your arsenal after all.
Gallery
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Thoughtful aMiB loves to speak for minorities. For some reason though, he thinks that people that would be "systematically oppressed" support authority. Seems legit.
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Given: Anti-GamerGate consists of one member: aMiB (citation: aMiB).
Given: These people are all on the anti-GamerGate "side" (citation: these people)
Therefore: These people are all aMiB. Best puppets evar! -
Double Standards. Surprising.
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Does he have a storify explaining this?