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Joseph Cumia: Difference between revisions
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Latest revision as of 02:05, 8 August 2023
Joe Cumia, known professionally as James Hefner and Joe Q-mia, is a racist, misogynist, homophobe, pedophile, card carrying, violent white supremecist. Brother of late 90's era raqio star Anthony Coomia, "Brother" Joe Cumia has been a well known, bovine-eyed coat-tail rider and internet nuisance for several decades. In between politically minded Facebook opinions and well known musical pieces, Bro Joe has recently gotten into copyright law!
Rock n Roll Joe!
The Song Parody Man!
Brother Joe's first crack at the limeline came in the form of several knee-slapping song parodies!
Bro Joe felty particularly proud of one in particular, 'lectric Shock OJ, and made a point to hand-deliver the gem to Greg "Opie" Hughes himself, eventually resulting in being completely passed over instead for any kind of position in favor of his brother, singer and Tunisian knife fighter Anthony.
Dejected and realizing he would remain relegated to stealing supplies from any shitty worksite that would have him, Joe casually reminded AntH (not Ant!) about a childhood agreement they had made; the one who would get famous had an obligation to provide financially for the other. Thus began Joe's decades-long welfare abuse. Ever since the mid 90's, Brother Joe had lived comfortably off of the dividends of introducing Anthony to Opie. High on the hog, Joe took the once in a lifetime opportunity to pursue his true calling; covers!
Cover band era
Except replace "era" with "entirety", Joe spent the following 35 years in the wake of Anthony's success playing in a series of cover bands. Among others, Joe larped as a member of U2, Journey, Blue Oyster Cult, and stole the hits of various other has-beens as a solo act!
Joe would continue this charade unimpeded for years, content with his delusional fantasies of music superstardom until a series of tirades and public shaming sent him into a downward spiral.
Moo Oyster Cult
In his later years, Joe was granted a special treat! Due to his brothers generous donation toward a charitable organization, Joe was offered a chance to rock out with some of his rock idols, Blue Oyster Cult! He rocked and he rolled and he shredded as hard as he could, later posting the video of the glorious evening for his friends and followers to be jealous of.
In what you will soon learn is a habitual trait for Joe, his obliviousness to his surroundings resulted in him humiliating himself in public.
https://opieandanthonyarchives.com/boc1.html
Waddling about with zero grace or stage presence, Joe tramples over actual band members as he debases himself in a blatant attempt to hog the spotlight from the professional musicians. His dimwitted antics quickly grow to frustrate lead singer Eric Bloom, who is shown screaming at Joe to lower his instrument before attempting to do so himself, fucking it up and inadvertently turning up Joe even more. The mistake only emboldens Joe, who takes this as indication that the band wants him to play up his stage presence further. The aging singer stomps about angrily for the rest of the song as Cumia shimmies and plods across the stage. The performance ends with a final indignation, as Joe pets the potbellied legend on the top of his head like an aging animal.
The video would go on to be found by what Joe would go on to describe as degenerates, defiantly claiming that BOC had been incredibly impressed by his musical prowess. He would angrily defend the performance while also flagging any upload of it, obviously embarrassed by eventually realizing what everyone had known from the start. This would go onto to be the start of a long pattern of behavior for Cumia.
—Joe, fooling nobody | ||
A Twat on Twitter
Like many of his generation, Joe grew accustomed to the ease and reach of Twitter and Facebook. Many a day and night was spent giving various hot takes and aged to perfection wisdom on the news of the day.
Par for the course of your average angry geriatric, Joe would often let fly with the first thing that came to mind, inevitably running into pushback from the public.
Unaware of how this quick temper and overall surely demeanor would strike those around him, Joe quickly earned himself a dedicated fanbase that he was more than willing to entertain.
Lolcowmia
Again, as is tradition with his demographic, Joe immediately took to confrontation over the internet with a series of threats and challenges of physical confrontations. Surprisingly, this failed to deter his detractors.
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Joe, fighting trolls, inadvertantly exposing his gay porn site subscription -
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Roleplay Joe
A theme quickly made itself apparent among the ore enthusiastic BroJoe fanbase; Mr Qmia made a routine habit of roleplaying as several variations of what he perceived to be tough guys. One of his favorite was an Army paratrooper. In reality, Joe was an Army cook, serving out a stint in the military in lieu of a prison sentence. Joe maintains his military service was indeed genuine, while being purposely vague on details, refusing to offer up discharge DD214 papers, and more tellingly using a completely different mans photograph as evidence of his service.
That wasn't all, though! Another one of Joe's preferred fursonas was that of a take no nonsense biker! He would adopt this personality after seeing Sons of Anarchy merchandise.
Not the show itself, initially, just a cool wallet he happened upon at a store one day. Joe would eventually familiarize himself with the fictional narrative, and wear merchandise from it in an attempt to give himself an air of tough guy credibility and appear as intimidating, eventually becoming disillusioned with the gritty biker lifestyle after being made aware that star of the show, Ron Pearlman, was a LIBTARD! He would briefly carry out a one-sided feud with Pearlman in the wake of this scandal.
The People's Court
In the midst of his war with trolls. Joe and his obsession with Twitter began to backfire. Concerned citizens would begin emailing Joe's racially charged statements to clubs generous enough to book his cover band spectacles. As cancellations grew, Joe became enraged and panicked. He struck back at one would-be business partner, and went with the most white trash option available to him, and dragged a club manager onto The People's Court. Not airing for months after filming, Joe initially took to his social media celebrating what he touted as a victory; the club owner being forced to pay him his fees and vindicated for the lynchmob lies against him. The reality was drastically different, and made apparent when the big day came.
https://opieandanthonyarchives.com/tpc1.html
Over the course of the proceedings, Joe mispronounced his own name, argued the semantics of a "tribute" vs "cover" band, swore "under oath" that all screencaps of his tweets were actually elaborate Photoshops hosted on Imuhguuur, blurted out that he was not a pedophile with no prompting, and claimed that he was being targeted by Opie and Anthony fans who hated him for no reason. After blurting out that his brother was also fired for racist tweets, Joe was eventually awarded the money after the defendant forgot to send written documentation of cancellation.
Joe gleefully accepted his judgement, seemingly oblivious to the fact that the judge was openly telling him he didn't believe him and that he was a lowlife, and waddled out for his post-show interview, where he celebrated his victory. After eventually realizing that Judge Millian had directly and repeatedly insulted him to his face, Joe raged on his Facebook and posted her tits.
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Joe Cumia; Pedophile
After blurting out, for absolutely zero fucking reason, that he was not a pedophile on national television, crafty sleuths did a little investigation, and found that Brother Joe did in fact have deep connections with seedy individuals.
"Kurt Love", real name Jeffrey Hollander, was a years long Opie and Anthony fan and close confidant of the Cumia clan. A regular around Anthony's "Compound" residence, those willing to take a moment to check quickly realized Mr Hollander was a registered sexual offender.
Joe would be quick to respond to the allegations of constantly palling around with someone who was on a registry as a sexually violent offender, and offered up a sound retort; that owning and viewing "kiddie porn" was completely legal and not a moral failing. Upon eventually realizing what the fuck he said on a public forum, Joe quickly backtracked and claimed neither he nor any member of his family had ever had contact with Hollander.
Joe would moronically forget he had posted pictures of himself in the room where Mr Love had filmed himself with a regular guest of The Opie and Anthony Show simulating a sex act. The fact that he had previously admitted the friendship would also never be brought up again.
DMCA Dipshit
Eventually, Joe grew tired of being constantly humiliated by the trolls, and then concocted an ingenious idea! By taking advantage of a broken and easily manipulated copyright claims system, he could simply file a DMCA claim and get any offending material removed! He had an unusual spur of luck on Reddit, having alleged "bully boards" removed en masse for violating alleged copyrighted material such as tweets he posted publicly, Facebook posts he has no legal claim to, and YouTube videos he has no stake in.
Joe would stroke himself raw at the revelation that he could run around and claim copyright at any offending material, and blatantly declared his abuse of the system as a means of vindication against those that opposed him. This was all well and good, until he attempted it on Kiwi Farms. After the easymode ploy failed to have any effect, Joe sent an unconvincing legal threat toward the forums owner, as is the normal follow up for refusing to comply with a DMCA. Upon realizing he would actually have to follow through with these threats in order to get content removed, Joe simply ignored Kiwi Farms from that moment on. No further DMCA's have been sent to the Farms.
—"Brother" Joe Cumia, immediately before running away from KF and never mentioning them again | ||
Random Joe Facts
- Drinks children's spit; on occasion has offered to pay for it but prefers to get it for free via public water fountains
- Declared his mother dead years before her actual passing, as her Alzheimer's made her a soulless husk anyway so it was essentially the same
- Beat his first wife with a frying pan, claims she hit herself to frame him. He stole this from the 1996 Mark Wahlberg movie Fear, where Wahlberg hits himself in order to make it appear as though he was assaulted.
- Drives in the emergency breakdown lane on the highway, livestreams video as he does this and has been shown to have a child with him as he breaks the law. He claims he is actually very smart for figuring out this trick.
- Again following in the footsteps of his younger brother, Brother Joe once attempting to crowdfund a live call in internet program, appropriately entitled Guilty By Association. Joe netted a grand total of 2% of the intended $10,000 goal.
- Was once convinced to spend his
brothersactual money for a Facebook IQ test, which told him he was in the upper 5% of intelligence. He posted the results to his timeline, unaware of the irony of someone handing over money so "IQ people" could affirm how smart they were.
Gallery
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The Legendary Cumia Diet, ANYONE CAN DO IT!
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Professional musician being disrespected by wagecuck
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"Well she's as good as dead anyway..." -
First things first, not a pedo. Also, Mom's dead... -
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Smart guy falls for Facebook scam -
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