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| <br>[[Image:Jesus Fucking Christ.jpg|400px|center|Jesus Fucking Christ]]
| | Jesus is our savior. He died for our sins. But it was in vain, because Encyclopedia Dramatica exists. |
| {{ib|[[File:JesusSwastika.jpg]]|300px}}
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| {{Ibhead|''I AM THE PROPHET OF GOD!''}}
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| {{Ibhead|<big>'''Jesus Fucking Christ'''</big>}}
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| {{Ibrow|'''Born'''|{{strike|Year Zero}} 4BC (age {{strike|2019}} 2023 in 2019)}}
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| {{Ibrow|'''Nationality'''|{{jew}}}}
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| {{Ibrow|'''Occupation'''|Shepherd, Carpenter, Magician, Gigolo.}}
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| {{Ibrow|'''Religion name'''|''Christianity''}}
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| {{Ibrow|'''Preceded by'''|[[Buddha]]}}
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| {{Ibrow|'''Followed by'''|[[Muhammad]]}}
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| {{Ibrow|'''Current location'''|Turin, Italy}}
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| {{Ibrow|'''Nicknames'''|
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| *Jesus Fucking Christ
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| *Jesus of Nazareth
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| *The Son
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| *Emmanuel
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| *Jeez
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| *Jeshua
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| *Jesus "The First Coming" Christ
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| *Jesus "Messiah" Christ
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| *Jesus "Captain Miracle" Christ
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| *Jesus "Floaty Toes" Christ
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| *Jesus "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME YOU LITTLE BITCH" Christ
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| }}
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| {{Ibend}}
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| [[Image:FatJesusParade.png|thumb|[[IRL]] What Jesus Most Likely Looked Like]]
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| [[Image:If You're Jesus....jpg|200px|right]]
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| [[Image:Ossama Jesus.jpg|thumb|right|It's revealed! [[Ossama]] was Jesus in disguise after all! This is further proof that JEWS DID WTC]]
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| [[Image:AnnGordonDebbieBaxterJesusChristTheTrialRule34ChickTract.png|thumb|right|[[Chick tracts]] regularly feature Jesus as well as little girls that he teaches.]]
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| '''Jesus Fucking Christ{{Jew}}''' is proof that [[Kike]]s will [[torture]] one of their own to death via [[BDSM]] [[guro]] [[Hentai]], with the help of well-paid [[Roman Empire|Roman]] gangsters, just to preserve ownership of their [[Jew gold]].
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| Jesus (also known as "Jizz-ass" or [[powerword|Yeshua bar Yehosef]]) was a deeply deluded Heretic Jew (also known as [[Communist]]) who went insane at the age of 30, leaving his job as a carpenter and living as a [[liberal]] hobo sponging off others along with 12 crazy cultists for the next three years, finally committing suicide by cop to bring about the [[divide by zero|End of the World]]. Probably the son of [[Joseph]], the main character of the sequel to the Jew Bible, and also known as "[[bullshit|The Perfect Man]]", [[Jesus]] was even more successful than Harry Potter (but not as powerful or swarming in pussy) and one could even say that he performed the role of Luke Skywalker for 1900+ years. He will be forever remembered in the Mediterranean Literature Hall of Fame and number 1 in Romantic Pocket Novels.
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| According to the Bible, [[Jesus]] was [[God]]'s magic flying [[Fact|pinko commie]] Jew son, who could [[zombie|rise from the dead]] as [[Socialist]]s do. He was featured as a [[Mary Sue]] character in a shitty Jewish [[slashfic]] called the [[Bible]], even though all he did was [[troll]] on ppl [[IRL]], and eventually got killed for pissing everybody off ''(See [[Trolling|Trolling]])''. He has also inspired a [[Christianity|freaky fetish]] around him, and was the inspiration for the [[Crusades]], the [[Spanish Inquisition]], and the [[Holocaust]].
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| The most [[lulzy|amuzing]] part of it all, is that [[Christians|the very same people that nowadays worship him fanatically]], having they lived in his times, [[truth|would have mocked, persecuted and even killed him for challenging the establishment of society.]]
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| {{Quote|Jesus saves but it's Jesús that pours concrete}}
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| == Life and miracles of the father of all [[trolls]]; read and learn ==
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| === Nativity: The birth of a [[troll]] ===
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| [[File:Jesus has two daddies.gif|right]]
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| [[Image:Lorenzo Lotto Nativity j3.jpg|thumb|right| mmmmh, delicious free meal]]
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| [[Image:Gay abortion.jpg|thumb|right|...ummm, could just eat a pussy, fuck her in the ass. You're just trying to be provocative, mate.]]
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| Coincidentally born on [[Christmas]] day in the year 0 D.C.(During Christ) to Mary. According to the recently unearthed Gospel of Mary, Mary revealed all of her sexual exploits. It turns out that Mary was the local slut who had a thing for black guys. Most mornings she would wake up in public housing, sucking dat delicious dark chocolate. It turns out that God choose her because he thought her ironic nickname, Virgin Mary, was true. After a disappointing night with God she married the clueless Joseph and began making pregnancy porn to pay the bills. After giving birth she gave each Wiseman a blowjob, except Bathazar, who was gay and spent all night trying unsuccessfully to scam on Joseph. Mary also included various drawings of different sexual positions and records of her sluttiest acts. For instance most loads of cum swallowed in a night was 20. After Jesus went out and was a prophet, Satan showed up and started flirting with Mary. Mary (now married to God) agreed to a quick handjob, But Satan tricked her and covered her face in jizz. After tasting some of it, Mary needed more and started deepthroating the devil's dick. Now that Satan had Mary seduced he asked for anal, to which Mary happily agreed. After a "life-changing" assplowing, Mary let Satan go to town on her pussy. After the fuckfest was over Satan asked Mary to come to Hell, where she could suck all the dick she wanted. Mary agreed but realized she had to trick God into letting her go. She told God she was going to Hell to try and save the damned. God agreed and Mary ran down to Hell and had a bukkake session with all the demons. She lived in Hell as the local slut, until Jesus was crucified. When he descended into Hell he found his mom, covered in cum, sucking Satan's balls. According to the gospel of Mary she stayed in Hell during those three (3) days and fucked other demons while Satan coerced Jesus to follow in his mother's footsteps. After that Mary said she went back to giving Satan blowjobs 24/7, she only leaves to fuck black guys. According to the Gospel of Mary, Jesus came back to Hell to be Satan's bitch, so Mary and Jesus share Satan. God thinks Mary is working hard in Hell (not entirely inaccurate) but is disappointed by his gay son. Mary, like Jesus now lives off a diet of cum. It's great for Mary's teeth and Jesus' confidence. The gospel ends with Mary including 666 photo albums of Mary fucking, sucking, and swallowing the denizens of Hell, 13 pornos and an additional 666 albums of Jesus doing to same. If we go by the note written in the back of the book Mary wants to send this to God to cuckold him, and says that right now, she is swallowing Satan's hot, sticky delicious cum while he rubs his balls all over her face. According to local legend, Jesus (pronounced "Hay-soos") was born in Bethlehem (meaning "house of bread" in both Arab and Hebrew, one more reason for [[Catholics]] to now eat their god) in a barn (more reasons) and then placed in a manger (even [[moar]] reasons) because his cheated step-dad, Joseph, was too Jew to get a room for his 9 month pregnant slut wife. Rumor says Mary and Joseph were about to eat their new-born dinner when they were interrupted by three guys that [[drugs|had followed a bright alien space ship]] to Bethlehem and proceed to gave Jesus [[gold]], [[incest]], and [[cum|embalming fluids]].
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| Little is known of Jesus' childhood, but he was probably pretty stuck up and liked to mess with people's heads given that he was the [[Serious business|Son of God]]. But according to the [[fanfic|Infancy Gospel of St Thomas]], the young Jesus once killed a boy for beating him in a race and caused an entire village to go blind <s>for not recognizing his divinity</s> [[for the lulz]].
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| ==== Other theories ====
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| According to the Talmud, the book written by the Pharisees (the modern Rabbis), [[Jesus]] was born of an [[rape|'non-consensual relation']] between Mary and a Roman soldier named Panthera, who was a [[German]] mercenary, which would explain his innate [[nazi|hatred for the Jews]].
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| Another theory put by John the Evangelist, is that Jesus was the incarnation of the ''Logos'', a word which is a [[corruption of LOL]], therefore, a correct translation would be:
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| {{tinyquote|
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| In the beginning was the [[Lulz]], and the [[Lulz]] was with God, and the [[Lulz]] was God [...] The [[Lulz]] became flesh and made his [[trolling]]s among us.|John 1
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| }}
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| === Ministry: The [[trolling]] begins ===
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| [[Image:Frog sermon.jpg|thumb|Jesus telling his disciples to [[GTFO]]]]
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| As an adult, [[Jesus]] became something between a homeless vagabond and a New Age guru, and is widely considered to be the first [[hippie]]. He taught [[Plur|peace, love, unity, and respect]], thereby making him the first [[raver]] also, and that people should live without many possessions—and the possessions they did have they should be open to sharing them—which also made him the first [[commie]] and [[race traitor]]. He had a group of [[fanboys]] called the Apostles who followed him around trying to look cool, but Jesus really thought they were all pretentious [[hipsters]] [[fact|that didn't understand a shit of what was teaching]].
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| [[Image:Christpunch.jpg|thumb|left|32 AD: Jesus preaching his message of love.]]
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| [[Jesus]] usually travelled from [[forum|town]] to [[forum|town]], telling [[user|the people]] that they were [[doing it wrong]] and saying [[Flamer|the exact opposite thing they expected him to say]]. This caused much trouble with the [[Mods|Pharisees]] and [[Admins|Sadducees]] and caused his [[banning|rejection]] many times. He once narrowly escaped [[permaban|death]] in [[ED Forums|his own town]].
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| Other notable events include:
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| * The [[Occupy Wall Street|Occupation of the Temple of Jerusalem]], where he began [[BDSM|flagelling]] [[Jews|money changers]], calling them '[[truth|brood of vipers]]'.
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| [[Image:The-last-shooper.jpg|thumb|right|The Last [[Shoop]]er]]
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| * The [[Last Thursday|Last Supper]], where he literally gave '[[penis|his body]]' to his disciples [[blowjob|to eat]] and his [[blood]] and [[vampire|to drink]]. [[Catholics]] reenact this every Sunday, if possible [[pedo|with little children]].
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| === Crucifixion: [[Trolls trolling trolls]] ===
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| '''TL;DR [[Jews did WTC|Jews did Jesus]]'''
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| ''Although there is no consensus about who is to blame for the act of douchery, it is easy to see that along with all the other atrocities in the world's history (including the invention of [[gay|ZIMA]] and [[rape|''The View'']]), it's the Jews' fault. The motives for this [[pwnage]] [[butthurt|seem obvious]], but over the last few years we have learned about the culture of these ''Seinfeld''-worshiping kikes and further evidence points to the fact that these fuckers probably [[did it for the lulz|<s>did it simply for teh lulz</s>]] did it for teh [[Jew gold]].
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| <center>'''Representation of the crucifixion by the Israeli TV:'''</center>
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| <center><youtube>9RY83mAr5uA</youtube></center>
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| [[Image:christclap342.jpg|thumb|260px|left|Well?!?]]
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| [[Image:Jesus-owned.jpg|right|thumb|Cut your hair and get a job, you [[hippy]]!]]
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| '''Teh fax:'''
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| In 33 AD (After [[Drama]]) [[Jesus]] became [[an hero]] when he pissed the [[Jew]] leaders for telling the [[truth]] about their [[greed]], [[hypocrisy]], [[lies]] and Jewishness in general. They then proceed to bribe one of his disciples, Jewedus, to betray him for 30 irresistible [[Jew golds]].
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| Being [[Israel|too pussies to kill him personally]] they manipulated the [[USA|Roman governor]] to [[Iraq|do the dirty job]] by telling that [[Saddam Hussein|Jesus]] was [[terrorist|plotting against them]].
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| {{tinyquote|Let his blood be upon us and upon our children!
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| |Over 9000 Jews '''PROTIP''' ''Don't forget to lick every blood-coated Jew every time you meet one, so Jesus may be in you''}}
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| The Romans proceeded to nail him to a piece of wood (hence the moniker "Shit on a stick") on a with a banner that read '''I.N.R.I''' which is the Latin acronym for [[IDIFTL]]. Two hundred eye witnesses to Jesus' crucifixion claim they witnessed [[Jesus]] having an [[S&M|erection]]. After a few hours, he [[death|died]]. [[Goodnight sweet prince]] (lol [[pwned]]).
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| After that, the [[Jews]] tried to [[Holocaust]] the early [[christians]], but were [[fail|just as successful]] as their future [[nazis|summer camp monitors]].
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| ==== ZOMG conspiracy!!11! ====
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| According to the Bible, though, the [[Jews]] killed [[Jesus]] as a human sacrifice to [[Satan|Yahweh]] to lift some curse on them. [[Satan|Yahweh]] loves blood sacrifices since the time when Abel gave him the first blood offering and [[Satan|Yahweh]] rebuffed Cain's plant offering. In return for the Jews killing [[Jesus]] as a human sacrifice, he made all Jews rich and gave them control of all the banks and the media. Though as [[Satan|Yahweh]] never has enough of innocent blood Jews have to satisfy him with continious secret human sacrifices that they perform with Christian babies all the time—it's true! Ask [[Iran]] or [[Mel Gibson]]! or with massive human sacrifice such as when [[9/11|the Jews flew remote-controlled airplanes into the twin towers and then collapsed the buildings with mini hydrogen bombs]].
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| [[Whitey|Europeans]] have never been able to forgive the Jews for unleashing their [[Christianity|proselytist Jewish sect]] upon them, despite all recent [[Holocaust|efforts of redemption]].
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| To all [[Christians]], since Jesus died to redeem your sins, [[Irony|you should thank the Jews for making this happen]].
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| [[Image:Jesus Zombie lulz.gif|thumb|left|Technically, all Christians are [[necrophilia]]cs.]]
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| [[Image:Supersaiyanjesus.jpg|thumb|right|Christ achieved super saiyan status just before the Ascension.]]
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| [[Image:JesusAus.jpg|thumb|right|Christ was later sighted hiding out in a village in Western Australia.]]
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| [[Image:Jesus Impersonator Fail.gif|thumb|right|Fuck [[Science]]: Jesus gets owned by gravity]]
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| === Resurrection: [[And nothing of value was lost]] ===
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| [[Image:jesuseasterbunny.jpg|thumb|right| Easter: behind the scenes]]
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| According to the Bible, Jesus rose from the [[dead]]. But before that he spent three days in Hell as Satan's personal cumdumpster. During this time Jesus lost his gag reflex and acquired the taste of Satan's jizz. The Bible says this because the Apostles stole the body, and then trolled everyone that they'd all seen him and he'd risen from the dead- honest! Billions bought, and still buy this massive troll!
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| Modern [[Christians]] celebrate this by telling their [[children]] a giant bunny rabbit left chocolate eggs in the night.
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| [[Some argue]] that this 'happy ending' is [[fake]] and was added by [[church|the publishers]] in order to obtain a PG-13 rating and thus expand the potential audience to cover [[13 year-old boy]]s and [[16-year-old girl]]s and get maximum [[profit]].
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| == Lulzy quotes from Jesus ==
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| === Regarding his intentions ===
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| ''Are you sure [[you]] don't want to follow his commandments?''
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| {{quote|Men think, perhaps, [[unrealistic expectations|that it is peace which I have come to cast]] upon the world. They do not know that [[troll|it is dissension which I have come to cast]] upon the earth: [[flamewar|fire]], [[Epic Sword Guy|sword]], and [[edit war|war]].|L16, Gospel of Thomas}}
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| === Regarding family love ===
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| ''Remember them to your closest [[Christfag]] family [[for great justice]]''
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| {{quote|For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; and a man's foes will be those of his own household.|Matthew 10:35}}
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| {{quote|Whoever does not hate his father and his mother cannot become a disciple to Me. And whoever does not hate his brothers and sisters and take up his cross in My way will not be worthy of Me.|Matthew 36-37}}
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| === Regarding [[self injury|self-mutilation]] ===
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| ''If you want to be a true Christian, follow the example of [[Emo Cutter Girl|this pious believer]]''
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| {{quote|If [[porn|your right eye causes you to sin]], gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if [[masturbation|your right hand causes you to sin]], cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.|Matthew 5:29}}
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| === Regarding [[Jews]] ===
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| ''This is just a taste of the dozens of [[anti-semitic]] rants in the Gospels''
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| {{quote|... but you have [[hypocrite|become like the Jews]], for they (either) love the tree and hate its fruit or love [[Jew gold|the fruit]] and hate the tree.|L43 Gospel of Thomas}}
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| === Regarding [[Bestiality]] ===
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| ''Your sister and the donkey show she does for free.''
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| {{quote|... He Said unto his disciples, for it is hard for one who is without lube to enter the sheeps anus. For I once was fingered by a lepar, he is still inside me.|Chapter 2 Gospel of Jizzalot CockThrobbington}}
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| === Regarding [[Divorce]] ===
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| ''Anyone who divorces and remarries will go to hell.''
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| {{quote|whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery..|Mt 5:32}}
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| {{quote|Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.|Mt 19:9}}
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| {{quote|Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, committeth adultery against her. And if a woman shall put away her husband, and be married to another, she committeth adultery.|Mk 10:11-12}}
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| The thing that makes these quotes lulzy is that churches tend to be full of divorced and remarried people, and every one of them (the women, particularly) will tell you that Jesus personally said it was ok in their special case. When you speak to a divorced an remarried christian, you are speaking to someone who does not really believe the bible, despite what they say and like to think.
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| == New Testament: The Great [[edit war]] ==
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| [[Image:First council of Nicea.jpg|thumb|right|[[Nerds]] and [[basement-dweller]]s of all the world [[Con|gathered]] to discuss [[shit nobody cares about]].]]
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| The life and times of [[Jesus]] were recorded much like a [[Wikipedia]] article, that is, biased. Nearly all the work was done by his four biggest [[fanboy]] editors—[[Matthew Shepard|User:Matthew]], [[Mark Foley|User:Mark]], [[Jedi|User:Luke]] and [[John Bolton|User:John]]—shortly after his death. Later, arguing [[vandalism]] by the Gnostics, the article was protected by a [[basement-dweller]] [[admin]] named Peter. Massive [[talk page]]s named councils were held, and the approved version of the text became the ''New Testament'' [[canon]]. Then, any content considered unsourced, [[original research]], or simply not according to their view was [[baleeted]] and the editors [[banned]]. Being [[butthurt]] about this, many editors continued to write their own accounts of the events, eventualy creating what is now called the ''Apochrypha'', which is like the [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]] of the [[Bible]], that is, full of [[truth]], [[drama]] and, ultimately, [[lulz]].
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| It's generally agreed outside the circle of lunatic evangelical fanatics that Mark wrote his book first, and that Matthew and Luke plagiarized it and inserted a bunch of irrelevant shit from another common source. This is why, for instance, both Matthew and Luke include passages like the Lord's Prayer but have it at completely different points in the narrative. It's why they both have a birth story and an after-the-crucifixion story, but the stories don't line up with one another.
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| The earliest christian writers (eg: the books actually written by Paul) don't mention any of the events of Jesus' life (Nazareth, the preaching, the miracles, the trial before pilate); don't mention his preaching or cite him as an authority; Paul's entire message is that Jesus is coming soon - never that he's already been; all leading people to suspect that Mark's gospel was itself a work of fiction, mainly cribbed from the Homeric epics (the Oddesey and bits from the death of Hector), and written after christianity had already become thing.
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| The Gospel of John is straight-up propaganda, mainly written to answer the gnostics much later.
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| ==== Marketing ====
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| Initial sales were stagnant, however, and so after conducting numerous focus groups and hiring many expensive consultants, the title was changed to ''Jesus: The Reckoning''. Subsequent sales skyrocketed, thereby propelling the publisher—[[Catholic]] Church, Inc.—into global prominence.
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| Today, with [[Jesus]] [[fandom]] on the wane, ''The Reckoning'' is typically published as an anthology in conjunction with the so-called "Old Testament". This saves on printing costs, and has served to bolster sales, though one may still need to order the book at [[Amazon]] since many bookstores have stopped carrying it.
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| The last part of the book, called ''Revelations'', talks of the [[Catnarok|Armageddon]], where [[God]] [[pwns]] and gets all the [[IDIFTL|lulz]].
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| == Is [[ED]] the second coming of Christ? ==
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| '''YES'''
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| First of all, [[ED]] appeared more or less 2000 years after the nativity of Jesus, at around the same month, December. Like [[Jesus]], it was attacked by [[Wikipedia|people]] that could not understand its [[trolling|hidden wisdom]]. Both had a [[Jews|common enemy]], and like Christ, it was betrayed by [[Girlvinyl|one of its closest followers]] because of [[Jew gold|the same thing]]. After its death (both in April], appeared [[Ohinternet|false prophets]] but it [[encyclopediadramatica.rs|resurrected]] to [[Lulz|restore the true message]].
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| == The American Jesus ==
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| [[Image:Jesus vs. Jeezus.jpg|550px|center]]
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| <br />
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| == Facts ==
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| [[File:Jesus of nazareth - the final solution.png|thumb|right|300px|Nevar forget]]
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| * Jesus was a control freak and passive aggressive.
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| * Jesus was a [[Jew|jewish]] [[sandnigger]].
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| * Jesus's [[Your mom|mom]] WAS a [[You|virgin]] because [[fact|anal doesn't count]].
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| * Jesus's mom became pregnant when [[truth|his dad's cum dripped out of her ass into her pussy after anal]].
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| * Despite Jesus's mom being accidentally creampied by his dad without [[sex|vaginal penetration]], his dad also got [[cuck|cucked]] by God, even though his sperm penetrated Mary's cunt, God is still Jesus' biological father, so Joseph is raising someone elses son.
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| * Jesus makes a cameo in the Koran but he's not Allah's son and Allah only makes it ''look'' like he was crucified, <s>so what was the fucking point?!</s> apparently he comes back on [[rapture|judgment day]] to [[lol wut|kill the infidels]] and restore [[justice]].
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| * Makes celebrity appearances on bread.
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| * The Beatles were bigger than him. And got more pussy.
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| * Knows his [[cunnilingus]].
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| * Jesus was meant to return last year in an immaculate conception but was [[abortion|aborted]].
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| * Is not allowed within 500 feet of any public school in both New York State and Oregon.
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| * Jesus does not like to be fucked in the wristholes or footholes.
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| * Jesus says that he was too drunk at the time to remember turning water into wine, but also says he thinks it was actually Jack Daniel's because wine is for pussies.
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| * Jesus occasionally guest-stars on TV's ''[[South Park]]''. Nobody is sure if he's making good on a bet or if he's just hard up for cash.
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| * Any person living in that area during Jesus' time would have had the skintone of an Arab. Be sure to tell Christians this as the thought of a black Jesus will drive them batshit insane. (Note: Sandniggers and niggers are NOT the same thing, niggers just like to take credit for the work of superior/ non-useless races like the Egyptians. Furthermore Jesus H. Christ worked as a carpenter, while everyone knows damn well that niggers don't work.)
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| * [[Fact|The purpose of Israeli intelligence service Mossad is to prepare for Jesus' return so that he can be killed again.]]
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| * Was a [[JEW]] and by default [[JEWS DID WTC|did WTC]].
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| * Was not only a Jew but the Jews' instrument to control all Monotheists except the [[Iran|Zoroasthrians]].
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| * Both added to and took from the Mosaic Law.
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| * If Jesus is the Messiah, [[Waco|David Koresh]] is the Lord of the Universe.
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| * Was responsible for your childhood pet dying and is torturing it as we speak.
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| * Had no sense of humor.
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| * Hated Jay-Jay the Jet plane.
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| * Was bigger than Jesus.
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| * Was actually [[Osama bin Laden]] in disguise.
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| * Jesus loves the taste of cum.
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| * Jesus died at the hands of some [[Guido|Roman]] soldiers while attempting to reach uncharted areas of [[BDSM]] fetishism.
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| == Rule 34 ==
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| === Example ===
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| "Oh Lord," I moaned softly, nuzzling my face into His beard. "Oh my Lord Jesus," I whispered, as His hand wrapped around my stiffening member.
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| My eyes shut tight, my hips began rising to meet His tender strokes, I could hardly believe what was happening to me. I was being pleasured by the Lord of Hosts!
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| My balls tightened against my body, my hips moving erratically. "Jesus...I'm going to..."
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| And His voice was like sweet honey as He answered me, "Let it come, child."
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| My seed sprayed high into the air, jetting upwards in spurt after glorious spurt; onto His face, into His hair, and over His beautiful nail-scarred hands.
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| It took me a moment to catch my breath as I lay there, shuddering in His lap, but finally I whispered, "Will this ever happen again, Lord?"
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| And He just smiled at me and said, "Well, child, this is Heaven<sup>[[©]]</sup>..."
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| === [http://pastebin.com/jKgszts6 Second Cumming] ===
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| Nuff said
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| == Bel-Air ==
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| <blockquote>Now, this is a gospel all about how
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| <br>My life got flipped-turned upside down
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| <br>And I'd like to take a minute
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| <br>Just sit right there
| |
| <br>I'll tell you how I became the prince of a god called Yahveh
| |
| <br>
| |
| <br>In west Nazareth born and raised
| |
| <br>In the wilderness was where I spent most of my days
| |
| <br>Preachin' healin' baptasin' all cool
| |
| <br>And all kickin' some demons outside of the soul
| |
| <br>When a couple of scribes
| |
| <br>Who were up to no good
| |
| <br>Started making trouble in my tribehood
| |
| <br>I got in one little fight and my mom got scared
| |
| <br>She said 'You're movin' with your Spirit and Father to J'lem'
| |
| <br>
| |
| <br>Prophet class, yo this is bad
| |
| <br>Drinking wine out of an endless glass.
| |
| <br>Is this what the people of God living like?
| |
| <br>Hmmmmm this might be alright.
| |
| <br>
| |
| <br>But wait I hear they're prissy, wine all that
| |
| <br>Is J'lem the type of place they send this cool cat?
| |
| <br>I don't think so
| |
| <br>I'll see when I get there
| |
| <br>I hope they're prepared for the Son of Yahveh
| |
| <br>
| |
| <br>Well, the ass stoped and when I came down
| |
| <br>There were dudes who looked like jews standing there with a palm out
| |
| <br>I ain't trying to get worshiped
| |
| <br>I came here to serve
| |
| <br>I sprang with the quickness like lightning, disappeared
| |
| <br>
| |
| <br>But they nailed me to a cross and when it came near
| |
| <br>The plate said 'INRI' and it had a thorns for me
| |
| <br>If anything I can say God's will is rare
| |
| <br>But I thought 'Now forget it' - 'Yo homes to Yahveh'
| |
| <br>
| |
| <br>I pulled up to the Heaven about 7 or 8
| |
| <br>And I yelled to the disciples 'Yo homes smell ya later'
| |
| <br>I looked at my kingdom
| |
| <br>I was finally there
| |
| <br>To settle my throne as the Prince of Yahveh
| |
| </blockquote>
| |
| | |
| == Jesus Song ==
| |
| | |
| <blockquote>Kosher Pig Nailed to the Cross
| |
| <br>
| |
| <br>Kosher pig nailed to the cross
| |
| <br>Death and decaying, needed to nobody
| |
| <br>Jewish king ended like a thief
| |
| <br>Crucified on peak of Golgotha
| |
| <br>
| |
| <br>Kosher swine crucified
| |
| <br>Kosher swine crucified
| |
| <br>
| |
| <br>Sold for thirty silver coins
| |
| <br>Died in pain and disdain
| |
| <br>Jewish beggar, pile of shit
| |
| <br>Dead and stunk as their faith
| |
| <br>
| |
| <br>Jewish pig nailed on a cross
| |
| <br>Jewish pig nailed on a cross
| |
| <br>
| |
| <br>One day everyone will realize
| |
| <br>That this faith is false jewish paradox
| |
| <br>Which beguiled white man
| |
| <br>Free your mind from this filthy dogma
| |
| <br>
| |
| <br>Your god is dead !!(8 times)
| |
| </blockquote>
| |
| | |
| == Jesus Parody Song ==
| |
| | |
| <br>Hangin' on a cross in the hot sun! I fought the law and the law won. I fought the law and the law won.
| |
| <br>Was put up here for claimin' that I'm God's son! I fought the law and the law won, I fought the law and the law won.
| |
| <br>I challenged the state and made them so mad, them Romans ain't no fun. They'll rewrite it all so they don't seem so bad! I fought the law and the law won I fought the law and the law won.
| |
| | |
| == Videos ==
| |
| | |
| <center>{{frame|{{fv|Pedovids|background-color: white;|font-weight: bold;
| |
| |<center><youtube>WLKk00OYKhU</youtube></center><center>'''Whilst returning back on Earth, Jesus made his own musical.<br> Fortunately he was pwned by an oncoming bus'''</center>
| |
| |<center><youtube>tDENmSJIlMI</youtube></center><center>'''Too many [[butthurt]]s.'''</center>
| |
| |<center><youtube>OqMoGfNtVy4</youtube></center><center>'''Jesus is gonna break your face!'''</center>
| |
| |<center><youtube>4gXZY3PZd9s</youtube></center><center>'''[[lol]] Jesus is a meme where Jesus speaks [[Leetspeak]] and pwns<br> people with the fact he is Jesus.'''</center>
| |
| |<center><youtube>MOKMl57WtK0</youtube></center><center>'''An accurate portrayal of [[Batshit Insane|Christian views]] on [[The Rapture]] and [[WTC|Jesus' role in it]].'''</center>
| |
| }}|color=white}}</center>`
| |
| | |
| {{center|<youtube>NfRtkCGE40A</youtube>}}
| |
| | |
| {{center|<youtube>Kppx4bzfAaE</youtube>}}
| |
| | |
| == Galleries ==
| |
| | |
| <!--
| |
| File:JesusGuro.jpg|Jesus enjoyed his crucifixion immensely. (Got that)
| |
| File:Jesus_fix.jpg|Fuck you Jesus! You are not taking my fix again.
| |
| File:TouchedByJesus.png|I <3 Jesus
| |
| -->
| |
| | |
| {{cg|Holy Pix|jesusgallery|center|<gallery perrow="5">
| |
| File:JesusGuro.jpg|Jesus enjoyed his crucifixion immensely.
| |
| File:JesusLovesYou.jpg|From the big wig himself!
| |
| File:Christian_fundie_retards.jpg|Jesus not only created the [[The_Jewnited_States_of_Americunts|Jewnited States of America]] he also spoke fluent english.
| |
| File:Gangsta thug life jesus.jpg|Jesuz modafaka krist aka big-J
| |
| File:Jesus snickers blasphemy.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus will be back.png|Jesus in his most famous film role.
| |
| File:YMCA_Jesus_Blasphemy.jpg
| |
| File:he-jesus.jpg|He really booked it, the [[Faggot|disciples]] then lied to cover it up.
| |
| File:JesusSwastika.jpg|[[Adolf Hitler|He was a self-hating Jew]].
| |
| File:4thekids.jpg|Jesus was down with the kids, see [[pedophile]].
| |
| </gallery>|<gallery perrow="5">
| |
| File:Jesus obiwan.png
| |
| File:Jesus Snickers.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus Saves Soccer.gif
| |
| File:Jesus Saved.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus Ow Fuck.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus Jamband.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus OMG.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus Dog.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus_Chainsaw_Beheading.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus Beerbong.jpg
| |
| File:Jesusb14sa.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus-wtf-big.jpg
| |
| File:Jesusfucksheep.jpg
| |
| File:JesusDino.jpg
| |
| File:JesusRule34.jpg
| |
| File:Godhatesyou.JPG
| |
| File:NaziJesus.jpg
| |
| File:JesusPS2.gif
| |
| File:Cooking_With_Jesus.gif
| |
| File:Noah_Aw_Fuck.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus_Busters.jpg
| |
| File:AdamVsGod.jpg
| |
| File:Div_122.jpg
| |
| File:Kid facefucking jesus statue.jpg|[[Swag]].
| |
| File:BlackJesus.jpg|Nigger
| |
| File:Whitehouse Jesus.jpg
| |
| File:Black_jesus_montage.jpg|Proof that there is such a thing as black [[Jews]]
| |
| File:Cyborg_Pirate_Ninja_Jesus.jpg|All-in-One Almighty Jesus
| |
| File:JESUS CHRIST IS A LION.jpg|[[JESUS CHRIST IT'S A LION GET IN THE CAR!|JESUS CHRIST IS A LION!]]
| |
| File:Light switch.jpg|Jesus [[Pedophilia|loves the little children...]]
| |
| File:Jesussavessoccer.jpg|Jesus played real sport.
| |
| File:3985 nmn.jpg|No More Nails tries a new advertising campaign.
| |
| File:TapestryJesus.png|The death of Christ has been a meme since the dawn of time.
| |
| File:Jesus_Halloween_Mask.jpg|[[Jesus]] celebrating Halloween
| |
| File:Jesus-with-boy.jpg|[[Jesus]] teaching a boy to be a man by gently throatfucking him.
| |
| File:Happynegrojesus6zf.jpg|Often mistaken for Black Jesus, this is actually just a really good idea for dealing with the common, non-deified [[Nigra]].
| |
| File:Furry jesus.jpg|[[Furry|Furries]] have their own version of Jesus. Furry Jesus also has [[Fuck you, I'm a dragon!|dragon]] wings for the dragon furries.
| |
| File:Obama is not a socialist - Jesus macro.jpg
| |
| File:Easter - Jesus Rabbit.jpg
| |
| File:Barryjesus.jpg|Jesus Christ and a Friend.
| |
| File:Piss Christ.jpg|Jesus was drowned in piss for our sins.
| |
| File:Jesus heroine.jpg
| |
| File:Go-home-jesus-youre-drunk.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus_the_rapist.jpg|[[old meme|Jesus loves babies]]. A lot.
| |
| File:Jesus_the_pedophile.jpg|Christians should look closer at pictures of [[Jesus]]. Here, he lets kids touch his cock. (Not that there's anything wrong with that).
| |
| File:Jesus_sex_doll.jpg|Even Jesus needs to put food on the table.
| |
| File:Raverjesus.gif|Jesus at his day job.
| |
| File:Cockmongler_jesus.jpg|Jesus was in fact, a [[cockmongler]].
| |
| File:Muhammad-does-Jesus.jpg|The Church after cartoons depicting Muhammad were released.
| |
| File:Jesus-does-Muhammad.jpg|"It is more blessed to give than to receive" Acts 20:35
| |
| File:Jesus Free Candy.jpg|"Jesus loves the little children, all the girls and boys..."
| |
| File:Sparta jesus.jpg
| |
| File:Jackhammer_Jesus_dildo.jpg|With the Jackhammer Jesus dildo, Christ will make you come again.
| |
| File:JesusSteel.jpg|Jackhammer Jesus now in steel for deeper penetration.
| |
| File:Jesus_buttplug.jpg|Be filled with <s>the Spirit of</s> the Lord.
| |
| File:Black jesus last supper racist.jpg|The Last Supper if Jesus was black.
| |
| File:Concernedmum3.jpg|Jesus [[Sex|shagged]] [[Wales|Welsh]] [[Whore|tart]] [[Gas mask girl|Mary Magdalene]]—[[fact]].
| |
| File:Icanhazlastsupper.jpg|Unfunny [[lolcat]] shit.
| |
| File:Jeususdawglol.jpg|Jesus doubts the [[buy_a_dog|power of a dog]].
| |
| File:Dtchrist.jpg |Peace be with you...
| |
| File:ChristApathyDemotivator.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus_Christ_Links_Contest_by_quavefox.png|Jesus is a [[loli]].
| |
| File:Jesus_on_sl.jpg|Jesus makes an appearance on ''Second Life''.
| |
| File:GayJesusAndJudas.jpg
| |
| File:Jesustookthewheel.jpg
| |
| File:Chicken jesus without nikes.jpg|Something is wrong with this picture.
| |
| File:Chicken jesus.jpg|*Fixed
| |
| File:Jesus on dinosaur.jpg
| |
| File:CoolguyJesus.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus get that shit.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus on the phone.jpg|"Hi, it's Jesus. Could you do me a favor and stop being a giant faggot? K, thanks."
| |
| File:Jesus shit.jpg|Jesus holding his brother.
| |
| File:JesusAndJimCareyInAGolfCartPHAIL.jpg|He Drived for our sins.
| |
| File:Jesus_-_Spanks_Lolis.jpg|Jesus spanks [[16 year old girl|16 year old girls]] who [[fap]] in bed.
| |
| File:Jesus Joan Cornella.jpg
| |
| File:Furryjc.jpg|[[Furry]] Jesus
| |
| File:JesusFacepalm.jpg|Even Jesus Thinks Your a Dumbass.
| |
| File:Jesusandcock.jpg|Love thy neighbour.
| |
| File:NarutoandJeebus.png|What happens when Christians like [[Naruto]].
| |
| File:JESUSMANGA.jpg|Jesus in his latest manga issue.
| |
| File:WhatJesusLookedLike.jpg|[[4chan]] is doing [[win|it]] best, as usual
| |
| File:Jesus_buzzkill.jpg|I am in your cruci[[fiction|fixion]] [[buzzkilling]] your d00d.
| |
| File:LionFacebook.jpg|Saying the word 'Jesus' on earth is just like saying 'Voldemort' in the wizarding world.
| |
| File:Bieber tattoo2 Jesus - Ecce Mono.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus and pals demotivator.jpg|Jesus was a disco enthusiast
| |
| File:Beatles-Jesus.jpg|Known fact
| |
| File:Jesusjohnnydepp.jpg|Jesus looks like Johnny Depp: Also fact
| |
| File:Youllcutalright.jpg|He started the [[self-injury]] trend.
| |
| File:Canyouseejesus.jpg|Can you see Jesus?
| |
| File:Majora's Mask Jesus.jpg|Jesus as seen from the eyes of [[gamer|gamers]].
| |
| File:JesusTouchesChildren.png|Jesus touched me...
| |
| File:JesusGirl.jpeg
| |
| File:JesusPopeButtSex.png|Nazi Pope filled with the holy ghost.
| |
| File:PedoJesus.jpg| [[pedophile|Jesus]] [[win|violently fucks little boys]].
| |
| File:Jesus on dinosaur 2.jpg|This pretty sums it up.
| |
| File:Caucasian_Miracle.jpg| It's A Miracle!
| |
| File:Dear_Children.jpg
| |
| File:Furry_Jesus_-_02.jpg|Furry Jesus
| |
| File:Gay_Jesus.jpg
| |
| File:How_It_Happened.jpg|How it all began!
| |
| File:Jesus_Ta_Dah.jpg|Makes perfect sense.
| |
| File:Jesus christ serial rapist.jpg|Hide yo kids, hide yo wife, Jesus is cuming!
| |
| File:Jesusbusters.jpg
| |
| File:JesusKnockKnock.jpg
| |
| File:Creationism-Jebus.jpg|How everything was created.<br>[[Lie|Love + Magic]]
| |
| File:Republican jesus.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus is coming all over your mum's tits!!!.jpg
| |
| File:Help me you idiots, the aliens are taking me.jpg
| |
| File:Cheesus.jpg
| |
| File:Beachball Jesus.jpg
| |
| File:Let me smell your skin jesus.jpg
| |
| File:Who the fuck is Jesus.jpg
| |
| File:B7bdc3ad2a93dba2ddf6258d27d74b64.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus Moshi Moshi.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus_-_Hat_Kit.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus_-_Jesus_Made_Him_Do_It.jpg|LOLWUT
| |
| File:Jesus_-_Rape.jpg|And the only way Jesus will enter you is if you're a child.
| |
| File:Jesusegg.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus nukes.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus loves dinosaurs.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus dead no.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus-pikachu.jpg
| |
| File:Gyo edit jesus christ.jpeg
| |
| File:Jesus-eats-large-sammiches-lol.jpg.jpg
| |
| File:Gay Jesus and Satan.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus does heroin.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus-got-owned.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus Facepalm.jpg|[[Facepalm]]
| |
| File:Jesus was black prove me wrong.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus With Raptor.jpg
| |
| File:That Crazy Jesus demotivator.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus-statue.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus Saves Soccer.gif
| |
| File:Jesus Ow Fuck.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus Jamband.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus-wtf-big.jpg
| |
| File:416030 - Easter Bunny Jesus easter featured image god religion.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus will destroy you by eldermisanthrope.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus_Reconstruction.jpg|What Jesus likely looked like
| |
| File:Rasputin - the second coming of christ.jpg|He came back, and the Commies couldn't kill him
| |
| File:Jesus Dildo.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus Impersonator Fail.gif|After the Fall
| |
| File:Big_Brown_Cunt.jpg
| |
| File:The crucifixion matthias grünewald 1515.png
| |
| </gallery>|}}
| |
| | |
| <br>{{cg|What would Jesus do?|jesusadvicegallery|center|<gallery perrow="5">
| |
| File:Jesus robbank.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus typedesuagain.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus-teller.jpg|Jesus macking on the ladies.
| |
| File:Jesus-With-You-Always-Meme-Banned-In-Hollywood-05.jpg
| |
| File:Winning this race jesus with me always meme.jpeg
| |
| </gallery>|<gallery perrow="5">
| |
| File:Jesus Sextuplets Dubs.png
| |
| File:Jesus-With-You-Always-Meme-Banned-In-Hollywood-25-620x465.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus-With-You-Always-Meme-Banned-In-Hollywood-13.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus-With-You-Always-Meme-Banned-In-Hollywood-29.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus-With-You-Always-Baking pie.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus-With-You-Always-Meme-do a batman symbol.jpeg
| |
| File:Jesus-With-You-Always-Meme-Banned-In-Hollywood-23.jpg
| |
| File:Asshole jesus.jpg
| |
| File:Annoying Jesus SIDS.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus helps you lay carpet.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus with you always 15.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus with you always 14.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus with you always 13.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus with you always 12.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus with you always 11.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus with you always 10.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus with you always 9.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus with you always 8.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus with you always 1.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus with with you always 1.jpg
| |
| File:Horny Jesus 2.jpg
| |
| </gallery>|}}
| |
| | |
| <br>{{cg|Gun Totin' Jesus|jesusgunsgallery|center|<gallery perrow="5">
| |
| File:Jesus_gun1.jpg|Jesus will shoot you in the face because you are not holy!
| |
| File:Jesus Gun.jpg|... So instead of being crucified, Jesus is going to massacre Jews and Romans?
| |
| File:Jesus_gun3.jpg|Oh fuck off.
| |
| File:Jesus_gun4.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus_gun5.jpg
| |
| </gallery>|<gallery perrow="5">
| |
| File:Jesus_gun6.jpg|Guns don't kill people; Jesus kills people.
| |
| File:Jesus_gun7.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus_gun8.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus_gun9.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus_gun10.jpg|Skynet = God
| |
| File:Jesus_gun11.jpg|Jesus was notorious for giving very young children guns
| |
| File:Gangsta Jesus.gif|Jesus showing off his gats.
| |
| File:Badass jesus.jpg
| |
| File:Jesus-jungle.gif|Just like Animal Mother, jesus saves!
| |
| File:Poster77470164.jpg
| |
| File:Jesusgun_bottle.jpg|Jesus 'I shoot at cats when I'm drunk' Christ
| |
| </gallery>|}}<br>
| |
| | |
| {{cg|Gallery Of Zombie Jesus|zombiejesusgallery|center|<gallery perrow="5">
| |
| File:Zombie_Jesus_-_01.jpg
| |
| File:Zombie_Jesus_-_02.jpg
| |
| File:Zombie_Jesus_-_04.jpg
| |
| File:Zombie_Jesus_-_05.jpg
| |
| File:Zombie_Jesus_-_06.jpg
| |
| </gallery>|<gallery perrow="5">
| |
| File:Zombie_Jesus_-_07.jpg
| |
| File:Zombie_Jesus_-_08.jpg
| |
| File:Zombie_Jesus_-_09.jpg
| |
| File:Zombie_Jesus_-_10.jpg
| |
| File:Zombie_Jesus_-_11.jpg
| |
| File:Zombie_Jesus_-_12.jpg
| |
| File:Zombie_Jesus_-_13.jpg
| |
| File:Zombie_Jesus_-_14.png
| |
| File:Zombie_Jesus_-_15.png
| |
| File:Zombie_Jesus_-_16.png
| |
| File:Zombie_Jesus_-_17.jpg
| |
| </gallery>
| |
| |}}
| |
| | |
| == See Also ==
| |
| | |
| [[Image:Jesus bomb.jpg|180px|right]]
| |
| | |
| * [[BDSM]]
| |
| * [[Bible]]
| |
| * [[Black Jesus]]
| |
| * [[Cancer Jesus]]
| |
| * [[Ecce Mono]]
| |
| * [[Jesus is Hitler]]
| |
| * [[Jesus Tortilla]]
| |
| * [[Jesus With You, Always]]
| |
| * [[Mary Sue]]
| |
| * [[Moses]]
| |
| * [[Muhammad]]
| |
| * [[Necrophilia]]
| |
| * [[Neutral Milk Hotel|I LOVE YOU JESUS CHRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII]]
| |
| * [[Raptorjesus]]
| |
| * [[Santa Claus]]
| |
| * [[Superman]]
| |
| * [[Tom Cruise]]
| |
| * [[Zombie]]
| |
| | |
| == Links ==
| |
| | |
| [[Image:Raptor jesus sprite.gif|right]]
| |
| | |
| * [http://loljesus.com Loljesus.com]
| |
| * [http://ninjapirate.com/returnofjesus.html Super Saiyan Jesus]
| |
| * [http://jesusrpgadventure.ytmnd.com/ ''Jesus RPG Adventure'' video game]
| |
| * [http://ilurvejesus.tk Free Jesus-based iPhone?]
| |
| * [http://forums.hypography.com/theology-forum/5812-jesuss-dna.html Jesus' DNA]
| |
| * [http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=26973578 Jesus now has a MySpace.]
| |
| * [http://albinoblacksheep.com/flash/urkel Seeing Jesus H. Christ]
| |
| * [http://whichcelebrityihatetoday.blogspot.com/2009/11/i-figured-i-would-take-day-off.html Jesus is a hated celebrity.]
| |
| * [http://www.jesusneverexisted.com/ Welcome to Enlightenment!]
| |
| * [http://cdn.anyhub.net/thebest404pageever/swf/mormon_jesus.swf Mormon Jesus.]
| |
| * [http://bodyofchri.st/ Holy Shit!]
| |
| * [http://www.daylightatheism.org/2008/01/on-the-character-of-jesus.html On The Character Of Jesus] – Guaranteed to drive any Christian into a spastic frothing fit of RAGE! :D
| |
| | |
| | |
| {{Trolls}}
| |
| {{truth}}
| |
| {{Christianity}}
| |
| {{Jews}}
| |
| {{Islam}}
| |
| {{lulzhistory}}
| |
| {{Timeline|Featured article December 22 & December 23, [[2011]]|[[Kim Jong Il]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Satan Claus]]}}
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| | |
| [[Category:People]]
| |
