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| [[Image:Straponsickfuckery1.jpg|thumb|400px|Why going to prison is no different from being married.]]
| | ASSHOLES |
| '''Marriage''' is an [[IRL meme]] designed by [[Christfag]]s to ruin your life. You get nailed to an annoying whiney [[bitch]] or [[emo]] fag for the rest of your life unless you're smart and in it for the [[Anna Nicole Smith|money]].
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| == History of Marriage ==
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| Marriage was created [[at least 100 years ago]] by a king who wanted some land, [[Impotent|but lacked the balls or ability]] [[Rape|to go out and conquer some.]] So instead he would [[Prostitution|marry off his son/daughter]] to [[Pedophile|some other ruler]] so that the new land would technically belong to both of them. Some people would disagree and say that marriage was and is meant as an expression of true love, but those people are usually virgins who have never gotten any, much less been married.
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| That being said, the purpose of marriage hasn't changed much over the centuries, but the practice has. A woman will often see a man with a nice house or a nice car and will attempt to trick the man into [[Trap|"loving"]] her. This ensures that the lazy bitch will own half of the man's property even though she didn't work for it. That wouldn't be so bad for the man ([[unrealistic expectations|he ''does'' get constant pussy]]) if the woman actually did something instead of sitting on her ass at home all day. If the man tries to put the woman in [[Kitchen|her place]], she will immediately divorce him and take half of his hard earned shit.
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| [[TL;DR]] Marriage was created as a way to get new shit, and it is still used for this purpose today.
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| == What marriage actually changes in people's lives ==
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| # <s>Sharing</s> Losing your wealth <s>with</s> to your partner after divorce
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| # Being recognized by governments during international travels, thus making getting visas for your partner is easier.
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| # You can sue your partner for profit if you can prove being cheated on.
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| == Theoretical Truth About Marriage ==
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| The necessity of marriage comes from distrust. Here are some facts.
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| * If you trusted your partner you would not need the protection from the government so that one can sue the other after breakup.
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| * You actually do not need a recognition of your relationship by some authority.
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| ==Female behavior after marriage==
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| * Get fat
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| * Quit <s>job</s> everything
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| * Stay home all day and pretend to take care of kids.
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| * Tell everybody how hard being a mom is.
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| * Take the kid to parties to meet other guys and tell your husband you were taking the kid outside.
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| * Get fat
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| * Tell your husband you got fat because of the pregnancy, make child making look like his decision only
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| * Get fat
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| * Cheat on your husband with somebody who tells you you are not fat.
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| ==The Program==
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| Sooner or later, your wife will place you on The Program. It may be as soon as your first day of marriage, or even as soon as you are engaged, or just move in. Or she may be happily married for years, and only place you on The Program when she gets hungry for new cock.
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| Regardless, you ''will'' be put on The Program. Eventually.
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| The Program has four phases.
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| ===Phase 1 - you have no friends===
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| Your woman will isolate you socially. Men who permit their wives to organise their social calendar are setting themselves up for this. Within a short space of time, the only peple you will see outside work will be her friends, her family. People who you don't like, dont want to spend time with, and have her interests closer to heart than yours. The warning sign is when she begins to schedule things that conflict with your regular nights with the boys, or your hobbies, and turns on the waterworks when you won't cancel. Or when she simply starts bitching incessantly about those losers you hang out with. She will be especially keen to isolate you from single guys. The married guys are well under the thumb and not as much of a problem.
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| ===Phase 2 - you have no money===
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| You woman will take extraordinary amounts of care and attention to see to it that you never, ever have any spare cash. If you put $20 in the car ashtray, she will find it and spend it. She will make certain to spend more than you make, to keep you continuously in debt.
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| The warning sign is when you tell her that you are getting a wad of extra cash from somewhere, and the first expression on her face is ''worry''. She is thinking "Shit: I have got to find a way to spend that." Priority 1 is that you not be allowed to keep that money, no matter how much or how little.
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| Why? Because a man with $100 in his pocket is a man with options. He can go out, he can rent a shitty hotel room for a night. A man with no money can only either be at work or at home. And home is where your woman wants you. Why? For stage 3.
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| ===Phase 3 - you get no rest===
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| With you safely at home, your woman will see to it that you never, ever relax. She will give you a continuous dribble of annoying, time-consuming little jobs and check up on you to make sure you do them. Possibly around the home, or maybe car trips and shopping. But you will never, ever get a moment to yourself. If she catches you sitting in a chair, just chilling for 30 seconds, then it's bitch time.
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| ===Final Phase - you get no sleep===
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| The final phase is straight out of the CIA torture handbook. Sleep deprivation. This is the money shot, this is the bit that all the other steps were preparing for. Everything else was just to make sure you had no escape. Once that groundwork is in place, once you are cemented in, she can move on to the real deal.
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| To set this up, your woman must be better rested than you. To accomplish this she will quit her job so that she can sleep all day. She will plead housework, but housework takes half an hour a day (as any single guy knows). As soon as you are out the door in the morning, she will head back to bed and sleep till midday.
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| Then she will see to it that you never get a full night's rest. She will fight until 3am. She will nag. She will nag. She will shake you awake out of your deep sleep phase and scream at you while you are disoriented. She will fake jealousy - wake you and say "You had a hard-on, who were you dreaming about?", and start crying. Maybe she will sex you until dawn. Sounds great, but if you refuse and plead tiredness, then the crying and the blaming and the fighting starts. After a while, you won't be able to get it up, and she will nag and humiliate you about that.
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| Rule #1 that you will live by is: if she is awake, you are not allowed to be asleep. Bad enough trying to sleep on someone else's schedule, but remember: she gets a solid 9 hours while you are at work because you were dumb enough to agree to support her as a SAHM. You will get 4, 5 hours max. You will be a zombie all day. Maybe you can sleep somewhere else? Ha - go back and reread Phases 1 and 2. Because you have no money and no friends, the only place in the world you are permitted to be that isn't work is home, and at home - ''she'' is there, ready to give you [[9000]] little jobs to do (that she didn't do while you were earning a fucking living for her to spend), ready to start screaming at you if you don't do them.
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| She ''will'' win. After two, three, four, sweet Jesus five or six days of this, you will agree to anything, anything at all, if you can just get some fucking sleep.
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| ===The Goal===
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| See those pussywhipped guys? The henpecked ones? The ones that don't dare put a toe out of line, the "yes, dear" guys? Why do they do it? Why are they such wusses? Because they know that if they so much as have the wrong expression on their face, then ''it'' will fucking start, and ''it'' will go on for days and days until they wished they were dead.
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| The Program works. It always works. They use it at camp X-ray, they use it in hellholes they won't even admit that they run. They do it to terrorists, to spies, to political enemies. And women use it on the men they are married to. It breaks men reliably. Stronger men than [[you]] have been reduced to shells by it.
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| The first sign, the very first motherfucking sign - [http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=DTB DTB]. Oh yes, you will be reamed in divorce court, but the reaming will be worse the longer you leave it. ''Get out''. Get out ''now''.
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| == Steps in Trailer Park Courtship and Marriage ==
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| #Man meets a slut on the street
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| #Woman notices that man has money, so she woos the pathetic man.
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| #Man bangs up woman, who then sleeps with another guy who doesn't suffer from impotence. She then gets pregnant.
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| #Man feels guilty, so gets engaged so he can help raise the child. He wears a ring for the ball and chain to be attached to.
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| #Man gets shackled to his new [[woman|ball 'n' chain]] in a ceremony known as marriage.
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| #Women saps mans wealth, youth, and joy for her own.
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| #Man finds out his [[bitch]] was cheating on him, so he [[pwn]]s her, generating many [[lulz]] - but she '''was''' [[asking for it]]. He goes to prison and gets [[rape]]d by Bubba.
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| #[[?????]]
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| #[[PROFIT!]]
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| == Steps in [[Geek]] Courtship and Marriage ==
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| #[[Basement-dweller]] meets [[Buffy the Vampire Slayer]] [[Fangirl]] in #buffy [[IRC]] channel
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| #[[Basement-dweller]] is awestruck by [[Fangirl]]'s [[My Immortal|eloquent and heart-wrenching fanfiction]]
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| #He sends her anonymous virtual roses from the [[LiveJournal]] [http://www.livejournal.com/shop/view.bml?item=vgift gift shop]
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| #[[Fangirl]] gushes effusively to her [[friends list]] about her exciting virtual flowers, and wonders, at length and visibly, who they are from
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| #[[Basement-dweller]] finally drops a subtle hint in his own LiveJournal
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| #They take it to [[MSN]] and he asks for [[pictures plz]] and she sends pictures infected with [[internet disease]]
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| #They announce they are in [[love]] to their respective [[friends list]]s
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| #An online wedding is planned. The fact that he is a [[13-year-old boy]] and she is an [[80 year old Chinese man in panties]] seems entirely irrelevant.
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| #mmmmmmmmmmm http://mismarriage.ytmnd.com/
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| #[[?????]]
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| #[[PROFIT!]]
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| == Maintaining a happy marriage ==
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| [[Image:Divorce_money.jpg|thumb|right|Or else.]]
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| === Keeping your wife happy ===
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| * Lie. Lie, lie and lie again. Trust us, she's worrying too much about [[fat|herself]] to worry about you.
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| === Keeping your husband happy ===
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| * NEVER let your husband get his every last sexual whim. Save a few for when he's pissed off. Did you fuck up the bank account again with a week until payday? Time to let him have that [[anal sex]] he's been asking about for ten years. Buck it up and take it for the team and you'll find he'll cut you slack.
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| === The Secret ===
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| There is a simple secret to marriage, to maintaining the pimp hand without risking a DV charge. It is this:
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| * Men want sex all the time, and are accustomed to dealing with that urge always being there.
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| * Women only want sex a couple of days a month, but when they do - they want it ''bad'', and they are not accustomed to being told "no".
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| Never, never sex your woman on ''her'' schedule. Never give it to her when she wants it. Oh, it's difficult to do when you are young and dumb and full of cum. But you need to be master of your domain. You ''can'' flip the game. All you have to do is to realize what women are born knowing: relationships are a battle for dominance. You thought you'd meet someone who could be good to you and you'd be good to her and you'd get along and love one another? Fat chance. Not unless you are gay. Maybe not even then.
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| When she says "ok, you win, let's stop fighting to see who's the boss and just get along" it's just another stratagem. Like the scorpion and the frog - she cannot stop testing you, competing with you. It's not in their nature. You will either be the dominant partner or the pussywhipped one until the day you divorce. And even after that, if you are dumb enough to have kids.
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| == How To Beat Your Wife ==
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| If your wife gets too uppity, beating her is a completely appropriate way to keep her in line. The [[terrorists|Saudis]] explain the proper way to do this:
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| <youtube>Y-Tw7WhH_aQ</youtube>
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| == How to Beat Your Man ==
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| [[Texas|Anyway you please, he can't fight back]]. It is generally accepted in egalitarian Western society that if a psychotic sadistic bitch-harpy sees fit to smack, stab, shoot, or pull any other [[BDSM]] shit her husband, she obviously had a damn good reason for it. Remember: If it's a woman striking a man, it's not sexism - it's [[feminism|empowerment]]!
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| <youtube>LlFAd4YdQks</youtube>
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| [[shooped|Staged]] experiment, real reaction.
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| ==Exit Plan==
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| In every [[boyfriend|young man's]] life, he’ll wake to find himself with his [[girlfriend]] acting in a very [[16-year-old-girl]] way. Vaguely through the worst [[hangover]] of his life, the sketchy memory of asking his girlfriend to marry him in some drunken mad plan to get a [[sex]] is dragged screaming to the forefront of his mind.
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| There are many elaborate plans to get out of this situation such as [[suicide]] for example; however a simple fast and painless way to exit is to [[upload]] those [[Porn |romantic movies]] you made together to [http://www.yuvutu.com/ yuvutu]. Then over a [[romantic]] celebratory dinner explain that now you have the deepest [[love]] for each other, you have decided to [[Feminism|share]] that love with the [[Internets|whole world]] making it a [[THE_PROMISED_LAND|better place]] for your first [[wife]] to live.
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| ==Ways to GTFO of a Marriage==
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| *[[Marriage|Divorce]]
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| *Go out to buy cigarettes and never return
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| *Kill the bitch
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| *Kill the bitch and her family
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| *Be like [[Kevin Federline]]
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| *[[an hero|An hero]]
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| *File for divorce, kill her and her family, but forge document to make it look like they were secretly in a cult that made them kill themselves
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| <center><gallery>
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| File:Just divorced.png
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| File:Men at a wedding.gif
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| </gallery></center>
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| ==Celebrities and Marriage==
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| It has been seen countless times in the media. Whenever a famous actor is accused of being [[gay]], he quickly reacts and finds the most whorish woman to marry. Quickly, they "consummate" their marriage, usually out of the country. When they come back, the allegations disappear! Score! [[Tom Cruise]] is a major offender of this.
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| ==Gay Marriage==
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| <center>'''Why Gay marriage should be illegal.'''</center>
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| <center><youtube>rdH1ZEbnIms</youtube></center>
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| For more information on the above, see [[rule 34]].
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| ==Gallery==
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| <center><gallery perrow="5">
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| Image:Holy wedding.jpg|A sanctimonious experience for two very special people.
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| Image:Ty and Renee Ziegel.jpg|Look at her facial expression. [[Unrealistic expectations|Who would have thought this marriage would end in divorce?]]
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| Image:Interracial marriage.jpg|Now goes [[KKK|interracial]]
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| Image:Affair.jpg
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| Image:Nagnagnagnagpolarbears.jpg|Typical marriage.
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| Image:Marriednotmarried.jpg|For unknown reasons, [[ugly|some]] people remain unmarried.
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| Image:Legal Marriage.jpg|Marriage is [[TL;DR]]
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| Image:Weddingboobs.jpg|The correct attire for the bride at a wedding.
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| Image:Homofag.jpg|Faggots can't get married.
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| Image:GayDivorce.jpg|Gay marriage leads to gay divorce.
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| Image:Thanks for divorcin' my ass.jpg
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| Image:Warzone wedding.jpg
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| Image:Western_elites.jpg
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| Image:Marriage_Cat.jpg
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| File:Interracial marriage2.jpg|Internet marriage. Notice how the nigger has no dick.
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| File:Marriage done right.jpg
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| </gallery></center>
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| ==See also==
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| *[[I got married last weekend]]
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| *[[Marry Your Favorite Character Online]]
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| *Alternative: [[Marry Your Pet]]
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| *[[Satan Claus|If you get divorced, your wife makes the court have you pay $2000 a month, but you got laid off, can't get unemployment, have to pay another $2700 on mortgage, and have no money at all, then there is only one thing to do.]]
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| {{sex}}
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| [[Category:Sex]]
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| [[Category:Events]]
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