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| [[File:1eclipse222.jpg|right|250px]] | | #REDIRECT[[Eclipse]] |
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| [[File:1eclipse444.jpg|right|250px|link=Illuminati symbol]]
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| On 08 April 2024, a giant [[Dragon]] will swoop down from the [[heaven]]s above to eat the giant fiery hydrogen death ball of infinite [[cancer]]. If you follow the much cooler [[Nazi|Norse Mythology]] version, Fenrir [[Dog|Wolf]] will eat the [[Sun]] and quickly [[shit]] it out after getting his ass kicked by the [[Germany|Asgardian]] badass Tyr. Unfortunately, if you're a [[Islam|kowtowing rug jockey]] your [[religion]] won't allow you to go outside and watch this marvel of astronomy with your naked eyes, like you should. Most likely, your Mullah will put out an order and demand that everyone come to the mosque, dressed in their best [[An hero|suicide vest]] and pray from when the eclipse starts until the giant monster above becomes frightened by your prayers and spits the sun out of his mouth, failing to eat it. [[Truth|We wish we were joking]].
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| If you missed out on this one because you were in [[Prison|jail]], chained to a radiator, couldn't get out of work, or [[your mom]] was afraid of giant moon rabbits invading Earth, there will be another one on '''12 August 2045'''.
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| == Why This Eclipse Is So Important ==
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| [[File:1eclipse555.jpg|thumb|right|250px|The end is near. If you have a gun shoot into the sky at a 45-degree angle to protect yourself]]
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| [[File:Rahu erde schatten.jpg|right|thumb|250px|If you're a Muslim and were to look outside your mosque, this is what you'd see. Don't believe us? Observe the eclipse for 5 or 6 minutes with your unprotected eyes and you'll see we were not lying]]
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| This is the second eclipse to occur over the Continental [[United States]] in [[At Least 100|106 years]]. What this means is that [[Nerd|Scientists]] won't have to go tramping off to some [[Shit|shithole]] Third-World-country full of [[Islam|terrorists]] and risk getting their head chopped off by some crazed ass sand eater for [[Just Because]] reasons. Also, as 75% of the world is covered in water, obviously, most solar eclipses happen over water making them hard to observe because astronomers either have to be on a ship that will be in that location or be on a plane following it.
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| Having this eclipse happen over most of the Eastern Mississippi region of the United States is a godsend in itself, for the obvious reason that is happening in a civilized part of the world. Scientists won’t have to go to some lifeless desert that the [[Islam|towel heads and camel fuckers]] are fighting over that week but because it is happening over The [[America|U. S. Fucking A]]. Since the US is full of college towns, both community “colleges” and respectable universities, there will be a large number of Astronomers recording and collecting data on this eclipse. Except for the slight chance of a [[Rape|Deliverance style surprise anal sexing]] in the Southern half of the US like [[Texas]] and [[Oklahoma]], most scientists should be safe.
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| The unfortunate consequence is that every fuckwit in the civilized, free world will be podcasting this event and telling us about Aliens and [[Scientology|Xenu]].
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| == What Exactly Is An Eclipse ==
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| [[File:1eclipse999.jpg|thumb|right|250px|What those dirty non-believers want you to believe]]
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| Really? If you're one of those [[Atheist|Giant Terrestrial Land Hydra - Flying Spaghetti Monster]] twits that can't believe the truth when we tell you that a [[Nazi|Giant Scandinavian Wolf]] was born when an [[Tom Cruise|angry dwarf]] fucked a horse, is eating the sun then we'll amuse you with the lie.
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| An eclipse is when an astronomical body is temporarily obscured by a second body as it passes between the primary body and the viewer in what is known as syzygy or a straight-line configuration of three celestial bodies in a gravitational system.
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| After such a nice triple point, scrabble word like syzygy, most of you will stick with the easier example that a giant wolf is eating the sun.
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| == Eclipse Safety ==
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| [[File:Melting face.gif|thumb|right|250px|No matter what you heard, this will never happen]]
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| [[File:BerserkEclipse.jpg|thumb|right|250px|When the sun is covered the door will be opened to the netherworld and demons will have domain over Earth again. You will only be able to protect yourself with a sword]]
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| First and foremost, despite what you've heard, staring at a solar eclipse at the moment it achieves totality is perfectly safe because it's only the moon you are looking at. If there was any danger of looking at the moon don't you think there would be warnings about doing it at night? You can look all you want at the moon at night with nothing happening to your eyes - so how can it be any more dangerous during a total eclipse? In fact, you can even view the moon through a light amplifying tool like a telescope with no ill effects! So how can an eclipse be bad?
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| All this talk about infrared and U.V. Radiation is nothing but lies because have you ever heard of anyone getting a sunburn at night? It has never happened.
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| If for some reason your mom is bitching you out about blue shift, radiation, and other made-up things that don't exist, all you need is a good pair of Raybans and you'll be perfectly safe because they advertise themselves as being able to filter out 100% of all these made-up things.
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| Besides, the reason why no one wants you to look at the moon unprotected during an eclipse is that you'll be able to see the rabbits living on its surface mining marshmallow topping. So go ahead, stare away.
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| == The ED Mythos Regarding Eclipses ==
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| [[File:Black sun.png|center|450px]]
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| * The reason the Diamond Ring event happens during an eclipse is that [[Chris Chan]] is trying to win over another [[girl]] that he has fallen in [[love]] with by offering her jewelry.
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| * Some have said an eclipse happens because [[Girlvinyl]]'s fat [[ass]] is getting in the way of the sun. Make sure you scream, "Move your fat ass out of the way Girlvinyl" at the sky to make the eclipse go away.
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| * The [[Leftard|Liberals]] were right and [[Trump|Our Great God Emperor Hero]] set up his [[Simpsons|Sun blocking machine]]!
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| * Trolls showed up at [[Null]]'s [[Your Mom|Mother]]'s house again so he turned out the Sun and is hiding under the bed.
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| * [[Islam|Terrorists]] are blowing up the Sun.
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| * It's [[Goatse]]!
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| *[[God]] is rolling his eyes at all the little [[T.I.T.S]] faggots.
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| * It's a [[Stupid|Darwin Test]] designed by [[God]] himself to weed out the dumbass, dirty [[pothead]]s and the [[tards|Short Bus Squad]] by getting them to stare at the sun and melt their eyes right out of their heads.
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| * After a 3-hour mathematics lecture by [[Carl Sagan]] on the [[Ouija Board]], it's a predictable astronomical event where the moon blocks the sun and casts a shadow on the Earth. Seriously? Who would ever believe this line of Bullshit?
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| <center><youtube>mRH-URpgZrM</youtube></center>
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| == Eclipse Maps 2024 United States ==
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| <br>
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| <center>
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| {{frame|<gallery perrow=5 heights="150px" widths="150px" class="center">
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| File:Map texas 2024.png|Texas
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| File:Map oklahoma 2024.png|Oklahoma
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| File:Map arkansas 2024.png|Arkansas
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| File:Map missouri 2024.png|Missouri
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| File:Map illinois 2024.png|Illinois
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| File:Map kentucky 2024.png|Kentucky
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| File:Map indiana 2024.png|Indiana
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| File:Map ohio 2024.png|Ohio
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| File:Map pennsylvania 2024.png|Pennsylvania
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| File:Map new york 2024.png|New York
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| File:Map vermont 2024.png|Vermont
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| File:Map new hampshire 2024.png|New Hampshire
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| File:Map maine 2024.png|Maine
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| File:Map usa 2024.png|USA
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| </gallery>|border=black|background=white}}
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| </center>
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| <br>
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| == See Also ==
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| * [[Berserk]]
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| * [[Carl Sagan]]
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| * [[Einstein]]
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| * [[Science]]
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| * [[Physics]]
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| * [[Facts]]
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| * [[Evolution]]
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| * [[The Big Bang Theory]]
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| * [[Bill Nye]]
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| * [[Religion]]
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| * The [[Moon]] obviously
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| * [[Gurren Lagann]] We like the evil moon.
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| * [[Sailor Moon]] Seriously, how could we not?
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| {{Science}}
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| {{Solar System}}
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| {{Truth}}
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| {{Atheism}}
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| [[Category:IRL Shit]]
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