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Aurora Theatre Shooting: Difference between revisions
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Utilising the power of [[internet|the internet]] and with the assistance of accomodating firearms-retailers, Holmes managed to aquire four guns and six-thousand rounds of ammunition only sixty days prior to commencing his one-sided game of bullet-tag. Adorned in protective garments that even the most zealous [[FPS]]-[[cosplayer]] would envy, he purchased a ticket to the midnight screening of ''The Dark Knight Rises'' and infiltrated the theater. He then proceeded to walk out through the fire-escape to [[idiot|retrieve his arms-cache from the car]]. Seemingly oblivious to the [[attention_whore|attention]] he had already attracted to himself and apparently forgetful of the fact that he was still in possession of a valid ticket, he kicked in the door before unleashing a flurry of smoke-bombs and bullets towards the eagerly expectant crowd. Seventy-one people were hit during the assault, twelve of whom died; given the numbers present and fire-power at his disposal this is a pretty [[Shit|pedestrian score]] in comparison to other members of the 'spree-killer' scoreboard. | |||
Unable to muster the courage to [[an hero|off himself]] and add another point to his killcount | Unable to muster the courage required to [[an hero|off himself]] (and thereby add another point to his killcount) Holmes was apprehended by the police approximately ten-minutes after the [[lulz|massacre]]. He is now in custody and believed to be wrapped up safe and warm in the well-oiled arms of [[Bubba]] being [[Raped|rehabilitated]]. | ||
<center><youtube>H7oQumug2eU</youtube> | <center><youtube>H7oQumug2eU</youtube> | ||
Revision as of 19:59, 21 July 2012
The Aurora Theatre Shooting (aka "The Batman Shooting") took place last Thursday following our hero, James Holmes, taking it upon himself to liberate the citizens of Gotham City through an act of mass pwnage. Some argue that his 'epic quest' was in reality nothing more than an attempt to achieve the all-time high score; currently held by Anders Breivik. Sadly for Holmes and his country, he came nowhere near the figure achieved by the gallant Norwegian and America must therefore continue to wait for her champion in order to the reclaim the rank of 'most batshit-crazy country in the world'.
Besides aiming for the high score another motivation for the act has been telegraphed by a number of death threats made to critics who poured scorn upon The Dark Knight Rises; fans were devastated to learn that the multitude of poor reviews were infact 100% accurate. Holmes, in an original take on the situation, decided to express his crippling dissatisfaction to other movie-goers and so attended a midnight screening in order to supply them with a trully 'interactive 3D' experience.
—awestruck patron | ||
The Attack
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Gameplay Action
Utilising the power of the internet and with the assistance of accomodating firearms-retailers, Holmes managed to aquire four guns and six-thousand rounds of ammunition only sixty days prior to commencing his one-sided game of bullet-tag. Adorned in protective garments that even the most zealous FPS-cosplayer would envy, he purchased a ticket to the midnight screening of The Dark Knight Rises and infiltrated the theater. He then proceeded to walk out through the fire-escape to retrieve his arms-cache from the car. Seemingly oblivious to the attention he had already attracted to himself and apparently forgetful of the fact that he was still in possession of a valid ticket, he kicked in the door before unleashing a flurry of smoke-bombs and bullets towards the eagerly expectant crowd. Seventy-one people were hit during the assault, twelve of whom died; given the numbers present and fire-power at his disposal this is a pretty pedestrian score in comparison to other members of the 'spree-killer' scoreboard.
Unable to muster the courage required to off himself (and thereby add another point to his killcount) Holmes was apprehended by the police approximately ten-minutes after the massacre. He is now in custody and believed to be wrapped up safe and warm in the well-oiled arms of Bubba being rehabilitated.
Aftermath of the Lulzfest
The Man Behind the Gasmask
Those acquainted with Holmes overwhelmingly mentioned how quiet and reclusive he had been, suggesting that he was strongly familiar with the darker corners of the Internet. While the man had been enrolled in a Neuroscience PhD program, he had recently dropped out (and subsequently spent hours training for action on Call of Duty).
Apparently Holmes had created an Adult Friend Finder account prior to the attack in which he was dressed as The Joker. On this account he asked for a fuck buddy who'd visit him in prison. Luckily for Holmes, his sexual impulses will probably be handled by his future cellmate.
Although Holmes was a quiet neighbor, police found that his apartment was filled to the brim with booby traps. This suggests that, instead of being batshit insane, Holmes is simply a Libertarian trying to protect himself from the long arm of The Man.
Motive
Although Holmes most likely did it for the lulz, others argue that he did it because he was saving the residents of Gotham City. Because he's the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we'll hunt him, because he can take it. Because he's not the hero. He's a silent guardian, a watchful protector... a Dark Knight.
Skip to 2:00
The Media Reacts
As per usual, old media decided to molest this story until it was put into foster care. Profound questions have been posed, such as 'did film violence cause this to happen?', and 'should we be exposing children to violent media?'. Of course, within a week this parent-baiting rabble will be abandoned as a new violent news story grips the attention of the public masses.
The Community Reacts
Judging by the following photographic documentation, not everyone was "devastated" by the incident; some managed to laugh their way through the entire ordeal whilst others were just hanging around waiting for the next showing...
See also
