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Bernie Sanders: Difference between revisions

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Revision as of 22:10, 15 October 2015

Free stuff and unicorns are real.

Bernie Sanders✡ (or B.S.) is a batshit insane American politician who represents the 9,615-square mile patch of progressive inanity that is Vermont. After having served nearly a quarter of a century in federal office, a demented Sanders developed delusions of grandeur, and announced a 2016 presidential candidacy, apparently believing America is ready to elect a senile socialist to the White House.

Aided by an army of well-off young white people on the Internet, he has become a meme candidate, along with Donald Trump and, previously, Ron Paul. Sanders is expected to do about as well in his quixotic quest for the presidency as the last Vermont politician that was popular on the Internet.

Political career

Fifty Shades of Sanders

Bernie Sanders was inspired to get into politics as a young person by Adolf Hitler. Liking Hitler's unique brand of national socialism, Sanders decided to become America's first self-described democratic socialist to serve in the U.S. Senate. After biding his time for over fifteen years in the less-glamorous United States House of Representatives, Sanders finally got his chance upon the retirement of Jumpin' Jim Jeffords, and was elected amidst a wave of anti-Bush sentiment in 2006, but mostly lucked-out by nature of running in the shithole that is Vermont.

Sanders' career in Washington is mostly him pretending he's an independent (having gotten elected as one), while caucusing with the Democratic Party.

Soon however, Sanders became painfully aware that his idol never settled for a lowly Parliament position, and decided it was time to try for something bigger.

2016 presidential campaign

Sanders greets his entire constituency.
   
“ 		 
This campaign is NOT about Bernie Sanders
  		„
  		 

—Bernie Sanders, in an official campaign e-mail that was quoted by Reddit (where else?).

Bernie Sanders announced his bid in April of 2015. Sanders has raised a decent amount of online loot from deluded college hipsters on the coasts, but still trails a scandal-plagued Hillary Clinton by double-digits nationally. It has been noted that Sanders has a problem winning the support of minorities, women, older voters, more religious people, Southerners and poorer Democrats. In short, he's likely not going to win the Democratic nomination.

Sanders' presidential campaign has lucked out, as Iowa and New Hampshire, both states that are over 90% white, vote first. If California (Latinos) and Mississippi (blacks) went first, there wouldn't be nearly the chance of a Cinderella story start to kick off the primaries for Bernie.

Supporters

   
“ 		 
Sanders’s predominately white backers are targeting black activists and journalists who dare question the candidate’s civil rights record.
  		„
  		 

—The Washington Post, reporting on Sanders' white Internet troll army.

Mostly consists of white college students who've never worked a day in their lives. Why these middle-class suburban Millennials think socialism is an appealing ideology is a mystery. Bernie Sanders has drawn big crowds in liberal havens such as Portland, Oregon, though Donald Trump drew a larger crowd in the much smaller town of Mobile, Alabama.

His support base is on Reddit and they mindlessly worship him, despite the fact that he is supposedly an everyday egalitarian. Heil Bernie!

Sanders says that he is the only person that knows what's up. How very democratic.

It can be surmised that Sanders' promise of free stuff is his main attraction. Millennials that are on the cusp of having to actually work for a living see the government and Sanders as their new providers, replacing mommy and daddy. Also they really don't want to pay back their student loans.

Black Lives Matter

Black Lives Matter interrupts a speech by Bernie Sanders. Nothing of value was lost.

To further prove the point of how Bernie Sanders stands zero chance of winning anything but safe races in Vermont, he has recently become a favorite target of Black Lives Matter, because he's an old white guy from Vermont, a state that is 95% white.

A shameful display took place in August 2015, when two Black Lives Matter agitators took the microphone from Sanders and hijacked his own campaign event, with the cucked Sanders just meekly taking it. Even more pathetic, Sanders subsequently apologized for not reaching out to black voters sooner.

More humiliation came when black Republican Ben Carson blasted Black Lives Matter in a way that the Sanders campaign should have, but are too afraid to do so.

Polls have shown Sanders in the single digits with blacks, the very voters that propelled Obama over Clinton in South Carolina in 2008.

Political positions

The platform of Bernie Sanders in a nutshell.

College, day care, health care, etc.

Free!

Guns

Bernie Sanders thinks Americans are too stupid to own certain types of guns. Ironically, Vermont has some of the most lax gun laws in the nation.

Marijuana

The only reason you support Bernie Sanders. Sanders supports legalizing marijuana, because he knows one needs to be high to think voting for Bernie Sanders is a good idea.

Minimum wage

Bernie Sanders believes flipping hamburgers is, in 2015, worth $15 an hour. He believes that everyone should be paid at least $15 an hour; except of course his own staff, whom he only pays $12 per hour, how fitting.

Store selection

   
“ 		 
You don’t necessarily need a choice of 23 underarm spray deodorants or of 18 different pairs of sneakers when children are hungry in this country.
  		„
  		 

—Bernie Sanders, longing for a Venezuelan grocery store.

Taxes

Bernie Sanders says a 90% income tax rate is not too high.

  • Bernie Sanders picks up the endorsement of a smart individual.
    Bernie Sanders picks up the endorsement of a smart individual.
  • A valid point.
    A valid point.
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  • The nose knows.
    The nose knows.
  • Your local grocery store's entire selection under Sanders' socialist utopia.
    Your local grocery store's entire selection under Sanders' socialist utopia.
  • The campaign of Bernie Sanders temporarily runs out of others' stuff to give away.
    The campaign of Bernie Sanders temporarily runs out of others' stuff to give away.
  • When Bernie Sanders occupies the White House.
    When Bernie Sanders occupies the White House.
  • Typical Bernie Sanders Internet supporter.
    Typical Bernie Sanders Internet supporter.
  • Bernie getting ready to fap.
    Bernie getting ready to fap.
  • Average supporter.
    Average supporter.

See also

Bernie Sanders is part of a series on

Memes

Visit the Memes Portal for complete coverage.

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