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| {{pics}} | | SHOBOZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ |
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| [[Image:lolbuddha.jpg|thumb|Buddha didn't die for your sins. [[amirite|moar liek]] [[HNNNNNNGGGGG]]!]]
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| '''Buddha''' ([[Powerword]]: Siddhartha Gautama) A chappy in [[India]] who had a look about and thought to himself "this life is pretty shite tbh" and so decided to sit down and have a little think about [[lulz|meaning and purpose]] and shit. After a few years, he hadn't really concluded much but he did find that if he sat about for a long time and stopped thinking about [[life|horrible shit]] then he felt a bit better. Buddha was a [[Too lazy|lazy cunt]] and didn't want to acknowledge the fact that he'd wasted his life [[Masturbation|fapping]] under a tree. So he made up some [[crap|cock and balls]] about [[karma]] and rebirth and begged people for rice in return for [[Unwarranted Self-Importance|enlightenment]]. Over the years the Buddha's elaborate [[troll|trolling]] gathered quite a following. [[fag|Bell ends]] from every corner of [[India|curry land]] signed up, and each brought their own superstitions and ideas. Soon enough Buddhism had evolved from "sitting down and not thinking about [[You|how shit you are]]" to what it is today: a refuge for [[Sick fuck|closeted faggots and sexually repressed life failers]].
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| Actually the point of Buddhism is just to relax your body so it isn't tense which creates pain. It's the middle way between nihilism (not caring about anything) and stressing out or becoming depressed over every little thing. Total relaxation means automatic win, whether you die or live, exist or not exist, commit suicide or murder does not matter. I've seen people practicing this: the end result is their body looks like it's full of space. But this is a mistake. Tension makes people's bodies look like a clenched fist or like Ronald Reagan. The middle looks like the body is full of a very fine dust or fog. This fills you with tremendous bliss. The path that I know of is this: extreme dissatisfaction to motivate extreme effort to motivate total relaxation to learn extreme relaxation. You can skip any previous step if and only if you can verifiably do the next step without the previous. Practicing total relaxation is automatic win, so that's the easiest thing possible. Practicing correct relaxation can be done by using a mantra like "I wonder [what to do]," keeping the mind open but keeping the eyes open as well. It protects you from stress and depression, because you wonder whether you should really get involved/feed the phenomenon, but it also protects you from nihilism because you doubt whether total relaxation is really a good idea.
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| A word from the same editor: I had a long conversation with a 15-year-old monk who wished to remain anonymous. Apparently many Buddhist monks are child-abusing pedophiles! He said it happens at practically every monastery. Not all Buddhists are bad (I am a Buddhist) but these people have to be exposed and stopped! It's not consensual sex, the kids are coerced, manipulated, pressured, forced into sex! And no one talks about it or exposes it for some reason, probably because they feel guilty for tarnishing the reputation of Buddhism, which is responsible for so much good in the world. We need to get the word out on the internet and IRL and expose these creeps! I've emailed Buddhist organizations, called news agencies, and notified the FBI and CIA. Please help expose these guys if you can. Thank you for listening.
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| Noteworthy: For a long time the Buddha would not let [[Wimmins|women]] be Buddhists, insisting that they should remain [[in the kitchen]] ([[Fact]]). He also maintained that [[fag|homosexuals]] could not attain [[Unwarranted Self-Importance|enlightenment]] ([[fact]]).
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| Even more noteworthy: In the Vinaya Pitika ([[rules]]) there is a passage that details the punishment for auto-[[buttsecks|sodomy]] (buttfucking yourself) and one [[expert|BADMUN]] monk is cited as a perpetrator ([[fact]])
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| More noteworthy still: [[some argue]] that since Buddhism does not have a revered deity, it is not a [[religion]], but a [[philosophy]], despite the large number of [[Harry Potter|enchanted guest stars]] present that would clearly indicate otherwise. [[99%|The vast majority]] of people, however, [[Nobody cares|do not care]] about this [[hipster|hipster cult]].
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| == Complete Biography ==
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| Buddha was born Siddy Gaudy, a prince in northern [[India]]. After seeing a hobo, a funeral, and a holy man on the same [[image:JesusMohammedMossesBuddha.jpg|thumb|Buddha rocked [[Jews|Abraham]] hard.]]
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| day, he got pissed and left his wife and kids. This practice of ditching your so-called loved ones for would soon become popular among black persons in the [[At least 100 years ago|1970s, '80s and '90s]]. He joined a group of ascetics, who were the [[cutters]] and [[pro-ana]] of his [[Last Thursday|time]]. He sat around all day listening to depressing sitar music, writing [[emo]] poems about how his [[The_Fresh_Prince_of_Bel-Air|parents didn't understand]], and [[Pro-ana|not eating]] (which is really easy to do in India). After a while, he noticed this was retarded, and decided to <s>just meditate</s> and eat some [[Drug#Shrooms|shrooms]] under a tree. After having some [[drug#lsd|crazy visions]] and [[Shit Bricks|shitting bricks]], he apparently achieved [[enlightenment]] after finding [[furfag|himself]], making him the happiest hopped up druggy motherfucker [[evar]]. He did not, however, die for your sins, because sin hadn't been invented yet and he was too lazy to get off his [[McDonald's|fat ass]] to invent them anyway. Now, he is worshiped by [[leftards]] [[4chan|all over the world]] [[BAWWW|to show their mommies and daddies how trendy they are]].
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| == Followers of Buddha ==
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| Despite Buddha himself being [[Some argue|reportedly]] perfect in every way (except for his brief [[fat]] and [[ana]] phases), his followers often manage to be [[fucktard]]ed [[douchebag]]s. For example, his fans at {{ljcomm|Buddhists}} can generally be found [http://community.livejournal.com/buddhists/1559736.html whining about trolling], [http://community.livejournal.com/buddhists/1541375.html telling people that they're going to hell], and [http://community.livejournal.com/buddhists/1509572.html taking the internet way too seriously]. Other popular online Buddhist activities include creating [http://community.livejournal.com/buddhism/profile failed communities] and babbling about [http://community.livejournal.com/buddhists/1889618.html completely irrelevant shit] for [http://community.livejournal.com/buddhists/1520945.html no apparent reason].
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| Only the [[China|Chinese]] [[azn]] retards depict Buddha as a fatty, since they never considered that living on [[drugs|hemp seeds]] alone and spending all your time meditating and sleeping in the woods doesn't leave you many opportunities to become Jabba the Hutt. These fat [[dickhead]]s often display such "[[art]]" in their [[American]] restaurants, where they avoid the total lack of talent that would have doomed them to starvation in [[China]] by serving the Chinese equivalent of a ham and cheese sandwich and charging 20 bucks for it. Their "Buddha" statues help to support the idea that just because you're morbidly obese from a diet of beer and deep-fried Cheetos doesn't mean you can't achieve eternal bliss and start one of the largest religions in world history. Enjoy your [[SARS]] and bird flu, Chinafags.
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| == U guyz i am ttly deep an sprtual! ==
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| Buddhism is a popular trend among filthy stinking [[Hippy|hippies]] and morbidly obese psychic mediums; owing to the fact that it is vaguely [[Azn|exotic]] and lets the believer look deep and intelligent without having to provide any further evidence. Despite the huge numbers of [[Fangirls|devotees]], most of these incense-reeking robe-wearing bongmonkeys have absolutely no idea what Buddhism is- upon being prompted, the reply will be to the effect of [[Drugs|"whoah man, it's like, and yeah, mystical and yeah"]]. One could attribute the total ignorance to the fact that these are the same people that believe in crystal healing and fornication with plant life, and one would likely be correct. Their complete ignorance of all aspects of the doctrine will not, however, prevent them from ostentatiously displaying statues of Buddha.
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| == Buddha - The Original Emo ==
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| Buddhists believe that [[Moar|"duhkha"]], or suffering, [[philosophy|is the fundamental truth of existence]]. According to [[shit nobody cares about|some fgt named Rupert Gethin]], "The Buddha taught that all life is suffering, and the only way to escape suffering is to escape from life."
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| Translated: [[Emo|Everything sucks]] and you should [[An hero|permaban yourself IRL]]. Why more Buddhists do not do this is unknown, but it would sure be nice if they did. Of course, one reason is that Buddhism teaches that if you become [[an hero]], then you'll just reincarnate somewhere, possibly somewhere worse, and you might incarnate as another [[Chris-chan]]. Buddhism teaches that escape from life is from complete apathy to everything, even pain, and you get that way through insight. But anyone reaching that level of insight would simply achieve godlike powers like what [[L. Ron Hubbard]] claims [[Scientology]] can get you, and you don't hear of anyone robbing banks through [[Psion Guild|telekinesis]], so you know Buddhist meditation does not work.
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| ==ZOMb!1==
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| You can run but you can't hide; Buddha is deeply encoded into the mathematical level of existence itself.
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| <center><youtube>QsWEbx2wOBM</youtube></center>
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| (WARNING: Seriously gay-ass music)
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| == Celebrity Buddhists ==
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| [[image:free_tibet.jpeg|thumb|Buddhism's answer to [[the Pope]]]]
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| [[File:mike reid lama.jpg|thumb|EastEnders' answer to Buddha]]
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| *[[Beastie Boys]] (who are [[YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG|DOING IT WRONG!]])
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| *[[Cadmus]]
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| *[[Kurt Cobain]] (also Jainist)
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| *[[Tony Stark|Robert Downey, Jr.]] (also Jewish)
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| *[[Hidoshi]]
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| *[[Kato|Katō Tomohiro]]
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| *[[Kevin and Kat|Kevin]]
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| *[[Richard Gere]]
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| *[[Steve Jobs]]
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| *[[George Lucas]] (also [[Christian|Methodist]])
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| *[[Tila Tequila|Tila Nguyễn]]
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| *[[OldDirtyBtard]]
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| *[[Chan Ho Park]]
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| *[[Stoner-chan]]
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| *[[Tiger Woods]]
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| *[[Hard Gay|Sumitani Masaki]]
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| *[[The Legend of Korra|Tenzin]] [[Avatar: The Last Airbender|Gyatso]] (The 14th and current Dalai Lama. He is [[Fellatio|praised and revered]] by Buddhists, especially those in his native country of [[Tibet]], despite having ruled Tibet with an iron fist that included inequality between [[Pedophilia|priests]] and [[Slavery|serfs]] and [[Torture|torturing]] those who committed crimes by [[Guro|gouging out their eyes, ripping out their toungues and/or disemboweling them]]. [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F7t2Ztb92mE Enjoy, Buddhafags].)
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| *[[Nevada-tan|Tsuji Natsumi]]
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| *[[Otoya Yamaguchi|Yamaguchi Otoya]]
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| *[[Keanu Reeves|Keanu Reeves]]
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| *[[Chuck Norris|Steven Seagal]]
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| == Practices and Beliefs of Buddhism ==
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| *[[Enlightenment]]
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| *[[The Lulz]]
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| *[[Karma]] (see [[Troll's Remorse]])
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| *Heaven is no longer only for [[Christians]] (see Pure Land Buddhism)
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| ==Gallery==
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| <br>
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| {{cg|Buddha Memes|buddha|center|<gallery>
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| Image:Massive-golden-temples.jpg
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| Image:Body-is-temple.png
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| File:Poop-river-twice.jpg
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| File:Diaper-changes-us.jpg
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| </gallery>|<gallery>
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| File:Yolo-bitch-please.jpg
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| Image:Stoned-buddha.jpg
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| Image:Buddha-hot-dog.jpg
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| Image:Buddha-in-diaper.jpg
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| Image:Buddha-not-really.jpg
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| File:Care-not-monk.jpg
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| </gallery>}}
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| <br>
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| {{Religions}}
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| {{truth}}
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| [[Category:People]]
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