Morrowind

The Final Boss of Morrowind. Intimidating, no?

Cliff racers are weak, but they're fucking everywhere, and carry diseases.

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The game has been praised for its detailed rape mechanics.

Real women may not like you, but you can play with this one for the rest of your life.

Morrowind is a truly ancient RPG developed by Bethesda Softworks, a truly shitty company. It contains the standard sword and sorcery fare, with elves, orcs, and a protagonist who alone possesses the power to save the world from certain doom. It's totally not cliché, guys, we swear!

Creative Writing 99

The player arrives in Vvardenfel as an amnesiac prisoner, only to be immediately released so that he might perform a vital and far reaching task for his one time captors. Gameplay wise, no one seems to be aware of any potential conflict of interest. "Get out of your filthy cell and save our asses," would seem to be the standard modus operandi for the Empire, which happens to rule the known world. This main quest is stunningly short, essentially requiring the player to nose around a bit, befriend some ignorant savages, and kill a purple, pro-ana, half naked demigod bearing a faggy mask and red loincloth. I can only assume that Bethesda's writers have been showered with awards and all the buttsex they could ever desire thanks to their truly remarkable literary triumphs.

The Land That Debugging Forgot

Just like every fucking other game shat from Todd Howard's unhallowed bowels, Morrowind is passed around programming classes to show everyone how you don't code. These glitches, bugs, and other abortions of design range from unintentionally hilarious to utterly game breaking. The former includes animation, for which Bethesda is infamous, and Morrowind is their most blatant offender. Walking looks like some nigger is trying to pull off a crazy dougie, while running bears more than a passing resemblance to an aspie flinging his limbs about in a vain attempt to complete a marathon. The latter includes broken quests, broken balance, broken gameplay... essentially, anything that could possibly be broken. These bugs are so pervasive that a comprehensive patch mod failed to fix many of them, requiring an overhaul of the executable file. Yet again, it's tough shit for Steam users, as their executables can't be modified.

Dibersity Be Our Stremf

Morrowind offers 10 playable races. Imperials and Bretons are generic humans, while Nords have a Scandinavian flavor (i.e., constantly drunk and violent). There are three types of elves: Altmer, Dunmer, and Bosmer. Altmer are pretentious, elitist, whiny faggots. Dunmer, who hail from Morrowind, are a bit on the emo side, and their voices sound like grating gravel, no doubt to grant an edgy persona. Bosmer are the ultimate tree huggers, and they would sooner cannibalize themselves than dare to harm Mother Nature's precious greenery. Uncharacteristic of RPGs, Bethesda allows the player to be an unintelligent, animalistic creature: a nigger (euphemistically referred to as a Redguard).

BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE!

There are two more races, unfit for polite discussion. Argonians are lizardmen, perfect for scalies. By far, however, the most reviled race is the Khajiit, anthropomorphic cats. In a cruel twist of fate, Bethesda decided to include furries rather than catgirls. You can give thanks to BASED GOD that there are no humanoid wolves or foxes to be found. The game is so dedicated to its furry fanbase that the only "romance" quest involves a female Khajiit. Obviously, Bethesda had no idea that all furries are cock hungry faggots.

Money, Honor, and FUCK YOU

So, you've rolled your furry character, ready to rape anything that moves... but the guards consistently hand you your ass on a platter. What to do? You need a power base, and that's where the Great Houses come in. House Hlaalu is concerned with money above all else, and they would kill their mothers and rape their corpses to get a taste of some precious drakes. House Redoran holds honor above all else, to the point that they humbly dwell in the enormous, chitinous carcass of a colossal crab in the middle of a wasteland. House Telvanni doesn't really give a shit about much of anything unless you try to fuck them over. They are the the only Vvardenfel house to openly own and trade slaves (buy a nigger for yourself, if you'd like), and the Mage Lords are perfectly content to sit at the top of their mushroom towers and contemplate the finer points of life for thousands of years. You can join any of these houses and rise to the top, even if you're a furry... yet another bug, I would assume.

Mods

Morrowind is shipped with a Construction Set so n00b friendly that it allows even the unwashed masses who've never heard of CSIII to create mods. These typically fall into the categories of nude body replacers, sex slave merchants, and lots of pretty, pretty dresses for sweet, innocent princesses. The rare exceptions to these are mods intended to clean up Bethesda's half finished game, fixing broken quests, fixing broken skill progression, fixing CTDs, and pretty much anything else that could have possibly gone wrong in development. A few of the more intrepid coders attempted to create a mod that would wipe Todd Howard's ass, seeing as he can't do it himself without breaking his toilet.

See Also

• The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion
• The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
• Bethesda Softworks
• Modding

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