Bandwidth envy

Doing it right

Doing it wrong

Bandwidth envy is a condition triggered by your fellow basement dwellers' bragging about their ungodly amounts of bandwidth for downloading furry porn. This can result in an unhealthy lust for your neighbor's internet speed, especially when you think it could solve your life's biggest problems (admittedly, most of which probably involve an insufficient supply of porn). The amount of bandwidth one has is generally proportional to their e-peen, but inversely proportional to the amount of sex they have.

History

Bandwith Envy started in the mid 90's. At the time dial-up modems were the only option and people with cable modems were few and far between, later the cable connections became available and thus the start of bandwith envy. Asking any player on an online game would forever claim to have a T1 connection. Players that were clearly connected at 56k would claim to have girlfriends in their house downloading terrabites of MP3 files slowing down their T1 connection. In reality these people were attempting to play Counter Strike via dial-up connection to AOL.

Normal men and women suffer from have penis envy, but since penis size only matters if you're capable of attracting an actual sex partner, pipe size becomes a substitute for cock size.

Decline

Due to practically every man and his dog having a fast internet connection outside of Africa and Australia, the amount of bandwidth one has is now almost redundant. To improve latency in online gaming, the speed of one's rig, and the quality of networking in the household has become a major factor.

Example IRC Conversation

No matter how big your pipe is, if you're a douchebag, you're gonna get the banhammer. Reproduced below:

Prima: u suckl!!! 
@Secunda: who? 
Prima: yuo becuase i g0t m0r3 bandwith then you!!!! 
@Secunda: care to rephrase that? 
Prima: i got r0xin bandwith to downolad nething i want!! 
@Secunda: do you have an actual point or should i just ban you now? 
Prima: i'd jsut like to s33 j00 tr'/ sux0r!!!! 
[02:04:09]: Prima was kicked from channel #linux by Secunda (Reason: ) 
[02:11:33]: Prima has joined channel #linux 
Prima: mother fucker 
Prima: pr3p4r3 to be h4x0r3d @$$h0l3!!!!!!!! 
...
[02:21:54]: Prima was kicked from channel #linux by Secunda (Reason: Banned)

See Also

• Mental disorders
• Penis envy

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Bandwidth envy is part of a series on Psychology